Bipolarity

Being an introvert

2008-09-16T08:48:00.000-04:00

I did a google search on "introspective" when I decided to use that as the new name for this blog. One of the first links that came up, was Introspectives.org. There I found a very straightforward, and almost frightfully accurate description of myself as an INFJ (see Meyers Briggs Type Indicator). Here I am in a nutshell:

INFJ Profile:

Absolutely: creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, fears drawing attention to self, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, does not like to be looked at, perfectionist, can sabatoge self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, focuses on peoples' hidden motives, not spontaneous, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, lower energy, strict with self

Sort of: attracted to sad things, avoidant, anxious, cautious, socially uncomfortable guarded, prone to crying, prone to feelings of loneliness, prone to sadness

Not really: emotionally moody, fearful, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not competitive, prone to intimidation

Favored careers:

Sounds cool: artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, art historian, photo journalist, homemaker (who knew?)

Not a chance: psychotherapist, opera singer, social services worker, sign language intepreter, makeup artist

10 lessons the Presidential primaries have taught our children

2008-06-09T20:43:00.008-04:00

The recent 2008 Presidential primaries have taught Americans a lot about ourselves.

Without a doubt, glass ceilings have been shattered, long-held prejudices have been re-examined and forced into the light, and a new vision of opportunity has unfolded for our children.

Yet, sadly, not all of the lessons provided by both parties in recent months have been positive ones. I'm disheartened, disappointed and downright disgusted with the behaviors and values that America's supposed "best and brightest" are teaching our children by example:

Style is much more important than substance.

Winning is more important than being honest or playing fair. In fact, winning is more important than anything.

If the rules aren't working in your favor, change them.

If you repeat a lie often enough, people will start to believe it.

Chose your words very carefully, the technical definition of those words means more than the spirit of them.

Appearance is everything.

Overcome feelings of being victimized by playing the victim card.

Rebut policy differences with personal attacks.

If someone hits you, hit back. Harder.

It doesn't matter what you say today... you can always deny it tomorrow.

I grew up in a family of staunch Democrats, but much to their dismay, I became a Republican ten years ago. Before November, I will change my affiliation again - this time to "Independent." But before I do, I want to openly apologize to Independents.

I used to think that being an Independent was a sign of intellectual laziness, that the people who made that choice just weren't interested enough in the issues to take a stand. I've thought long and hard about the issues and I care very deeply. But I've also thought long and hard about each of the Presidential candidates, both current and former. I never thought I'd say it, but at least for this campaign cycle, I've come to think that being Independent means sadly choosing "none of the above."

Less than 6 Degrees of Separation

2008-05-28T18:29:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago I wrote a series posts about a great book I'm reading called "Night Shift" by Dave Shive. Shortly thereafter, I got a wonderful e-mail from Mr. Shive in which he indicated that a friend had seen my initial post referencing his book and had sent him the link.

What a delightful surprise to receive a personal message from the author of a book I'm reading... something that could only have been made possible by the wonders of the Internet. So much for the theory that there are 6 degrees of separation.

How do HSP's cope?

2008-04-26T12:39:00.002-04:00

I know it sounds awful to say that misery loves company, but I have to admit that I'm relieved to find that I'm not the only one that recognizes themselves in the list of HSP traits. If you're one, you understand the emptiness of feeling alone in a crowd, at a party, or in a marriage that isn't working.

I've just begun to think about what this means for me and how it manifests, but just like with so many other things, I've decided to consider this a blessing rather than a curse. Of course I realize that being highly sensitive to your environment (places and people) can be problematic, but rather than dwell on that, I'm choosing to focus my energies on learning how to minimize the challenges and maximizing the benefits.

There seem to be a few books on the subject, but so far I've only found one article with tips on coping strategies: 14 Success Strategies For Highly Sensitive People. There must be more. I'll keep looking. Perhaps I'll make my own list. Please feel free to post if you have suggestions.

How sensitive is TOO sensitive?

2008-04-23T17:45:00.004-04:00

I had another "aha" moment today. For some reason, the word "empath" got stuck in my head. After following a few links through Google, I ended up reading several articles about highly sensitive people (HSPs), and not surprisingly, some references to being INFJ also showed up. I started researching characteristics of HSPs and recognized myself instantly.

I found an interesting list of the traits of HSPs that were all too familiar. In fact, I answered "yes" to every one of the following questions:

Do you get overwhelmed by stimuli such as lights, noises, and smells?

Do other people’s moods and emotions deeply affect you?

Are you easily startled?

Do you become uneasy when someone is watching you complete a task?

Do you become tired easily after a “normal” day of activity?

Are you aware of other things in your environment that most other people are not aware of?

Do you become agitated or anxious when you have a lot of tasks to do and not enough time to complete all of them?

Do you avoid disturbing or violent movies, books, or T.V. shows?

Do you feel the need to escape and retreat when there is too much going on around you?

Are you deeply interested in the arts or music?

Do you dislike changes in your life?

Do you enjoy delicate tastes, scents, sounds, soft fabrics, or beautiful works of art?

Have you always been labeled as shy or sensitive by other people?

Are you overly conscientious?

Do you seem to be more sensitive to pain than other people?

Are you sensitive to certain foods such as foods containing caffeine, sugar or alcohol?

Do you become unpleasant when you are hungry?

Do you easily sense the energies of places or situations?

Are you easily touched by others' experience, stories of kindness, and courage?

Are you attracted to the deeper things such as spirituality, self-development and philosophy?

Do you need time alone?

Are your feelings easily bruised?

Do you have a vivid imagination?

After reading this list, is it really any wonder that I'm often exhausted, can't sleep, or feel sad, stresed or overwhelmed? Interestingly, I think that the more time that I spend in intentional solitude, getting to know myself and enjoying my own company, the more sensitive I am to the influences of external factors.

Last week I was baffled by the fact that I had a few informational job interviews and in one case in particular, the minute I walked into the office, I had a "bad" feeling about the office and the prospective employer. I tried to articulate to a friend why I knew that wasn't the job for me - even though I don't have any other firm offers - but I couldn't find the right words. I just knew that I "wasn't feeling it", as my daughter would say.

I'm really curious to better understand the correlation between HSPs and INFJs. If you know anything about this, or can recommend good resources, please post a comment.

Accepting the Night Shift (part 3)

2008-04-16T19:13:00.003-04:00

According to Dave Shive, author of Night Shift, "One who enters the pit cross the threshold to 'God's tuf.' This entrance sets in motion a cycle of events and activities designed to transform proud, unbroken, and essentially useless people into vibrant servants of Christ who have a new song on their lips, a message to proclaim, and a usefulness in making an impact for the Kingdom."

He goes on to discuss this transformational process as a series of seven stages:

The Pit. The awful place of brokenness where the testing begins.
The Wait. The usually long period of time spent waiting, often without understanding, for God to make His divine plan clear.

The Cry. The desperate prayer for relief from waiting in the pit.

The Answer. God's reply as He reveals the message that is to be the focal point of the person's future ministry.

The Deliverance. Liberation from the pit, "in God's way, God's timing, and for God's purpose."

The New Song. The music inspired by spiritual, emotional and physical freedom from earthly (materialistic) things, with a newfound focus on God's purpose.

The Impact. The fruits that manifest as a result of allowing the season of suffering to serve its purpose.

I have survived the first five stages and am somewhere in stage six. I wish I'd found this book sooner, as it would surely have made the first four stages more bearable. But then, perhaps that's the point. If I hadn't gone through then, I probably wouldn't be here now. I'm scared, but also excited, to see how God plans to use me.

Accepting the Night Shift (part 2)

2008-04-15T19:12:00.001-04:00

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I've survived a past with more than a little violence, pain and suffering. As dark as many of those days were, the operative word is that I survived. By God's grace and mercy, not only have I overcome my past, but I'm a better, stronger person because of it.

I spent nearly 30 years either denying or fighting my past, unable (or unwilling) to see how unresolved anger and pain was impacting my life. I knew that I was missing something very important, but I could never quite connect all the dots. I may never understand why God allowed certain things to happen to me. But now I understand that He wants me to use my experiences to try to ease the pain and suffering of others. If He can use me as a living example of how we can learn to overcome life's challenges because of rather than in spite of them, then the things I went through will not have been for nothing.

So knowing all this, why am I so afraid? Because what I'm being called to share is very painful, and very personal. Writing this blog, and receiving the feedback that I often get, has been a tremendous experience in terms of helping me to stretch my writing muscles in preparation for writing the books that God has placed on my heart to write. But I know that writing the books is not enough. I know that I'm going to be required to speak publicly about these things too. And that's the part that scares me the most. I've heard that speaking in front of crowds is a "normal" fear under the most benign circumstances, which doesn't make it any less fearful for me. But then add to that the subject matter that I'm being called to speak about and I find it terrifying. But then I'm reminded of David. He must've been terrified too when facing that giant with nothing but a little rock and a slingshot.

I haven't started reading Night Shift yet, but I did glance through it and saw that the author identified seven stages of the night shift cycle. I can't tell you how comforting it was to receive confirmation that I've made it through the most difficult stages and that now it's time to plant seeds and wait expectantly for them to bear fruit.

(to be continued)

Accepting the Night Shift (part 1)

2008-04-14T18:02:00.006-04:00

I've known for some time now that God has a special purpose for my life. I jumped into into it with full force two years ago, and nearly drowned. I decided that I must have misunderstood. This work is much too hard and too painful. Surely God can't want me to do it.

Since then, God has been slowly preparing me, guiding me, nudging me, and introducing the right people into my life to support me on this journey. I understand now that it's not going to be easy. It's not supposed to be. But even though I don't understand why God chose to use me in this way, or how He could possibly think I'm qualified or capable to do this, the conviction in my heart to move forward has become so strong that I can't ignore it any longer.

Today I remembered a book that a friend sent me about this time of year two years ago. I didn't really understand why she sent it at the time, especially because it's signed by the author, and addressed to her mother. What a special gift. Now the purpose is suddenly clear. The book is called "Night Shift" by Dave Shive. It's written for people who find themselves being called to do the hard, difficult and lonely work that's usually not on most people's list of fun projects to volunteer for.

I liken it to working the night shift in a hospital. Most health care professionals choose not to work the night shift for reasons that make perfect sense to most of us. Yet the reality is that "someone" has got to do it, and it looks like I've been drafted. Of course I believe that God gives each of us free will, so I'm not saying that I'm being forced to do this. I guess I'm saying that as much as it scares me and overwhelms me, now that I've clearly heard the call, I have to respond. I have to take a giant leap of faith and believe that God will give me the tools, the skills, the resources and the people that I need to do the things He'd have me to do. And when I'm able to meet His challenge, doing so will be another testimony to His power, because He knows that I know that I can't do this by myself.

(to be continued)

Less really is more

2008-04-04T18:00:00.004-04:00

Now that I'm less than 12 months away from turning 50, I've been thinking about what that milestone is going to mean to me. What amazes me is that while I'm earning less money, have less professional prestige, and claim fewer close friendships, I also have less stress, less drama and fewer debts. In reality, I have more... more peace, more authenticity, more creativity, more self-confidence, more spiritual maturity, more meaningful relationships and more joy. Is my life challenge-free? Absolutely not, but age and experience have given me a different perspective. Big problems are much smaller when you learn to focus on the big picture.

If you're a woman over 40 and you've never read an issue of More magazine, I highly recommend it. It's a wonderful magazine that celebrates the joys of being a "well-seasoned woman." In honor of their 10th anniversary, the magazine's editors posted a list of 10 reasons why we're really glad we're over 40". Here's the short version of their list along with my editorial comments in italics.

We know our own style. I feel absolutely no need to wear trendy clothes that cost a fortune and make me look like a clown. I didn't want to look pregnant in my 20's, and I certainly don't want to look pregnant now.
We've honed our ability to allow things to roll off our backs. I know that there's always going to be at least one person in any social setting that's going to say something "stupid". Better them than me.
We feel absolutely no compulsion to have a MySpace page, and no need to apologize for not having one. What's MySpace?
We've grown to appreciate the singularity of our own selves. I'm much happier being a late bloomer than being the most gorgeous girl in junior high school who now looks like she's 65.
Sex is better than ever, largely because we're not afraid to ask for what we want and realize that faking orgasm only reinforces male ineptitude. Enough said.
We are able to embody the confidence and wisdom of Coco Chanel, who once quipped, "I don't do fashion. I am fashion." When the situation warrants it, I can definitely "clean up well." But then, I can look good in jeans and bare feet too.
It's a cinch to say no. That would be "no" as in no more overcommitting to things I have no interest in doing, no more giving my phone number to people I don't want to call me, no more attending social events out of a misguided sense of politeness, and no more apologizing for things I'm not sorry for or that I have no control over.
Younger men are now old enough to have real careers and order a round of martinis. Yes, there's something to be said for younger men when you reach my age. :)
We've finally absorbed the reality that no pair of $3,000 sandals will ever be as sexy as quarterly dividends. $3,000! I'd never pay $100 for a pair of sandals!
We've regained all that time we used to spend freaking out about turning 40. True.

I've decided that I want to do something extraordinary for my 50th birthday, but I have no idea what yet. If you did something wonderful for your 50th (or 60th or 70th) or you're planning to do something wonderful, please share!

Gratitude Journal: March 2008

2008-04-01T19:43:00.003-04:00

It's the time of the month again when I share a partial list of all the things I have to be thankful for during the month just ending. This was a particularly difficult month for me, partly due to the snowballing effects of being laid off and losing my health insurance. I've also undergone a personal crisis that zapped what little emotional energy I had left.

Yet, in spite of the challenges, and they were HUGE, I am so thankful that God has been more than faithful this month. He has shown me that He does and will provide for me in ways that seem incomprehensible and inexplicable to my modest mind. He has also answered complex questions in ways that can only be explained by Divine intervention. He has given me comfort when I thought I was inconsolable, and once again, He's given me hope.

Here's just a small listing of all the things He's done in my life in the month of March alone:

My daughter came home from Iraq for nearly 3 weeks. I hadn't seen her in a year, and she came home in March to celebrate my birthday. We had a wonderful time together and she's doing so well. I am so proude of her.
My weekly women's group meetings have been absolutely awesome. God has taken a group of women who didn't know each other at all, and created a tightly-knit, Spirit-filled support group where we can share our deepest fears and our most private prayers. Even though the official 8-week session ends in two weeks, we've decided to keep the group going on our own.
Every Sunday this month I've heard exactly the sermon I needed to hear that day, including this past week's message which was entitled "Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti." Yes, it was hilarious, but it was also an awesome tutorial on the differences between men and women and how we can learn to communicate with each other better.
My discount prescription card came just in time to help defray a portion of the added expense of my medications now that I don't have health insurance.
A wonderful woman from church has recommended me for a job opportunity with a colleague of hers who I'm meeting for coffee on Friday morning.
I'm working on a full-time time contract which is helping to pay the bills for now. And, it's less than 5 minutes from my house.
I joined the church I've been visiting for the last few months and I'm absolutely convinced that it's exactly where God wants me to be. I've even been asked to prayerfully consider enrolling in upcoming Small Group Leader Development training so that I can co-facilitate a new women's group.
The final copy of my book came back from the printer and it looks great. I'm about ready to start marketing it (stay tuned for more on this soon).
I had a great lunch with a very dear friend that I hadn't seen in years. It's been a long time since I laughed so hard.
I got a box full of wonderful birthday gifts from my dear friend Susan, including some items that had been hers and/or her Mom's that she chose to share with me. I am so honored.
I completed a small consulting contract.
No matter how much money I've spent this month, the balance in my checking account has somehow stayed the same. I can't explain it other than to say that even when no money was coming in, I continued to give offerings at church and to the charities I support.
I was able to take my daughter to have her first full-body massage. She loved it!
The facilitator of my women's group introduced me to an entirely new way to "pray" that has made a miraculous difference in my relationship with God.
I've lost the extra 6 lbs that I've been trying to lose for the last year.
God is answering my prayers about a personal situation in ways that can only be described as miraculous.

Amen.

A different look at the black church

2008-03-23T10:03:00.004-04:00

I made it the early Easter morning service today. The dance ministry presented an amazing depiction of the death, burial and resurrection of Christ. The mass choir sang "Don't cry, he is not dead. He has risen" while an angel comforted Mary and the other mourners. Despite the words of the song, the experience was so moving that I don't think there was a dry eye in the sanctuary.

But it didn't take long to realize that we weren't crying because Christ was dead, we were crying because of the incredible and excruciating price he chose to pay so that we could live. Our tears were tears of awe, humility, gratitude and praise. We cried because knowing that we believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead, we also know that anything is possible. And no matter what we're going through, we were reminded today that God can and will bring us through.

During the service, we were also blessed with a selection from a nationally-renowned Christian musician, Angella Christie, who's reached the top of Billboard's Christian instrumental music chart. She played an incredible arrangement of "Great is Thy Faithfulness." I couldn't find the video on youtube, but I did find a very old video of her highly stylized arrangement of another old school gospel favorite, "By and By."

There's been so much discussion and apprehension about what goes on in "the black" church over the past few weeks because of the video clips of Oback Barama's paster, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Certainly, there are as many different experiences within black churches as there are within white churches, but it seems that a very one-sided, and atypical, portrait of black churches has dominated the airwaves of late. So, in my pursuit of balance and authenticity, I offer this video, though it's old, as a view into my black church experience. While we clearly don't have a famous musician join us each Sunday, and the hair styles and fashions have changed, this is what goes on at my church every week.

Still on the journey: Week 4

2008-03-22T07:19:00.003-04:00

This morning will be Week 4 for my women's support group. I find myself looking forward to this very special time of fellowship each Saturday morning, and this week in particular. For the first time in a long time, I've had a very difficult week. While I still have so much to be thankful for, I've been struggling emotionally with a serious and unexpected personal issue and with the stress of a new job. I know that I can't talk about the specifics, but simply being in the presence of these supportive and loving women is such a blessing to me. I know that when I ask them to pray for this situation, I know that they will.

My "homework" assignment for the week was to practice cultivating the ability to do more listening and less talking when I'm praying. And as much as I hate to admit it, this is something that I need a LOT of practice on. Early in the week, I feared that this task would be difficult for me, and of course God knew that even better than I, because He gave me a reason to practice this new skill just when I needed it the most.

The night before last, I felt so low that all I could do was cry. I wanted to pray, but the words wouldn't come. My mind and heart were so heavy that I couldn't even think of a coherent string of words, much less utter them in prayer. So, I did the only thing I could do. I cried. And then I cried some more. Finally I cried out through my tears "Why God? Why this? Why now?"

Almost immediately the tears stopped and I felt comforted. The pain didn't go away, but it lessened. At first I thought that maybe it was the sleeping pill beginning to kick in, but I soon realized that it wasn't that at all. Because instead of drifting off to sleep, I felt as if God had placed the answer to my questions in my heart... "This is a test."

I didn't feel the anger or anxiety that I'd feel if a professor had just sprung an unexpected pop quiz for which I was totally unprepared, and told me that my entire grade for the class depended on how well I did on the test. It felt much more loving than that... sort of a "you said this is what you want... now it's time for you to see if you really want it" test, one that would ultimately be for my benefit.

Suddenly I started so see the situation a little differently. I have no idea how things will turn out, and I'm still prone to start crying at the drop of a hat, but knowing that even this is part of God's plan for me makes it somehow easier to bear.

Yesterday morning, I decided to indulge my guilty pleasure and see what my daily horoscope had to say. I know there are mixed feelings about horoscopes, but I do admit that I sometimes take a peek, and when I do, I usually find just the message I needed for that day. I chose to believe that God can speak to us in any way He chooses, so why not in a horoscope too? Here's what mine (Pisces) had to say:

Conflicts place unreasonable demands on you now, especially if you believe it's your responsibility to fix a situation that is actually beyond your control. Consider how you hold on to familiar behavior patterns because of your fear of change. Old habits are being tested by new circumstances, so don't waste valuable energy by struggling; let go and make room for what will follow.

Last night I felt much better than I did the night before. I feel a sense of comfort, a sense of peace, a sense of how God is using me in this situation, and for that, I am truly thankful.

A quiet rant

2008-03-20T17:41:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had "one of those days"? Today was one for me. I knew when I woke up that it would be a trying day at best. I didn't sleep well because I'm concerned about a personal health issue that recently cropped up from nowhere.

My initial perceptions on the state of the day were confirmed when I showed up at work to find no one there. Why is that a problem? Because I'm a temporary employee brought in to take over for the office manager while she's out on maternity leave. The thing is, we were supposed to have at least 2-4 weeks of training before she left. But her son decided not to comply with my most heartfelt wishes that he delay his arrival until the latest possible moment. In fact, the little angel decided to arrive a month early, and after only 3 DAYS of training! There is a wonderful part-timer who will be working with me in this small two-person office, but as my luck would have it, she was off today and tomorrow.

So there I sat alone all day, juggling two phone lines and a fax machine, all of which felt compelled to ring constantly, and also handling numerous new staffing requests that needed to be scheduled and assigned, resolving six pages of telephone messages and notes, working on a new project and more. My "things to do first thing in the morning list" already has 12 items on it!

And to make matters worse, in my haste to try to use the bathroom between phone calls, I somehow managed to drop my cell phone into the toilet. Needless to say, the phone is history, along with the 50+ telephone numbers that were stored in the phone and no where else. It was then that I realized that I didn't even know my mother's or my guy's phone numbers by heart. How sad is that? A new phone, minus my much-needed telephone directory, should arrive tomorrow. The good news is that I had insurance against the loss. The bad news is that it cost me $70 to replace a phone that I paid half that much for only 6 months ago.

Today I also confirmed that a purchase I ordered 6 weeks ago was "delivered" last week, only I never received it and no one has any idea where it is. I got a bill from my dentist's office saying that my former dental insurer denied coverage on my last dental visit before I got laid off because I wasn't covered at that time, when in fact I was. My appointment with an agent to discuss my unemployment claim has been scheduled for a time that I can't attend because I'm working now, meaning that I may not receive benefits for the time that I wasn't working (and I still don't have a full-time job). And, because my new prescription discount card won't be effective until April 1st, I have $180 worth of meds waiting for me at the pharmacy that I'll have to pay for out of pocket tomorrow. I'm sure there's more, but I can't remember right now and who cares anyway?

I'm too emotionally exhausted to even think eating dinner, much less fixing it, but I think I can muster enough energy to pour myself a very large glass of wine. Then I'll snuggle up on my couch and watch back-to-back episodes of In Treatment to remind myself that as bad as things seemed today, they could have been much worse. Hope your day was better!

A new dialogue on race

2008-03-18T19:42:00.003-04:00

I don't consider myself an Obama supporter, at least not politically. While I think he is inspirational on many levels, and I like his style, I disagree philosophically with him on many policy issues. That said, I grow more and more impressed with him as time goes by, and today was certainly no exception.

I have been following the recent controversy concerning the comments of Barack's pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright with mixed opinions. On one hand, having grown up as a member of the same denomination, the United Church of Christ, I know that these preachings are not representative of the entire denomination, despite what recent media clips might suggest. While I've since moved on spiritually, many members of my family are still very active in the denomination and not only is UCC not racist as a body, but I'd be surprised if nationwide, the membership was more than 10% black.

I also recognize that although the anger and vitreol of Rev. Wright's comments were extreme, I'd be lying if I said that I haven't heard those types of sentiments before. In fact, while I strongly disagree with the manner in which Rev. Wright's views were expressed, history bears evidence to generations of despicable treatment of blacks from slavery through Jim Crow and beyond. While most would have to agree that the state of the African-American union is much better than it was in my grandparents' generation, there is still work to be done to heal wounds that run so deep and to reverse the consequences of hundreds of years of unequal treatment.

Yet, on the other hand, I do reject the notion that all white people are evil, rich racists, as much as I reject the notion that all black people are illiterate criminals and drug addicts. I am blessed to have many very dear friends who are white, and I have heard some of the most racist statements uttered by blacks. I have been denied jobs because of my skin color and I received an academic scholarship to graduate school as part of an affirmative-action program. Was I qualified for those jobs? Absolutely. Was I smart enough to get into grad school on my own merits? Without question.

The bottom line is that race is not simply black and white. There are countless shades of gray, and as many perspectives on racial issues as there are skin colors. It is difficult, and dangerous, to rely on 15- or 30-second sound bytes or opinions from politically-biased pundits to develop meaningful positions on racial issues. As with any controversial subject, context, perspective, world-view and personal experiences are all inextricably bound in the tapestry of race relations. There are no easy answers to the pains that plague us or the divisions that still divide us, but one thing is certain. Unless we can begin to honestly, openly and humanely begin to discuss the very real issues of race in our culture, we will never be able to move beyond them. On this point, I agree wholeheartedly with Obama. Can America move forward? Yes, we can.

So forget the sound bytes. If you haven't heard Obama's speech in its entirety, it's worth 10 minutes to listen to it here.

Standing by unmanly men

2008-03-12T17:35:00.004-04:00

I was shocked (although I probably shouldn't have been) and saddened (who wouldn't be?) at the sight of Mrs. Spitzer standing by her man as he resigned as the Governor of New York today. I don't think there's anything else that needs to be said about the former Governor's alleged participation in a prostitution ring. But when is enough enough when it comes to high-profile men further publicly humiliating and disgracing their wives in public?

There's a part of me that wants to be angry at "public wives" who allow themselves to be shamed publically as they stand stoically by their husbands as they confess (or deny) sexual allegations that have been made against them. I know that this is one of those situations that I shouldn't pass judgment on unless I've walked a mile in the wronged wife's glass slippers. But I simply can't understand why these women show up at the press conferences to stand by their men.

I understand full well why the accused husband, his political advisors, agents (in the case of celebrities), lawyers and financial advisors would stress the importance of having the wife stand by her man in a show of support. After all, if a man's wife, the one most deeply hurt by his betrayal, can forgive him, then who are we as Joe and Jane Public not to do the same? But what's in it for the wife? Is it ever in her best interest to stand there for the prying eyes of the world to see? I've heard the case made that some women do it for the sake of their children. That may be, but as a mother myself, I'd have to wonder what kind of message I'd be sending to my children if I stood publicly behind my husband after he'd betrayed every vow and promise he'd made to me and to them. I think I'd be telling my children that this type of behavior is acceptable, when it clearly is not.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in the power of forgiveness, and if a wife chooses to forgive her husband, that's certainly her right. But for Heaven's sake, why do women believe that they owe it to anybody to stand there with him in the midst of a public scandal, pretending like everything is just fine when it so clearly is not? Where did this idea of wives falling on the sword for their cheating husbands come from? And how do we make it stop?

That said, as a Christian woman, as a former wife, and as a mother, my heart goes out to Mrs. Spitzer. While I completely disagree with her decision to stand with her man today, it was her decision to make. I pray that she and her daughters will find comfort and healing. And I hope that there's a big fat settlement check waiting for her at the end of all this. She certainly deserves compensation for the job she performed today.

If I'd known then

2008-03-06T13:46:00.004-05:00

I turned 49 earlier this week. Never before has the term "age is just a number" felt more true. I'm not at all stressed about approaching the big 5-0, but it's probably because I feel at least 10 years younger than my chronological age. The fact that I look much younger is an added bonus. Yet, regardless of how young I feel, the reality is that I've been an adult for 30 years and I've learned a lot during that time.

My 19-year-old daughter planned her two-week trip home from being stationed in Iraq to coincide with my birthday which has been a wonderful present. Among many other things, the 30-year age difference between us crossed my mind as we reminisced over our years together. I marvel at how different her life at 19 is from the way mine was at 19. Times have certainly changed, but we're also very different people. I'd like to believe that she's learned a lot by living vicariously through my triumphs and my mistakes over the years, but only time will tell if the lessons that I've struggled so hard to impart with her have taken root.

If I'm going to be honest, I must admit that my mother probably said the same thing 30 years ago when I was 19. And I now know as well as she knew then that 19-year-olds think they know everything, and hardly need the advice of an old, square, nerdy Mom to tell them about life. While my mother clearly wasn't able to prepare me for all of the particular situations I've faced in my adult life, she laid a very strong foundation which served me quite well in my professional life. She instilled in me a strong work ethic, a commitment to excellence and an understanding of the importance of balance.

I've been thinking about the life lessons and values that I want to impart in my daughter. There are too many to count, but if I had to pick ten of the most important, I think they would be these (in no particular order):

Make saving money a priority. Having a good-paying job is a blessing, not an entitlement, regardless of how hard you work or how smart you may be. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and there's no way to know if, or when, you'll experience a lay off, an extended illness, a major unexpected expenses, or any number of other challenges. Start saving money when you don't need it, so that you'll have it when you do. Establish a budget and stick to it. Use credit cards wisely, and as infrequently as possible. Enjoy driving a car that may be old, but that's paid for. Buy only what you absolutely need or love. Don't buy more house (or rent more apartment) than you can comfortably afford. Resist the temptation to by designer brands when generic alternatives work just as well. It makes no sense to spend years paying for things you no longer use, that you purchased with money you didn't have, that you bought to impress people that you don't even like.

Remember that your job is what you do, not who you are. I doubt that anybody on their death bed looks back on their life and wishes they'd worked more hours or received more promotions. It may not seem like it now, but life is too short, and much too precious to spend it all working. Career success is important, but much more important than your title or your profession is your commitment to doing your best to live a full and satisfying life in whatever line of work you choose. That said, I hope you'll find work that you love, and if you do, you'll be incredibly lucky. But if not, at least find work that you enjoy - you'll spend too much time there not to like it. And remember that your worth is defined by how you live your life, not what's written on your business card. If you don't love your current job and can't find one that you do love, consider your job a means of paying the bills, not a value judgment on your worth as a person.

Take vacations. It's a big, beautiful world out there and there's so much to see and do. Be adventurous, be spontaneous, and of course, be safe. Your life will be enriched beyond measure if you make the effort to expose yourself to different cultures, listen to different types of music, try different types of foods, and most importantly meet people from different walks of life than your own. Plan to make memories, and then go out and do it!

Choose your battles wisely. Even the generals of the mightiest armies knew that it is foolish to fight every battle simply because you think you can. Some causes are definitely worth fighting for, others simply aren't. It may take a while, but if you pay attention, you'll discover how to tell the difference. If you must fight, remember that it's brains, not brawn, that wins the war.

Plan carefully for your retirement. I know this is the last thing on your mind right now, but it is so very important to start planning early. Believe it or not, there will be a day when you're too old, too sick or too tired to work anymore, and that day is going to come a lot faster than you think. That doesn't have to be a scary prospect if you're prepared. But if you're not, the very thought of it will keep you awake at night with fear and worry. Find a good financial advisor and develop a plan. Stick with it, even if it's not fun.

Understand that when it comes to friends, it's quality not quantity that counts. When you're young, it's cool to have a lot of "friends", and the term is defined quite loosely. But as you get older and wiser, your definition of true friendship will evolve and you may find that there are not as many people in your close circle of friends, which is probably as it should be. Pick your friends wisely and then honor and respect those friendships. Be slow to get angry and quick to forgive. Respect each other's privacy and guard each other's secrets. Make room in your heart for the spouses and eventually the children of your close friends, even if you were there first. Keep in mind that as you get older, people move away and lives get more complicated, you may not see your friends as often, but the bonds of true friendship run much deeper than that.

Pick your men wisely. This is a big one. Other than the decision to accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, I can't think of another decision that can have as much of a positive or negative impact on the quality of your life as the men you choose to become involved with, and most importantly, the man you choose to marry. This choice will affect your happiness, your home, your physical well-being, your finances, your children and just about every other aspect of your life. Know and love yourself first. Decide what you do and don't want in a relationship and set boundaries concerning what behaviors you will and will not accept. Strive to find someone who will accept and love you unconditionally, but at the same time will lovingly encourage you to be the best you can possibly be. Remember that looks and physique and salary are nice, but the character of a man's heart far outweighs how cute or cut he is, or even the size of his bank account. You're much better off with a man of modest means who loves you wholeheartedly than a millionaire who treats you badly. And most of all, remember that not every man who says he loves you does.

Tithe. Make tithing a priority in your life, regardless of how much money you make. Tithing involves more than giving a tenth of your income, it also includes giving of your time and your talents. Help others when you can. Do volunteer work. Find a church family and become an active participant. Be a good friend and a good neighbor. Contribute to worthy charitable causes, or start one. And when you give of your time, talent and treasure, do so with a joyful and thankful heart.

Laugh and love as much as you can. I believe that laughter and love are two of life's greatest medicines. No matter how bad things get, try to find something to laugh about, even if you have to laugh through your tears. Look for the best in all circumstances and in all people. Sometimes it's hard to see the blessings when we're in the midst of the storm, but I assure you that they are there. Aim for a life as full of laughter and love as your heart can hold. You'll be glad you did.

And most importantly, put God first in all things.

Love always,

Mom

Gratitude Journal: February 2008

2008-02-29T08:37:00.002-05:00

Here's this month's partial list of the simply abundant things that I'm thankful for that manifested during the month:

Got an oil change and regular maintenance on my car and they didn't find anything else that needed fixing.

A beautiful bouquet of tulips and balloons for Valentine's Day from my daughter, who arranged for them to be delivered to me here even though she was in Iraq.

My daughter is home from Iraq for almost 3-weeks and will be here to celebrate my birthday next week.

Even though I was laid off from my job with no notice, the process made me realize how much the people that I'd worked with (other than my boss and one colleague) appreciated me and the work I'd done for them.

Learned that I'm eligible for unemployment benefits. Although the checks aren't going to be much, every little bit helps.

Have enough money in savings to be able to spend my daughter's vacation time with her. If I had to have been laid off, this was the perfect time for it.

Got a 4-month contract position beginning the day after my daughter leaves to go back to Iraq - how's THAT for perfect timing?

The contract job doesn't pay a lot of money, but it'll be interesting and it's about a mile from my home, so I can save money on gas and lunch (I can come home each day). It's also bought me some time to conduct a proper job search.

Found a basic health care plan that should tide me over, it's affordable, and even if I'm not employed full-time with the temp agency after this initial contract, I can keep the coverage, which was a major concern.

Able to get all of my prescriptions refilled before my major health insurance policy expires tomorrow.

Two of my prescriptions, including one that I take every day, is available from Wal-Mart's $4 prescription drug program, saving me about $150/month on that one medication alone.

Since I started taking a medication to lower my cholesterol it's come down substantially in the first 6 weeks. I may even be able to stop taking it in a few months if the trend continues.

Celebrated the best Valentine's Day ever with my new guy.

The lead that led to my long-term temp job came from the guy I used to date. I guess there is something to be said for ending a relationship with style.

Participating in a wonderful 8-week women's support group that meets on Saturday mornings at my church.

Started knitting an awesome cable sweater with my #1 knitting buddy. We met at Starbucks on Sunday and knit for 3 hours. Time files when you're having fun.

Another wonderful month with my new guy. It just keeps getting better and better!

It's been a great month.

Still on the journey: Week 1

2008-02-28T12:56:00.006-05:00

Last week I started an 8-week women's support group at my church. I wasn't sure what to expect, but things got off to an awesome start and I am certain that my presence there was not by happenstance. The group is structured around a wonderful book, "Still on the Journey", which takes a Biblical and spirital approach to dealing with the challenges, both big and small, that women face along this journey called "life."

We have homework assignments each week that will involve journaling. I decided to do my journaling here since the work we're doing is directly relevant to what's going on in my life. So, at some point each week, I'll post my thoughts on what we're learning here.

Our first assignment was a reading in Genesis 16 about Hagar, who after being treated unjustly by her mistriss Sarah [sp], ran away into the desert. I doubt that Hagar intended to end up in the hot, dry, miserable desert, I suspect she simply wanted to get away from the people and the circumstances that had caused her so much pain. I know that feeling well. Been there... Done that.

Of course, I never ran into the desert, but my "running" was quite literal. I moved to another city, sometimes to another state, when things got too difficult or too painful where I was. The problem is that once the excitement and the newness of moving to a new home, exploring a new city, making new friends and settling into a new job wore off, problems started to creep back into my life again. It took a long time, but I finally realized that no matter where I went, I was always there.

While Hagar was in the desert, an angel found her, called her by name, and asked her two very important questions: Where have you come from and where are you going? While discussing Hagar's predicament in the group, I realized that I've been where Hagar was at that moment and I've spent the better part of the last two years finding answers to those very questions for myself.

I've come from a place of unresolved pain, anger and bitterness. As a long-term survivor of a violent assault, I felt helpless, hopeless, afraid and ashamed. In my rush to put it behind me and move on with my life, I never dealt with the source of my pain and instead pushed it deep down inside. While I temporarily plugged a gaping hole in the dam, I failed to realize that the water was still rushing on the other side, building force, only to create cracks in other parts of the carefully-erected wall I'd built. Failed relationships, stress-induced illnesses, severe and chronic insomnia, job-hopping, spiritual isolation and countless other "holes" started appearing in my life until finally the dam burst.

It certainly hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been quick, but by God's grace, I am recovering. I am healing, one challenge at a time. With God's help, I've figured out where I'm going, ultimately. By that I don't mean that I know what city I'll ultimately live in or what job I'll have, but I have a very clear understanding of what's important in my life. I'm able to say "No" to things and people that are not good for me, I'm able to love myself - warts and all, and most importantly, I'm able to recognize and be thankful for God's blessings, even in the midst of a storm. I don't know the particulars of what God has in store for me, but I finally know in my heart that He does have a plan for my life and that as long as He is my guide and my compass, that I'll always be exactly where He wants me to be.

Astrology: a guilty pleasure

2008-02-19T07:54:00.004-05:00

OK. I admit it. I've been known to check out my horoscope every now and then. I'm a by-the-book Pisces woman. When the news is good, I smile and when it's not, I forget about it and move on.

Let me say right here that I am a Christian and I do not consider astrology to be a religion. I think of it like a science. To me it's not that much different from predicting weather patterns in the Farmer's Almanac. I don't pretend to understand either, and I don't really care. Sometimes I just think it's a fun diversion.

Since I have some free time on my hands now, I decided to do some long-overdue filing this morning. I found a detailed horoscope for people born on my birthday, March 3rd, that I printed out on March 3, 2007. The horoscope was a forecast from March 2007 to March 2008. For something that I don't put a lot of serious stock into, in retrospect, it was amazingly accurate.

The year promises to be a busy period in your life when you might make dramatic changes to your nutrition or health regime.

I finally found the right health care team who collectively got a handle on my sleep apnea, insomnia and depression. I've changed my diet, gotten on the right meds at the right dose, and I'm feeling great.

Keeping "on top" of things in terms of staying organized is likely to be a focus, although you may not always succeed at doing so!

One of the best things I did during this period was hire a team of personal organizers to re-organize my home office. The results were so profound that I did the rest of my house utilizing the techniques I learned. As my horoscope suggested, my compliance rate in keeping everything in order hasn't always been 100% since then, but I have met my "15 minute" rule, meaning my home is always no more than 15 minutes away from being ready for unexpected visitors.

A healthy dose of introspection is encouraged.

I think this blog speaks is the best evidence that this was true. I started it at the end of March 2007.

This is an ideal year in which to do editing or research of any kind, and to put finishing touches on projects you may have initiated last year.

My book is finally finished and is going off to the printer this week! I feel like I'm in the final stages of a very long pregnancy.

Past errors may come to light... You're taking on a whole new perspective with regards to your life.

Again, that's what this blog is about.

This period in your life is the culmination of a stage of personal growth and development. Events at this time may bring to a head various developments in your emotional, psychological, or spiritual life over the past several years.

This is the most stunningly accurate assessment of the entire horoscope. Everyone who's known me for years knows this to be 100% true. Some have gone so far as to say that I've ended my season of trials and have entered a season of abundance. And for that, I sincerely and humbling thank God.

It's easier than ever to express your unique individuality, and if this involves changing careers or jobs, a new love affair, or an entirely new hobby, it's something that takes you forward into unexplored territory.

I did make a major job change in May. Because of that job, even though it was short-lived, I was blessed to meet some wonerful people and some great professional connections. Also because of that job, I am now in a wonderful new relationship with an amazing man. And, I've developed an interest in an entirely new hobby - photography

Your personality is sparkling this year, which is sure to attract new circumstances and people into your life.

It already has. :)

You might fight that you become more goal-oriented, as superficial goals no longer satisfy you. You want your life path and your objectives to reflect what you're really about, and your likely to rid yourself of unsatisfying goals this year.

Absolutely true. I wrote about this recently here.

You are inclined to do a lot of "digging", researching, analyzing, investigating, and getting to the bottom of things. Increased psychological awareness of yourself and others can benefit you greatly, and employing strategy in your decision-making is easier than usual this year.

Again I point to this blog.

You'll have a chance to heal old wounds with regards to love. You are especially open to love and romantic feelings and more willing to act upon them.

Amen. :)

So, this astrology thing may be a sham, but I'm not complaining.

Now faith is REALLY a verb

2008-02-13T19:53:00.006-05:00

I was terminated from my job today. I should have seen it coming, but I must admit that it caught me off guard - especially the part where I found myself being watched while I gathered my things, as if I was a common thief. My employer and I have had irreconcilable differences in our philosophy on how to run a business and how to treat customers and employees, so this point in time was inevitable. But I thought I'd at least get a week's notice. Don't ask me why I thought that given everything else I know about my former boss. Call me stupid, but I just have this terrible habit of assuming that people will do the right thing.

Ironically, she tried to blame it on me, but when I asked for examples of performance issues, deadlines that were missed, or a single example of an instance in which I didn't do at least 110% of what was asked of me, she couldn't provide a single one. Instead, she told me that she was "restructuring" her business, that she needed to take a more proactive role, and that essentially she was going to be doing my job AND getting her business back on track. She said that she'd been planning to let me go on Friday, but after I pushed back on her refusal to allow me to use comp time to leave a bit early on Valentine's Day (insisting that I had to use vacation time), she decided to do it today. Sadly, if I hadn't pushed back on the performance non-issue, I honestly think she would have let me leave thinking that I could have done something to avoid this.

Again, call me stupid, but I didn't think that requesting 90 minutes of comp time was such a horrible crime, especially since I'd started work 45 minutes early on the day I made the request and I volunteered to work through lunch on Valentine's Day to make up the difference. Ironically, the thing I'm most angry about at this moment is the fact that she was going to make me use vacation time tomorrow, knowing that she was planning to fire me the very next day! The word "character" comes to mind.

God has been so good to me these past few months, despite all my troubles at work. In every other area of my life He has blessed me beyond measure and I am so grateful. That's why I'm convinced that this too is part of a bigger plan that He has for me. As awful as this afternoon has been, I'm confident that He's already opening doors to something much bigger and better, even though I can't see it at the moment. I just need to remain faithful, and thankful, and prayerful. I don't know what the next job will look like, where it'll come from, or how long I'll be unemployed, but I know it'll be better than the place I left.

I know I need to start planning my job search, sending out resumes, letting friends and others know that I'm looking for work, and I'll do all that. Just not tomorrow... or the next day. I have a wonderful Valentine's Day celebration planned for tomorrow night, so tomorrow I think I'll sleep in and then give myself the "home spa" treatment so I'll be relaxed and ready to have a great time. Then, after a wonderful evening tomorrow night, I'll sleep in on Friday and find something fun to do. And then of course, there's the weekend. I'll treat my job search like a job and start the process on Monday, after I've had a chance to rest and recover.

Faith is indeed a verb.

Image available at www.bigfoto.com

January blessings

2008-02-09T14:59:00.000-05:00

I promised myself that this year I was going to keep my Gratitude Journal updated. I know, it's the same thing I promised myself last year too, but this year I'm really trying to do it. To hold myself accountable, I decided to post a short-list of blessings at the end of each month that demonstrate that I am indeed living a life of what I call "creative abundance. " I'm a bit late with January's list, but here it is:

Had the best New Year's Eve ever (honestly). When the ball dropped, I was in the middle of my living room dancing cheek-to-cheek with my new guy. I couldn't have been happier and it didn't cost us a dime!
Saved hundreds of dollars by visiting a new eye doctor who prescribed a less expensive type of contact lenses that are also extended-wear, thereby saving me lots on the lenses themselves, not having to replace them as frequently, needing less saline and cleaning solutions, and perhaps most importantly, not having to buy a new pair of prescription glasses for back-up.
Got great tickets (3rd row center) to an awesome Valentine's Day concert at a substantial discount through work. I got a similar deal on tickets to take my dad to see his favorite artist of all time - B.B. King in May.
Got lots of yarn donations (as well as new volunteers) for my knitting ministry when I spoke at a women's knitting retreat.
Filled my 5 Fave's plan with T-mobile, so now I can talk to my favorite people any time, any where, at no additional cost and without having to worry about minutes.
Found some awesome bargains at the designer consignment shop that I visit on occassion.
Started making my own sugar scrub for pennies compared to the $19.99 per jar that I used to spend to buy virtually the same thing from Bath & Body Works.
Received a $25 gift card from CVS for filling a new prescription there. How easy was that?
Got six week's worth of samples of my new medication for FREE.

Note: Image available at www.bigfoto.com

Liars

2008-02-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

I detest liars. I know that we all tell a "white lie" every now and then... taking a sick day when we're not really THAT sick, saying "no" when a girlfriend asks "do these pants make me look fat?", or saying that you had a nice time when the date really wasn't all that great. I guess technically a lie is a lie is a lie, but that's not what I'm on my soap box about today. I'm talking about lies that are truly unethical. Lies like when the boss says "I'm working on that raise, just give me a little more time" when it's absolutely not true, or when a prospective employer says "Race (or gender) didn't have anything to do with why you didn't get the job" when you know that's EXACTLY why you didn't get it, or when a guy says "I love you", when you know that's guy-speak for "can we just have sex?"

If there's one thing that is almost always certain to send me off into a state of sheer disgust, it's when someone lies to me. Yes, I take it "personally" even when I know that the person is a pathological liar who lies to everyone, even him or herself. Why? Because for me, being lied to represents more than merely a character flaw on the other person's part. It is an insult that they think I'm too stupid to be able to see through the lies. The fact that I don't always challenge someone when I catch them in a lie doesn't mean that the lie was lost on me. But it changes everything about my view of that person and my perception of our interaction. Sadly, once I know that someone has lied to me, I'm much less likely to believe anything else they say, even if it's true. And what's really ironic is the fact that the very people who lie the most, are the ones who most often believe that everyone else is lying to them! As George Bernard Shaw said, "The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."

I think lying is about control... attempting to control another person (their behavior, their perceptions, their reactions), attempting to control a situation, attempting to control the consequences of one's actions (or lack of them), and even attempting to control our fears, be they real or imagined. I don't know who Tad Williams is/was, but I agree with him we he said that "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger."

I constantly struggle with how to react to liars. In some instances, the solution is clear - simply stay away from them. Unfortunately, it's not always that easy. When the liar is a co-worker, or an employer, or even a relative, it's not that easy to walk away, although sometimes it's absolutely necessary. But it's that frequent, and necessary interaction that also makes it hard to consistently turn the other cheek. While not challenging a liar may make life a little easier in the short run, it quietly erodes away at the very fabric of the relationship, destroying trust and leaving bitterness and resentment instead. And, I often fear that not challenging a liar enables and emboldens them to lie even more. Does that somehow make me complicit in their lies? Probably. That sucks.

Gratitude Journal: January 2008

2008-01-31T16:10:00.001-05:00

It's easy to express thanks for the "big things" in our lives - a new job, a new partner or spouse, a raise, a baby or a new car. It's harder to remember that it's just as important to express our gratitude for the smaller things, the things that we often take for granted.

An attitude of gratitude is crucial to our emotional and spiritual well-being for a number of reasons: (1) it reminds us of how blessed we are - always and in all ways; (2) it helps us maintain perspective on our lives by focusing on our "haves" rather than our "have nots"; (3) it supports the universal Law of Attraction that says that we create what we think about, whether it's abundance or lack; and (4) and last but not least, spiritually, it's simply the right thing to do - a grateful heart pleases God.

I've already started a gratitude/abundance journal for 2008. In it, I'm keeping track of the things - both big and small - that I am grateful for on a daily basis. I am trying to pay particular attention to those things that remind me that I'm living a life of simple abundance. I finally realize that abundance is not measured by the size of my bank account or the square footage of my house. It's measured by the peace, joy, contentment and love that exists in my life on a daily basis. It's evidenced when I find a great sale on an item I really needed or wanted, or when I'm invited to a friend's for dinner or when I resist the urge to buy something that I don't need for all the wrong reasons.

The more I focus on living abudantly, and being grateful for that, the more abundance I find in my life. For example, in 2007 I earned less than I've made in years, yet I had more disposable income than I've had in years. I can honestly say that there isn't a single thing last year that I really needed that I didn't have the resources to purchase. In fact, I was even able to buy a few things that I didn't need, but really wanted. And what's even nicer is that I did not use a credit card or take money from my savings account to do it. Now THAT'S something to be thankful for!

So, starting now, at the end of each month I'll post a partial list of the simply abundant things that I'm thankful for that manifested during the month:

Saved hundreds at the eye doctor (switched from special daily contacts to much less expensive contacts that I can sleep in and use for a month, eliminating the need for another expensive pair of glasses!)

Able to exchange 2 boxes of contact lenses that I'd bought before my Rx changed for more of the newer, less expensive lenses, even though I was well past the return period.

Purchased the $70 set of circular knitting needles that I've been looking at for months for only $6 after catching a 30% off sale AND using a $45 gift card from the students in my knitting class at work.

Got a sound machine (ocean noises to help me sleep) for $0.02 after returning 2 boxes of coffee pods that my mother had purchased, which were for the wrong machine.

Got the correct coffee pods for my new coffee maker from an online liquidator - instead of $4.99 for a box of 18, I got 162 coffee and tea bods for only $19.99!

Found a beautiful black leather coat in perfect condition at the local thrift store for $24.99.

Celebrated the best New Year's Eve ever at home, dancing by candlelight with my new man.

Found the perfect Christmas gift for my knitting friend (a page-a-day knitting calendar) at half-price because I bought it the day after Christmas.

Found out that my new favorite artist, Kem, is going to be performing in my town on Valentine's Day!

I'm not mad at 'em

2008-01-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to share good news. I have a friend who insists on setting me up each time we get together. I made the mistake once of telling her about how painfully my last relationship ended and in doing so, I opened a door that I haven't been able to close. She has a very low opinion of men, and collects anecdotes about men behaving badly like stamp collectors collect stamps.

Every time we talk, she asks how things are going with my new guy. Despite the fact that I always joyfully say that things are great (because they are), she warns me to "be careful", "watch my back", "remember that men only want one thing", "don't believe anything they say because they all lie," blah... blah...blah. I know she means well, she doesn't want me to be hurt again - again. But asking me about my relationship only to then tear it down would be hurtful too if I were inclined to allow her comments to steal my joy.

Yes, I've been hurt. A lot. But over time I've come to understand that no situation, and no relationship, is without purpose. People are brought into our lives to teach us things, and for us to teach them things, and because some of us learn some things slower than others, lessons sometimes have to be repeated over and over until we figure it out.

There is an exercise called "clarity through contrast" that I read about in a book on the Law of Attraction. It involves reflecting on past relationships, specifically the things that we do not want, in order to become clearer on what we do want. Once I was able to release the anger and the embarrassment of my failed relationships, I was able to see the value in them. Just as cold, dreary days make me appreciate the warmth of the sun, all those relationships with Mr. Wrong have helped me be clear about Mr. Right.

So, if I were to write an open letter to my exes, the theme would be one of gratitude. I'd simply say "thank you" to each of them.

Thank you for teaching me about the power of forgiveness when I was able to forgive my best friend in college for sleeping with you.

Thank you for realizing that you "weren't man enough" to stay and watch me die when I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness. That was 15 years ago. I was misdiagnosed, but you clearly weren't ready for a real relationship.

Thank you for not adopting my daughter, even though I wanted you to at the time. She's better off without a father at all, than a father in name only.

Thank you for making me realize that there isn't enough love, compassion or patience to heal a heart that isn't ready or willing to be healed. The more I tried to heal your heart, the more I broke my own.

Thank you for being so impossible to please. The more I tried to change myself to be the person I thought you wanted me to be, the less I liked the person I'd become. Apparently you didn't like her either, so what was the point?

Thank you for breaking up with me so ruthlessly. It was a clean break so there were no jagged edges to get in the way of my healing. Had you not ended things so completely, I might not have been over you when someone new came into my life.

Where did we get the notion that our hearts were never to be broken? Why are we so afraid of being hurt that we're afraid to open our hearts and souls to another? If all of the painful lessons of the past are practice to prepare me for the blessings that God has in store for me, then they were worth it.

So, yes, I've been hurt by men before. Many times, but you know what? I'm not mad at 'em.

My Bucket List

2008-01-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

I wrote recently that I was going to post my Bucket List. Now that WillThink4Wine says that I inspired her to post hers, it's only fitting that I should follow through with mine. We've already decided that we must be kindred spirits, but I think that was confirmed today when I saw several items from my mental bucket list that made it onto her posted one.

So here goes...

Fall in love with the man I've waited my entire life to meet and live as close to happily-ever-after as possible.

Vacation at Grace Bay Beach in the Turks and Caicos Islands, exploring the beauty of what has consistently been rated one of the world's most beautiful beaches.

Publish and successfully sell at least 6 books.

Visit Sydney, Australia.

Tour the Greek Islands.

Spend an entire night salsa dancing.

Help plan a hugely successful black-tie silent auction for a worthy cause.
Serve on the Board of Directors for a charitable organization.

Make love under the stars on a tropical beach.

Own a home with a water view (debt-free, of course).

Play the piano again, well.

Visit at least 5 of the top 10 most beautiful beaches in the United States.

Visit at least 5 of the top 10 most beautiful beaches in the world.

Own a piece of silver jewelry designed by John Hardy.

Visit the Grand Canyon.

See a movie being filmed.

Custom design and decorate a home.

Win an award.

Help plan my daughter's wedding.

Witness the birth of my grandchildren.

Find a church and church family that I love and become an active member.

Truly make a difference in someone's life.

Find a job that I love.

Allow people to see the light and the grace of God through me.

Become more confident at public speaking, and perhaps do a series of motivational speaking engagements.

Host a fabulous party for friends.

Visit at least a dozen different islands in the Caribbean.

Attend a jazz music festival.

Have a library in my home filled with books I love.
Host a photography exhibit at a small art gallery.

Go on an Alaskan cruise and wear sweaters that I've knit the entire time.

Drive through Skyline Drive at the height of the fall leaf color season.

Rent a villa in the Caribbean for at least a week.

Save at least 6 months' income in a "rainy day" fund.

Go to an exclusive spa for at least 3 days.

Visit my favorite e-mail pals, regardless of where they live.

Take 3 girlfriends on a cruise - all expenses paid.

Attend a Jonathan Butler concert in South Africa.

Change is good

2008-01-13T12:25:00.000-05:00

I've written a lot about how much I've changed in the past year or so, probably more so than any other period during my entire adult life. But only recently have I truly begun to comprehend the magnitude of the change and it's spiritual significance.

In the message at church yesterday morning, the pastor talked about caterpillars, those slinky, furry little creatures who crawl around just below the radar, serving no particular purpose other than eating every leaf in sight. They have very poor vision and I'm guessing that everything looks pretty much the same. Day in and day out, life must seem boring at best and utterly hopeless at worst. I know a lot of people who live life like that. In fact, I used to be one of them.

But, unlike a lot of humans, caterpillars somehow know that they have an appointment with destiny. They carry on, day after day, and when the time is right, they crawl inside a cocoon to begin the hard work of transformation.

I don't know how long they stay in there, but I can only imagine how dark, lonely, painful and scary it must be. They are isolated and singularly focused on the internal and external struggle that they were born to embrace. Yet, we all know how this story ends, the struggle was worth it, because what crawled into that cocoon as a yucky little caterpillar emerged victoriously as an entirely new creature, a beautiful butterfly with wings to soar and beauty to behold.

While listening to the message, I realized that the pastor was describing another metamorphisis - my own. I'd been praying for spiritual and emotional growth for years, and while I did grow in spurts, my life wasn't changing in any substantive ways. Although there were bright days, I was circling the same mountain again and again. But in the past several months, I've been blessed with some new friends. And as part of the process of getting to know them and allowing myself to be known by them, I've sensed a strange disconnect between the person that I describe when I talk truthfully about my past and the person that they've come to know and care about.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that the reason I feel, and they sense, a disconnect is because I'm not talking about the same person. Yes, I look the same (other than the obvious signs of aging), but in God's infinite wisdom, He gave me more than I prayed for. He didn't enable me to grow, He empowered me to change. I too started out as a caterpillar, and I spent years in the cocoon. It was dark, it was frightening, and despite the support that I had from loving family and friends, when it came down to it, I had to do the hard work alone.

But I'm here to tell you, there is life on the other side... and the view is absolutely spectactular!

My Zen of Praise

2008-01-12T06:50:00.000-05:00

Music has always been an important part of my life. When it was younger, I enjoyed music purely for it's entertainment value. But over the years I've learned that it's so much more. Music lifts me up, calms me down, energizes me, brings back memories and helps me visualize making new ones.

While all those things are great, though, the most important way that music moves me is spiritually. Now matter how sad or depressed I may be feeling, listening to praise and worship music is a healing balm for my soul. And, it's one of the most effective ways that I communicate with God and that He communicates with me.

This week, I purchased an MP3 player, a Zen by Creative Media Source. It doesn't look like much, and cost much less than the popular iPod (less than $40 at WalMart), but after just a few days, I can't imagine how I lived with out it. The night I bought it, I spent a few hours downloading my favorite jazz/latin/contemporary praise and worship songs. So far, I have 98 songs by artists such as Donnie McClurkin, Salvador, Jonathan Butler, Ramsey Lewis, Yolanda Adams and many more.

My BOSE stereo system in my car died a horrible death nearly a year ago and the cost to replace it is more than my car is worth, but that was probably a blessing because now when I'm in the car, I'm listening to my new playlist. Now when I'm walking, my Zen and my camera inspiring to find God in unexpected places on my travels and try to capture some of that with film. This morning I realized that I could copy the same playlist to my PC, so I'm listening to it as I blog. Some may consider this the "lazy woman's way to pray", and perhaps they're right. But for me, it works. I can't help my thank God and praise Him when I'm listening to this music.

My daughter is coming on for 2 weeks next month for my birthday - she's stationed in Iraq. We decided to wait and exchange Christmas presents when she comes. She doesn't need much, and certainly can't drag around a lot of stuff given where she is. When I created my Zen of Praise, I realized that it would be the PERFECT gift for her. It's much smaller than a credit card and easily fits in the palm of a hand. My version (the least expensive one) holds approximately 250 songs, and will play for 10 hours on a built-in battery that recharges in 2 hrs from a PC. And thankfully for me, I introduced her to all these artists when she was growing up so I know she's love my playist. So, for Christmas in March, she's getting a Zen of Praise of her very own, complete with her Mom's playlist. Just listening to it as she sits on lonely guard duty for 4 hours each evening will uplift her, encourage her, reminder her that her mother loves her, and most importantly, remind her that God loves her even more.

100 things about me

2008-01-09T21:13:00.001-05:00

I did this about 2 years ago when I first started blogging (on another blog), and I've thought many times about updating it, especially since Marja has given up on asking me to post more about myself. So today when I realized how much I enjoyed reading a list like this one at WillThink4Wine, I decided to go for it:

I was born in 1959 and grew up in Washington, DC.
I'm now an only child. My brother died in 1989 when he was 22 years old.

I adopted my daughter when she was 8 months old. She's now 19 and proudly serving in the US Armed Forces. I'm so proud of her.

I took classical piano lessons for 12 years, but stopped playing when I left for college.

I bought a piano a few years ago, but haven't started playing again yet.

I love to write and will be publishing my first book very soon.

I love to knit.

I graduated from high school a year early in 1976.

I went to Ga Tech for grad school and got a Masters degree in 1982.

I've owned my own business since 2001. I have a great boss.

I love to be near the water, particularly if the weather is warm.

I love to vacation in the Caribbean.

My most fun vacation (so far) was 10 days in Jamaica in 1995. I hope to break that record this year.

I wish I could sing, but I can't.

I learned to dance salsa in 2007. I'm not great at it, but I LOVE it!

I voted for Clinton twice and Bush twice. Thank Heaven for term limits.

I love country music, partly because I can understand the words, but also because they actually tell a story.

Beautiful music often makes me cry.

My favorite TV shows of all time are: 24, The Carol Burnett Show, and La Femme Nikita. My favorite new shows are Grey's Anatomy and Cane.

I used to be a die-hard Redskin fan, but football doesn't excite me any more the way it used to.

Not including college, I've lived in Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and Ontario Canada. St. Petersburg, FL was my absolute favorite.

I've been married and divorced more than once and recently realized that I'd never truly been *in love*, but I haven't given up home that it'll happen.

I'm an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic. (see #23) :)

I'm still in contact with my best friend from middle school, after more than 30 years.

I hate watching local news but am addicted to cable news - particularly political news... go figure!

I love fresh cut flowers. I want my home to be full of them.

I have dozens of books that I've been "dying to read" for years, but I keep buying more before I can get to them.

I never really believed in "soul mates", but if they exist, I think I may have found mine. I hope so!

My first car was a yellow and white '75 Chevy Monza.

My current car, a '96 Nissan Maxima has been paid for since 2003. It has 173,000 miles and I hope to get to at least 250,000.

Sometimes TV commercials make me cry.

I used to suffer from a severe case of CHAOS (Can't Have Anybody Over Syndrome), but now I only need 15 minutes advance notice and I'm ready to throw a party!

One of my best investments was paying to have personal organizers re-do my home office. I was so inspired that I did the rest of my home!

I've had chronic insomnia since 1994. It sucks, except when I'm hypomanic!

I had a boyfriend break up with me because I'd been diagnosed with lupus and he thought I was going to die soon. That was almost 15 years ago - I was misdiagnosed.

I'm terribly afraid of heights. Driving through the mountains causes me to have panic attacks.

I once was hospitalized for IV sedation because my insomnia was so bad. I spent the first night pacing the halls pushing my IV pole.

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea in 2006. I hate sleeping with my mask, but it sure beats dying in my sleep.

I agree completely with WillThink4Wine, who said "I have a love/hate relationship with flying; I hate it, but I love that it can transport me so quickly to someone that I wish to spend time with."

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff, and that it's up to us to learn the lesson and move forward.

I believe in the Law of Attraction. and have experienced it in my own life.

I don't like large crowds, they make me nervous.

I hate rude drivers, especially ones that don't wave "thank you" when I let them into traffic.

I love Twizzlers.

I'm mesmerized by fireworks, especially over the water.

My dream is to retire to an island in the Caribbean and spend the rest of my days enjoying the scenery and the rest of my nights dancing under the stars with the man I love.

With the exception of my daughter, my mother and my aunt, I'm not close to my family, although they live in denial about why that is.

I've taught dozens of women how to knit.

I love to watch good movies, although my definition of "good" depends on the mood I'm in.

I've ridden muleback (not to be confused with horseback) through a foot of snow in the Poconos Mountains

I LOVED being pregnant, but my daughter was born prematurely and died. She would have been 26 this year and I still miss her.

I believe that love is a choice.

I am so thankful to be a Christian.

I do my best praying when I'm listening to Christian music.

As painful as divorce was for me, it was a wonderful opportunity to reinvent myself.

I love to laugh.

One of the best things in the world is the laughter of a child.

I love to see professional photographs of childrens' feet (I know, that sounds weird).

I love a man with a beautiful smile who's not afraid to use it.

The older I get, the sexier I feel.

Having a hysterectomy was the best medical decision I've ever made. I just wish I'd done it 10 years earlier.

I hope I never have to fake another orgasm.

I enjoy going on a scavenger hunt in a nearby thrift store looking for designer clothes that still have the original store tags. I've found some incredible deals there.

I recently bought the perfect black ball gown. I have no idea where I'm going to where it, but I'm going to wear it.

I love to play Scrabble, but only with someone who's at least as good at is as I am.

I detest rude drivers.

I once played the piano with the D.C. Youth Orchestra at The Kennedy Center.

I've never served on jury duty and I don't know why. I think I'd like to.

If I could chose my career again knowing what I do now, I'd either be a pediatric nurse or an architect.

I bought a new camera in 2007 and I love taking pictures. I hope to become a good photographer.

I spent a summer in Spain between 7th and 8th grade.

My first boyfriend was a cute as could be, but he was the ganster-child from hell. I wonder what ever happened to him.

If I ever get married again, I want to be barefoot on the beach on a tropical island.

I've always wanted to be a stepmother.

I'm looking forward to being a grandmother, but no time soon.

For a while I had a housekeeper come once a month to clean and do laundry. I loved it, except for when I cleaned up the night before I knew she was coming to clean up.

I'd love to have a housekeeper again. I love a clean house but I hate cleaning it. I hate doing laundry even more.

I once got to meet a real-life bush doctor in Jamaica.

I lived in a small town in Ontario Canada for 6 months. I hate cold weather.

I'm not at all anxious about turning 50 next year. I believe that 50 is the new 40 and people never guess my age correctly (thanks Mom for great genes).

If I could have chosen my mother, I would have picked the same one that God chose for me.

I wish all my exes could see me now. Happiness is the best revenge!

I wonder if any of my exes ever think about me, and if so, what they think.

If I can ask God three questions when I get to Heaven, one of them will be why black girls didn't get wash-and-wear hair like white girls.

I'm addicted to romance but I hate reading romance novels.

I prefer making gifts for the people I care most about, rather than giving store-bought gifts.

I legally changed my name in 2006 when my divorce was final... not just my last name, my ENTIRE name and I'm so glad I did.

I reached the District finals of the National Spelling Bee when I was in the 5th grade.

I regret that I wasn't wiser with my money when I was earning a lot of it.

I wish my father and I had been closer. I always wanted to be "Daddy's Girl".

I hate paperwork, especially having to file it.

I'm a morning person. When I'm feeling well, I usually get more done by 10 on Saturday mornings that most people do all day. But after mid-day, my energy level drops like a lead balloon.

I love hot weather. Give me 90 degrees in the shade and I'd be perfectly happy.

I truly appreicate the fine art of kissing.

"Pretty Woman" is my favorite fairy tale.

My comfort foods are Breyer's ice cream, shrimp fried rice and blackberry cobbler.

I have a pretty bad memory. The bad news is that I can't lie even if I want to because I wouldn't remember what I said. The good news is that a secret is safe with me because I'll forget it.

When I die, I don't want a funeral. I want my closest friends to eat, drink and be merry and share what I hope will be lots of happy memories of times we shared. Then I want my ashes to be spread at sea.

I'm going to make a Bucket List and post it here.

This was actually a lot of fun.

Old stigmas die hard

2008-01-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

Last week was the end of the clinical research trial that I started in April for a new-and-improved antidepressant that my doctor affectionately refers to as "the son of Effexor". I believe the brand name is Pristiq (from Wyeth), but I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it worked wonders, both in significantly reducing my depressive symptoms and in improving my sleep (I have sleep apnea, fibromyalgia and chronic insomnia, which my doctors and I believe are the biggest contributing factor to the depression).

Despite the horror stories I've heard and read about Effexor, I didn't have any side effects from the medication, either tapering on, or tapering off. Actually, I take that back - there was one very surprising, and very welcomed side effect that I noticed while I was on the drug - for me, it was a very effective appetite suppressant. During the first 6 weeks at my maintenance dose, I lost 10 lbs and kept it off for the balance of the study (over 6 months). In the past month since I started weaning off of the medication, I've gained back 4 lbs.

Last week I went to see the study doctor last week, who is going to be my private brain doctor now that the study is over. After we discussed how effective the medication had been and how smooth the withdrawal process had been for me, he started to explain how we would taper back onto Effexor XR until the new drug is approved by the FDA, at which point I can switch. Or, alternatively, I suggested that since I was now off and feeling great, that I wanted to stay off for a while just to "see what would happen."

At that point my doctor politely told me that my idea was a terrible one. Bless his heart, he took the time to very thoroughly and patiently explain to me the many reasons why he thought it was important that I continue to take the medication, particularly since it was working. As he was explaining his rationale, I remembered the discussions that I had with the hospital doctors and nurses both before and after my hysterectomy about using the morphine pump. They continually reminded me that it's much easier and more effective to manage pain by taking pain medication before the pain becomes unbearable, than to try to reduce the pain after it's become severe. I am obviously not a medical professional so forgive me for over-simplifying, but even with a headache, I find that it's much easier to ease the pain if I take something at the first signs of an approaching headache rather than trying to tough it out. If I wait too long, it takes much longer, and much more medication, to get rid of the headache once it's taken hold. And if I really wait too long, medication won't work at all and I simply have to go to bed and try to sleep until the headache goes away on it's own.

I know that there are as many perspectives on medications for mental pain as there are people who experience it, but after thinking about my conversation with my doctor for a while, I realized that he was right, and that deep down inside, I knew he was right (at least for me) before I told him that I wanted to stop taking the medication. So why then was this even an issue for me? Because without realizing it, I'd fallen back into the same stigma trap that frustrates me so much when others do it. In my mind, there was something inherently "weak" about resigning myself to a potentially lifelong "maintenance dose" of medication to ease the symptoms of depression and insomnia that I've lived with for years. Rather than being elated that I'd finally found something that works, my natural reaction was to downplay the significance of this blessing.

I have very high cholesterol, and so does practically every woman on my mother's side of the family. I didn't think twice when my doctor reminded me of the long-term health risks of high cholesterol levels and suggested that since diet and exercise weren't doing enough, that I needed to be on cholesterol-lowering medication. Yet when my doctor reminded me of the long-term health risks of depression and insomnia (not to mention the existing symptoms of which I am very well aware), and suggested that since thinking my way through it or pretending that it wasn't a problem weren't doing enough, that I needed to be on an antidepressant, I had difficulty with that. How are the situations different? They aren't. This is why I hate the term "mental illness". In addition to the fact that I simply don't think it applies to me, that term makes it too easy for me and for others to forget that there is no fundamental difference between treating the biochemical imbalances in my brain and treating the imbalances in other bodily organs that cause me to have high cholesterol, low blood sugar or fibromyalgia.

So, today was my last day of no medications, signalling the end-end of the clinical trial. And tomorrow morning, I start taking Effexor again, and finally tomorrow night I'll start taking Lunesta too (I can't wait to see those butterflies). Of course I'm looking forward to losing those pesky 4 lbs again, but more importantly, I'm looking forward to knowing that I'm taking control of my pain management in a way that works for me.

Life lessons I learned from my dog

2008-01-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

Every now and then someone sends me one of those e-mails with Frequent Flyer miles that really resonates with me. Today, one came that was so beautiful that I feel compelled to share it it.

All my life I've been a cat-person, but for one brief period, when I needed her the most, God brought a beautiful shepherd-collie-chow into my life. I adopted her from the local animual rescue league, so according to conventional wisdom, most would say that I saved her life, but Gracie and I know that in truth, she saved mine. Gracie loved me unconditionally whether I was having a good day or a bad one. She could sense how I was feeling and always knew what to do. She protected me with her life and she trusted me with hers. We were a pretty formidable team, Gracie and I, and although our time together was short, she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Here's the part of today's e-mail that rang so true for me:

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of freshair and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak gently.

Thank you, Gracie.

Less is more

2008-01-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot today about the phrase "Less is more." It's a simple phrase, but there's a lot packed into those three little words. Now that I'm focusing on simplifying my life, I'm beginning to see how the theory is relevant in so many ways.

From a purely practical point, I'm discovering that the less clutter I have in my home, the more time and energy I have to enjoy other things. The less time I spend watching television or playing online games, the more time I have to do things that are truly relaxing and uplifting to me, like blogging, reading, listening to music and knitting. The less "stuff" I have on my mind, the more I'm able to enjoy each day. The less I talk, the more I listen, and the more I listen, the more I learn.

These are all pretty obvious things, but the theory applies in more subtle ways that seem to defy the laws common thought too. For example, the less I *plan* to do on the weekends, the more I'm able to get done. When I resist my natural temptation to create a to-do-list on Saturday mornings with 50 things I *need* to get done before the weekend is over, I never get anywhere near close to completing the list and I'm always exhausted and frustrated by Sunday night. Yet, when I force myself to slow down, focus on those few things that I truly need/want to do that weekend, and plan for down time, it's as if the weekend passes in slow-motion. Not only do I get everything done that I needed to, but I feel well-rested and ready to tackle another week at work by the time the weekend is over.

And then there's the spiritual law of tithing that never ceases to amaze me. The less I try to cling to every penny, and joyfully give tithes and offerings, the more money I seem to have. I used to live from pay check to pay check - literally. I'm making a lot less now than I have in the past, yet now because I'm willing to give more freely of the little I have (responsibly, of course), the always seems to be more than enough in my bank account. I can't begin to explain it, but I can't explain how the Internet works either, but there's no doubt that it does.

So, I think the lesson is simply to let go and let God. It's a shame it took me so long to figure that out, but now that I know, there's no going back to the way life was before.

The politics of hope

2008-01-04T06:25:00.000-05:00

I know this is going to sound corny, but I was so excited about what happened in the Iowa caucuses last night that I couldn't sleep. And here I am this morning, still riding the wave of optimism that appears to be taking hold across this country.

I am proud to be a supporter of Mike Huckabee, and as my family, friends and co-workers know all too well, I've been supporting him since last spring when none of them even knew who he was. As an African-American, converted Republican who hails from a long line of die-hard Democrats, my early support of Huckabee was considered by many who know me as yet another example of my being out in left (or in this case, right) field, bucking conventional wisdom, marching to a totally different drummer, and perhaps being just plain rebellious. Yet I've been pleasantly surprised by how many of those nay-sayers actually started listening, first to me, and then to Mike Huckabee, and have begun to see what I saw.

Now, I must also be honest and admit that while I could not in good conscious vote for Obama because he is African-American (or Hillary because she's a woman), and while my values are much more closely aligned with conservative Republican values, I was almost as delighted about Obama's win in Iowa last night as I was for Huckabee. I'm excited that last night sent a message around the country, and around the world perhaps, that integrity and values trump money and "establishment". Honor and character trump pandering to the audience and telling them what they want to hear, even if it's different from what the last group was told. And that as a country, we may finally be ready to move beyond the trappings of race. The pundits can pontificate and speculate until the cows come home, but at the end of the day, it's not what they say that truly matters, as last night's election results proved.

But to me, what happened last night hits home on a personal level as well. The startling, against all odds, "they said it couldn't be done" results last night provide an important lesson to each of us on a much more personal level. So many people living with depression and/or bipolar disorder are told constantly, by well meaning but often misinformed people (including many in the medical community), that this diagnosis is a death sentence of sorts. It symbolizes the death of dreams, of hopes, of possibilities. Both directly and by implication, we are seduced into focusing on all that we supposedly can not do, rather than encouraged to focus on all that we can be. We're told to set "realistic" expectations, settle for less than we dare to dream for and to focus on simply making it through the day - one day at a time. We are constantly reminded of all of the negatives of bipolar/depression, but rarely about the positives.

Well, I'm here to tell you that's a load of BS. Is it easy to live with moods that sometimes take us places we don't want to go? Of course not. Is it comforting to know that we may have to rely on medication to help smooth out the rough edges, maybe even for the rest of our lives? Absolutely not. But if given the choice, who among us would really chose to give up our ability to "feel" life so intensely, to see the world in all of its brilliant technicolors, to intuit things on a level that not many "normal" people can? I certainly wouldn't. So, the choice is ours. We can chose to limit ourselves by allowing others to limit us, or we can take a page from Mike Huckabee's and Barack Obama's playbooks and decide that what we're put here to do is more important than what anybody else tells us we can't do.

History, both past and recent, is full of examples of people who have overcome tremendous odds, many that are much more challenging than ours, to achieve incredible things. Do you doubt that? Search the Internet and read about incredible artists who are blind, or who hold their paintbrushes with their teeth or their feet because they have no arms, or about athletes who complete entire marthons on crutches. Read about children who are born so severely disabled that they were never expected to read or write, yet who're graduating from college. Learn more about the Special Olympics. If you do, I bet you'll start to realize that life is too short, there's way too much to see and do, to waste time at the pity party.

It's time for us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and believing the lies about what we can and cannot do. It's time to prove the pundits wrong. It's time to figure out why we're here, what our purpose in life is, what gifts we have to offer, what it is we're meant to do, and then, in the words of that simple yet profoundly powerful Nike ad... JUST DO IT!

Rethinking simple abundance

2008-01-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

Living a life of simple abundance is one of my major goals for this year. Interestingly, as I was thinking about what I wanted to write about the concept today, I remembered a post I'd written a while ago on simple abundance at another blog. Imagine my surprise when I found that post and realized it was published exactly one year ago today! How's that for synchronicity?

Dictionary.com defines these two words as follows:

simple: not elaborate or artificial; unassuming; not complicated or complex.

abundance: an extremely plentiful or oversufficient quantity or supply; an overflowing fullness; wealth.

Sarah Ban Breathnacht, author of one of my favorite books, Simple Abundance, defines simple abundance as "an inner journey, a spiritual and practical course in creative living, a tapestry of contentment." That simple definition contains so much insight. It's an inner journey, meaning that it is ours and ours alone, a journey of our choosing, it comes from within us and is not predicated on external events. We can embark on this inner journey regardless of our external circumstances. We don't need to wait until the bills are paid, the kids are grown, we get married (or divorced), we get that new job. We can embark on this journey NOW.

It's both spiritual and practical. It's interesting that both words are included here. So often people focus on spirituality, but they forget that it's faith and love in action that matters. We're talking about a lifestyle, not a concept here.

I love the word creative. As a self-proclained artist (in the very broadest sense of the word), anything that involves creativity definitely has my attention. But what's great about that word in this context is that not only does it inspire me to live my dream of filling my life and home with "art", made by me and by others, but it also reminds me that God and I together are the artists of my life as well. God has given me the opportunity, the resources, and the desire to create a life that is pleasing both to Him and to me.

Here's what Sarah has to say about Simple Abundance:

At the heart of Simple Abundance is an authentic awakening, one that resonates within your soul; you already possess all you need to be genuinely happy. The way you reach that awareness is through an inner journey that brings about an emotional, psychological, and spiritual transformation. A deep inner shift in your reality occurs, aligning you with the creative energy of the Universe. Such change is possible when you invite Spirit to open up the eyes of your awareness to the abundance that is already yours.

... [There are] six threads of abundant living which, when woven together, produce a tapestry of contentment that wraps us in inner peace, well-being, happiness, and a sense of security. First there is gratitude. When we do a mental and spiritual inventory of all that we have, we realize that we are very rich indeed. Gratitude gives way to simplicity - the desire to clear out, pare down, and realize the essentials of what we need to live truly well. Simplicity brings with it order, both internally and externally. A sense of order in our life brings us harmony. Harmony provides us with the inner peace we need to appreicate the beauty that surrounds us each day, and beauty opens us to joy. But just as with any beautiful needlepoint tapestry, it is difficult to see where one stitch ends and another begins. So it is with Simple Abundance.

Pick up the needle with me and make the first stitch on the canvas of your life. Invite Spirit to open up the eyes of your inner awareness. Be still and wait expectantly, knowing that in the warp and woof of your daily life as it exists today are the golden threads of a simply abundant tomorrow.

Yesterday provided a great example of what simple abundance means to me on a practical level. I went to see a new doctor for a long-overdue eye exam. I'd put off the appointment for so long because in addition to paying for the exam, I expected to have to order new contact lenses and spend a few hundred dollars for new glasses. As it turned out, things turned out quite differently:

the doctor discovered that I really didn't need the expensive, special-order daily-wear contacts that I'd been wearing for astigmatisms, so instead she prescribed "regular" extended wear contact lenses which are much less expensive, and commonly stocked in stores that sell lenses. Instead of having to wait a week to 10 days to get my new contacts, she was able to give me a pair on the spot (included in the cost of the eye exam).

instead of having to change contacts every two weeks, I can wear the new lenses for 30 days before changing to a new pair, effectively doubling the length of time that a box of 6 lenses will last.

since I can now sleep in the new lenses, the doctor reminded me that there was no need to purchase a new pair of (very expensive) glasses to wear when I take my contact lenses out.

because I technically need progressive bifocal lenses but am not ready to do that with lenses, I sometimes wear reading glasses over my contacts if the text is small. The last time an eye doctor prescrived "reading glasses", they cost me over $100. This doctor, bless her heart, told me that there was no need to pay for prescription reading glasses, that instead I could get a pair of readers from Wal-Mart, or better still, from the Dollar Store!

I had 2 extra boxes of the old special-order contact lenses that I'd purchased a few months ago from Wal-Mart. When I got home, I called and explained the situation and although I know that I was well beyond the exchange period, the optical dept manager told me that she was exchange the special-order lenses that I'd already purchased, and exchange them for the newer, less expensive lenses - that are on sale - meaning that I'll probably be able to get an extra box or two. As a result, I'll have the first 6+ months worth of lenses without spending another dime. And, after that, my new insurance will pay for the next set of lenses that I've had to purchase out of pocket for the last several years.

If I were narrowly focused on abundance as a measure of the amount of money I earn, the beauty of yesterday's trip to the eye doctor would have been lost. I don't have any more money in my pocket tonight than I had the night before last, but that doctor's visit saved me hundreds of dollars. Now, THAT'S something to be grateful for!

I challenge you to expand your definition of abundance. If you do, I'm certain that you'll realize that you are much more richly blessed than you realized.

Thoughts for the New Year

2008-01-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

It's another New Year - a time of new opportunities and new possibilities... a time when many of us are pledging to ourselves, and perhaps even to others, that we're going to let go of unhealthy habits and replace them with more positive and uplifting ones. I go through this process each year, some with more successful results than others. But this morning, I saw something in the newspaper that crystallized the idea of New Year's resolutions brilliantly for me.

This is apparently a frequently reprinted post from Dear Abby that I'm guessing appeared in syndicated papers across the country today. But just in case you missed it, here it is:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And so, Dear Readers, may this New Year bring with it peace and joy. — LOVE, ABBY

I'm printing a copy of this for my refrigerator and another copy for my planner. If I can do these things just one day at a time, I know that this is going to be an awesome year!

More on the year in review

2008-01-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

As I often do on New Year's Eve, I spent the early part of last night reflecting on 2007. All in all, it was a fruitful year and I have much to be thankful for. Here's my list of the top 10 accomplishments and the top 10 things for which I'm grateful for in 2007 (in no particular order):

2007 Accomplishments

I learned to dance salsa.
I found a new job in a different field and have met lots of new people and gained new skills.
I got health insurance and took care of some long-standing medical issues.
I've become more self-accepting and self-nurturing and am well on my way to forgiving myself for my past.
I decorated my home in a way that reflects who I am.
I've let go of a lot of material possessions that no longer suit the person I am now.
I ended a relationship with as much class and grace as I started it.
I started this blog and have found that writing is very therapeutic for me.
I've donated generously to churches and charities, even though my income is less than it has been in recent years.
I purchased a digital camera and have started exploring photography.

Things for which I am grateful:

My friendship with Susan.
Reconnecting with old friends who refused to give up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself.
A job that pays a decent salary and medical benefits and that on many days is actually fun.
My daughter is safe in Iraq.
I've finally learned to enjoy my own company.
I haven't had to go without anything that I needed, and was even able to get many of the things I wanted.
I've learned to be happy with what I have.
That I've finally learned some painful life lessons and can now move on instead of repeating the same cycle over and over again.
That I'm physically and emotionally healthy.
That I've met a wonderful man that I'm enjoying spending time with in the moment, without being overly obsessed or committed to a specific outcome.

The year in review

2007-12-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a year. If I were to liken this past year to an amusement park ride, I'd have to say it was a roller coaster. To be honest, the past several years have been like a never-ending roller coaster ride. The problem is that I don't like roller coasters. I'm afraid of heights and I don't like getting jerked around, especially to the sound of people screaming. But if I can stick with the amusement park analogy just a bit longer, I must admit that when things looked the scariest, I was able to catch a glimpse of a water ride that looked much more appealing. So, I decided right then and there that it was time to get off this ride and move on to another one that was much more to my liking.

However, before moving on, I think it's helpful to look back on lessons learned this year. This exercise reinforces the fact that those lessons that were so painfully learned only have value if I apply the knowledge moving forward. It also reminds me of how far I've come, because of the challenges, not in spite of them.

So, I've selected what I consider to be my most significant post of each month in 2007 as a whirlwind review of the year that was.

April: In Triggers I made my first attempt to identify the events that lead to depression or hypomania for me. It was a painful exercise, but a very important one, both in terms of understanding my past and preparing for my future.

May: One of my most frequently viewed posts so far has been Things NOT to say when someone is depressed. I was angry and frustrated when I wrote it, but it just goes to prove that even our negative experiences have value when we're willing to share them.

I wrote one of my favorite posts in May, Salsa Therapy (part 1), in which I discussed why learning to dance salsa is one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

June: In June I wrote a 2-part post on my journey towards forgiveness (part 1) (part 2) in which I shared what I've learned during this painful but crucial path towards healing.

July: The receipt of a beautiful gift from one of my dearest friends, Susan, prompted me to write about the art of gifting.

August: I had an epiphany about relationships this summer, which prompted me to write The power of perspective. If I could remember just one thing I learned about relationships in 2007, this would be it.

September: In September I started exploring the possible connection between bipolar disorder and Myers-Brigg temperment and found the information to be very enlightening. I'm an INFJ, which represents only 1% of the population and the more I read about my temperment the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. I want to explore this connection more in the coming year, but I think "I" is for Introvert" was a good start.

October: In October I hired a team of professional organizers to completely reinvent my home office. The intention was a makeover of one room, but the reality was a makeover of my entire home and much more. I wrote about the process in a series of three posts, ending with Afterthoughts on personal organizing.

November: One of the most powerful and profound gifts we can give ourselves (and others) is an attitude of gratitude. In Gratitude and wellness I wrote about the spiritual, emotional and physical benefits of living a life full of gratitude.

December: I started a theme that I want to focus on a lot more in 2008 - pay it forward. In Random Acts of Kindness I set the stage for a challenge that I'm setting for myself and visitors to my blog in the coming year.

I'm so glad to see that this blog has evolved in the 8 months since I started. I've gone from being frightened, confused and depressed about being depressed to accepting the fact that my moods are simply another part of who I am. They don't make me a bad person, or a weak one. There is nothing to be gained by assigning judgments to feeling depressed or hypomanic or lonely or afraid. Instead, there is power in accepting the person that I am, loving her unconditionally, identifying the areas in which I want to grow and evolve, and focusing my energies there.

While I have and will continue to write about various aspects of depression and bipolar disorder as the mood strikes me, I will also continue to expand the focus of the blog, as it is a mirror of my life. Now that I am no longer focused with laser-like vision on the mistakes of my past and their resulting limitations on my life, I am finally free to explore this new and exciting second half of my life with optimism and enthusiasm. While I do not expect a lifetime of wine and roses, I do believe in the depths of my soul that the worst is behind me and that I have all the tools and resources I need to live a life of love, beauty and bliss. I intend to make 2008 my very best year yet. I wish the same for you.

Frugality, simplicity and creativity: Pulling it all together

2007-12-26T20:06:00.000-05:00

I want to save money - a lot of it. I've decided that I want to travel and I want to build a dream home. I also want to live a simple life, yet one that is full of love and beauty. It may sound like I'm asking for a lot, but I've finally realized that these three core life values are all interconnected. And I believe that acknowledgement of the synergies between frugality, simplicity and creativity makes achieving them possible in ways that can be delightfully productive.

So, beginning in 2008, I plan to challenge myself to commit more fully to a path that I started on in 2007. I've already downsized into a (temporary) home that I enjoy, I've purged a lot of extraneous clutter from my home and from my head, I've identified triggers that make me sick and self-care strategies that help me feel well. Now it's time to get serious about creating the financial resources I need to meet these two life goals (travel and a home), but to do it in ways that still allow me to live a fulfilling life now.

Over the past few weeks I've been developing a list of creative things I can do that support my future goals while preserving my current lifestyle. The key is to focus on strategies that combine 2 or 3 of my core values. Here's my list (F=frugality, S=simplicity, and C=creativity):

Cut back on unnecessary spending by staying focused on my short- and long-term goals and prioritizing non-essential purchases. (F/S)

Drink more water - spend less on sodas and coffee drinks. (F/S)

Get my coupons organized and start using them regularly. (F)

Research and then make bulk purchases from discount retailers on frequently-used items (i.e., coffee pods for coffee maker). (F/S)

Scour the paper for coupons and sales and organize them efficiently - keep them in the car so I'll have them when I need them. (F)

When buying clothes, focus on high-quality, timeless fashions in solid colors a basic color palette so that I can mix-and-match items. (F/S/C)

Pick a standard collection of make-up and skin care products - only use those. (F/S)

Use aromatherapy essential oils for home fragrance instead of candles, sprays, air fresheners. (F/S/C)

When it's cheaper to make an item of clothing or household item, sew it instead of buying it - and get exactly the look I want (F/C)

Stop buying new books - read the books I already have, use the internet, go to the library, and/or borrow books with friends. (F)

Only use the dry cleaners for special items, otherwise use the $1.99 cleaners or DIY dry cleaning sheets. (F)

When buying clothes, try consignment shops first, but only buy items that are truly a good value. (F/C)

Be more conscious of planning meals around left-overs. (F/C)

Send more free e-cards and less printed cards by mail. (F)

Buy blank card stock and envelopes at the craft store and make my own cards when needed. (F/C)

Use store brands if they are of sufficient quality at a better price than name brands. (F)

Combine errands to use less gas (and to save time). (F/S)

Be more creative in gifting - make gifts or offer services instead (F/C).

Walk and dance instead of joining a health club or buying expensive exercise equipment and/or DVDs. (F/S)

Use NetFlix subscription instead of going out to the movies - get my money's worth each month. (F/S)

Scour the paper and the Internet, and talk to friends, about free or low-cost activities around town. (F/C)

Utilize existing cookbooks or recipe websites to try to foods at home instead of going out to expensive restuarants. (F/S/C)

Grow my own fresh herbs at home. (F/S/C)

Take my own photographs and/or find photographs online to print and frame. (F/C)

Use my budget/financial planning software faithfully, set up special categories for travel fund and dream house fund. (F/S)

Get my books written, published and marketed as a source of additional revenue. (F/C)

Purchase as much as possible from the Dollar Store, make it a scavenger hunt for great bargains. (F/S/C)

Pack lunch for work at least 3 days each week - keep it simple. (F/S)

Find out what savings and other benefits are available through AAA and other discount programs I belong to and use them whenever possible. (F/S/C)

Plan dates and weekend activities around free or low-cost activities. (F/S/C)

Don't buy anything that I don't absolutely need and/or love. (F/S/C)

Keep my home organized, with a place for everything and everything in it's place to avoid purchasing things that I don't need because I can't find them. (F/S)

Listen to cable radio or Internet radio instead of buying new CDs. (F/S)

Use a list when I go shopping and try not to buy anything that's not on it. (F/S)

Plan a weekly menu (incorporating new recipes) and try to stick with it. (F/S/C)

Create a personalized cookbook of easy and inexpensive recipes that I can prepare on short notice with standard pantry items (stock up during specials). (F/S/C)

Eat more veggies and less meat. (F/S/C)

Double recipes and freeze for later. (F/S)

Keep track of the number of days I can go in a row without spending any money - make it a game. (F/S)

Pay bills before they're do to avoid late fees. (F/S)

The Hope of Christmas Present

2007-12-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

This will be the first Christmas in 18 years that I'll be spending without my daughter (who'll be spending Christmas on a military base in Iraq). I still remember our first Christmas in 1989. She was just over a year old on our first Christmas, had been with me since April of that year, and her adoption had just become finalized. Of course, I didn't need or want anything else for Christmas that year. I'd gotten the best Christmas present ever.

So much has happened since then. There have been wonderful memories and tragedies as well, goals accomplished and dreams deferred. The path from there to here has been circuitous, to say the least. It's been mostly an uphill struggle, but there have been bright spots in which to rest and regroup along the way. There were dark days, many of them, in which I seriously questioned whether it was all worth the effort. I finally know that the answer to that question is a resounding "Yes."

I don't have a Christmas tree this year. In fact, I haven't put up a single decoration. I'm not wrapping many presents this year, and I don't expect to unwrap many either. But it doesn't matter, because I understand the true meaning of the season, and it can't be found in a box or bought with a gift card. It doesn't cost a thing, and yet it's priceless. It can't be broken, doesn't need batteries, and is guaranteed to fit. God's love offers us peace, joy, comfort, strength, guidance and perhaps most importantly to me at this point in my life... hope.

I'm wishing you a joyous and joy-full Holiday season too, and may all your Christmas wishes come true.

Life as a paradox

2007-12-15T12:45:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me the other day why I named this blog "Bipolarity." It was an interesting question which I don't think I've ever covered here. And since the focus of my writing has evolved and the name is perhaps even more relevant as a result, I thought I'd share my answer.

I started writing after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, atypical bipolar II to be exact, although nothing about my medical history has ever been exact, including this diagnosis. However, every name I could think of that had "bipolar" in it was already taken, so I chose "bipolarity."

My early posts dealt almost exclusively with my thoughts and fears about the diagnosis, about my prognosis, and about re-evaluating former events and relationships through the new lens of knowledge provided by my new diagnosis. As the depression lifted and I started to write about other things, I realized that there was more to my choice of a name for this blog than I'd orginally thought.

Dictionary.com defines bipolarity as "having two opposite or contradictory ideas or natures." I don't have two contradictory natures, but I do often have the ability to see both sides of a situation, and often find myself embracing a point of view and/or a choice of action that is the polar opposite of what most would do under similar circumstances. From an intellectual standpoint, this often makes my life interesting, but socially, it often leaves me feeling emotionally isolated, wondering where are the other people in the world who view the world as I do.

In "The Invitation," Oriah Mountain Dreamer writes that "beneath the small daily trials are harder paradoxes, things the mind cannot reconcile but the heart must hold if we are to live fully: profound tiredness and radical hope; shattered beliefs and relentless faith; the seemingly contradictory longings for personal freedom and a deep commitment to others, for solitude and intimacy, for the ability to simply be with the world and the need to change what we know is not right about how we are living." I think she lives a life of "bipolarity"too.

Random Acts of Kindness

2007-12-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

A favorite movie of mine is Pay It Forward. I love the idea of random acts of kindness and I try to do something nice, say something nice, or go the extra mile with the customers and guests that I meet each day. But to be honest, when I do these things on a daily basis, I don't really think of them as random acts of kindness. I think of them as treating people the way my parents taught me to, so I do these things without giving them the conscious attention that they probably deserve.

I was reminded of this today when I read a post about faith in humanity and restoring kindness at one of my new favorite blogs, ZenHabits. I started to think of what I might have done recently that I would truly consider a RAK and there wasn't much. But I did remember that last week an elderly woman using a walker was leaving the building, having just left bankruptcy court. She asked me if I could call a cab for her. When I asked her where she needed to go, she said that she needed the cab to drive her about 4 blocks away to where her car was parked. My heart went out to her immediately. I thought it was so sad that she had to pay a cab to drive her 4 blocks - not to mention the fact that in the time it would take a cab to get there in our town, she could have walked herself with her walker faster. Without giving it another thought, I told her that if she felt comfortable with it, I'd be happy to drive her to her car in my own.

She couldn't stop thanking me during our entire ride. She seemed to surprised and overwhelmed that a stranger would do this for her. She kept saying that she realized that I'd left my job to do this for her and she just couldn't believe it. Of course I didn't mention that if my boss found out, she'd probably fire me on the spot! I just kept thinking that although my grandmother is deceased, I would hope that someone would have done the same for her had she been in that position. As she was getting out of the car, she said a prayer that God would bless me for the kindness I'd shown her that day. She thinks that I made her day, but in truth, she made mine.

I've decided to accept Leo's challenge and make a more conscious effort to pay it forward. Of course I plan to continue to do the things I would normally do, but I want to do more. It's like the difference between "tithes" and "offerings". I believe that tithing is what's expected of me, while offerings are anything above and beyond my tithes.

And I'm not the only one who's caught the fire that Leo is spreading. Susan wrote about her thoughts on Leo's post today as well. And, if you're really serious about this, check out the Random Acts of Kindess website.

I'm going to start thinking about some simple "pay it forward" ideas that I could do. When I come up with a list, I'll post it here.

Where do the Presidential candidates stand on health care?

2007-11-30T09:42:00.001-05:00

No, this is not a political blog and I have no plans to make it one. In fact, I regularly resist the urge to comment on anything political. However, anyone who thinks that the 2008 Presidential election doesn't matter is mistaken. There are a number of serious issues which threaten the security and stability of this country - the war on terror, immigration, the economy and trade issues, education, crime, the deficit, Social Security, the list goes on...

But if you're reading this blog and you don't care about a single one of those issues, you *should* care about health insurance, and particularly mental health parity. If you live with bipolar disorder, depression, or a host of other illnesses categorized as "mental illness", you need to be very considered about what the next President intends to do (or not do) to address one of the biggest hurdles to receiving the compassionate and effective treatment we need.

Over the coming year, I plan to watch this issue closely as the campaign unfolds, and I intend to blog about what I learn during the process. For starters, I'd recommend health08.org. According to their website, "health08.org is part of a broad effort by the Kaiser Family Foundation to provide a central hub for resources and information about health policy issues in the 2008 election. The site -- operated by Kaiser staff -- provides analysis of policy issues, regular public opinion surveys, daily news updates, video of speeches and debates from the campaign trail, original interviews and resources for journalists covering the election." In particular, the site offers a very informative side-by-side analysis of the stated health care and insurance policies of each of the candidates. Now, if only I could find a similar analysis specifically geared towards mental health care policies. But I'll keep looking.

More advice for supporting someone with bipolar disorder

2007-11-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

Two of my most popular posts to date have been Things NOT to say when someone is depressed and Things you can do to support someone who is depressed. This is encouraging because it affirms that there are caring family members and friends who want to help, but sometimes they just don't know how.

Danielle at The Bipolar Diaries has just posted some important and practical suggestions. Please visit her blog to learn more.

Bipolar Children: Problem practitioners or poor parenting?

2007-11-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I remember being in high school and thinking what a waste all those boring classes were. I suspected then that I'd never have a practical application for the abbreviations on the Periodic Table, the procedure for dissecting a frog, or anything I learned in calculus or trigonometry. But one skill that has been invaluable is the critical thinking skills I learned during my time on my high school debate team.

I normally have an opinion on any issue that I care about (and many that I don't - just for the sake of conversation). Yet despite my usual ability to choose a position, I also pride myself on being able to make thoughtful and persuasive arguments on either side of an issue. Whether resulting from logical analysis or a deeply ingrained sense of empathy, I can usually walk a proverbial mile in the other person's shoes, even if I chose not to wear them for long.

But at the urging of Danielle at The Biopolar Diaries, I'm faced with a question that I'm really not sure how I'd answer. Danielle recently linked to an op-ed piece about the alarming rise in diagnoses of bipolar disorder among young children in recent years. I've seen the headlines on this story, but to be honest, I didn't pay much attention until reading this essay written by child and adolescent psychiatrist and author, Dr. Elizabeth J. Roberts, who postulates that at the urging of parents, doctors are medicating too many children who, according to Dr. Roberts, simply suffer from the results of poor parenting.

This is an incredibly controversial issue, and I honestly don't know where I come out on this one.

The argument for problem practitioners. It took nearly 20 years for me to get a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (atypical bipolar II, and I don't fit neatly into that label either). I've read many times that this is about the average amount of time it takes for an adult to get an accurate diagnosis. Despite the fact that I'm well-educated, articulate about describing my symptoms and very proactive about my health care, obtaining a diagnoses was an incredibly difficult, frustrating and time-consuming process.

It's no secret that women, in particular, deal with a unique set of diagnostic issues. Many "invisible" diseases like fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, leaky gut, severe premenstrual syndrome, migraines and others are misdiagnosed because doctors have been so ready to dismiss any systems that couldn't be confirmed with blood tests or X-rays as being "all in her mind." I'm convinced that there are way too many women who have been routinely prescribed antidepressants when their symptoms were in fact caused by something else entirely.

So, given the difficulty that adults have with obtaining diagnoses, it should come as no surprise that children, who are likely to be much less articulate about their feelings, moods and symptoms could frequently be misdiagnosed as well.

Having also been misdiagnosed with systemic lupus, a potentially life-threatening disease, cancer, arthritis, and countless other things throughout my life, I also know that doctors can be very quick to come up with an explanation for what ails us, even if it's the wrong one, because for some doctors, any answer is preferable to admitting the unthinkable, that they simply don't know. Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful, thoughtful, caring and concerned doctors out there, but sadly, I find them to be more of the exception than the rule these days.

Then of course there are the pressures of managed health care, limitations and restrictions from health insurance companies concerning the tests and treatments that can be provided to patients, and the pressure from parents to figure out what's wrong with their child and "fix it". Given all these factors, and many others I'm sure, it's no wonder that doctors are increasingly turning to catch-all diagnoses to cover a multitude of behaviors. I believe that bipolar disorder is the new ADD/ADHD for "problem" children.

The argument for poor parenting. Here's where I expect to step on quite a few toes. It only takes a visit to the local Wal-Mart or heaven forbid, the toy store at this time of year, to see the difference in parenting styles today. I've complained for years that I think parents of today (generally) are much too permissive, distracted and/or politically correct. In some cases, thanks to fertility advances and women wanting to establish their careers before having children, parents are older and are so thankful to finally have children that they let them get away with more. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, babies are having babies - another prescription for disaster.

When I was a young child in the 60's, parents only needed to give their children "the look" to instill the fear of a spanking when they got home if they didn't stop whatever they were doing right then and there. And except for the most tough-skinned, the look almost always worked. Today, parents threaten Johnny or Emily with a time-out, an empty threat that they usually don't follow through with anyway because it might hurt the child's self-esteem. When I was a child, if I did anything wrong while playing in the neighborhood, one of the "nosey neighbors" would have already called my parents before I made it home, and that's after they gave me a tongue-lashing to set the stage for what was sure to come from my parents. Today, a neighbor, teacher or another parent who attempts to offer such reprimands is often threatened with a lawsuit or worse.

Add to that the violence, promiscuity and profanity that children are exposed to at younger and younger ages through television, the internet, and simply listening to their parents and friends, and again, you have the perfect storm for bad behavior. Is it any wonder that our society is spiraling so out of control?

So what's the answer? I doubt that anyone knows for sure, but I'm guessing that the truth lies somewhere in the middle, meaning that both doctors and parents looking for easy answers are at least partially at fault. How's that for an answer worthy of one of the 2008 Presidential candidates.

Loneliness hurts

2007-11-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

I had an epiphany today. I finally realized why I've been feeling so out of sorts for the last few weeks and that realization hurts more than not knowing did. I'm feeling a sense of utter loneliness and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Yes, I have friends, but most of my closest friends live too far away to be able to visit. Yes, I have hobbies and interests (both old and new) that occupy a lot of my time. Yes, I'm gainfully employed and interact with colleagues and clients every day. Yes, thankfully, my mother is alive and well and lives nearby so we talk almost every day. Yes, I enjoy solititude, at times, and I enjoy my own company (although I haven't always). How, then, could I possibly feel lonely?

Today it occurred to me that this is the first time in over 18 years that I've lived alone. It is also the first time in a very long time that I actually have the energy and the desire to engage in a meaningful social life. I don't want sex (although I certainly wouldn't complain if the circumstances were right). Romance would be nice, but that's not critical either. I don't need financial or emotional support the way I once did.

What I want is companionship, a sense of connection and emotional intimacy. I want to go to a great movie and then talk about it for hours over dinner. I want to cook a great meal, knowing that someone is there to share it with me - sharing the cooking over a bottle of wine would be even better. I want to listen to jazz, and maybe even dance, at a dimly lit jazz club. I want to play Scrabble late into the night, with someone who can actually beat me some of the time. I want to share my thoughts, my dreams and my fears with someone who'll listen with open ears and an open heart. I want to give of myself to someone who'll appreciate my efforts and not take me for granted. I want to have plans to look forward to next weekend or next month. I want to make memories.

Can't I go to a movie, cook a good meal, listen to great music, e-mail my friends, or play Scrabble on my computer by myself? Of course I can. I can also knit, read, take pictures, blog, surf the net and work on one of the many book projects that I have planned. And I do. Some days I'm perfectly fine with that, particularly when I was too depressed and too tired to entertain the thought of having someone else around. But thankfully, I'm not in that place anymore. I'm healthy, independent, self-sufficient and self-confident. But I'm also lonely as hell. It's as if I'm all dressed up, with nowhere to go. I think Vincent van Gogh summed it up when he said that "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it."

More on gratitude

2007-11-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

I'm encouraged to see that others in the blogosphere are using this time of year to write about gratitude and how it impacts their lives. Today I thought I'd post links to some of the recent posts on gratitude that I found particularly interesting.

Millionaire Mommy Next Door writes that "I've witnessed that by focusing my thoughts on the happy things, rather than those that sadden me or stress me out, I attract more positive circumstances and contentment to my life. This simple act of gratitude literally transforms my experiences."

Andrew reminded me gratitude is about more than feeling grateful when he wrote that "Gratitude, I think, is more than just an expression of thanks - gratitude ought to be expressed in our lives - in the way we speak to, relate to, respond to, etc., our benefactors."

This is something that Susan already knows. She lost her mother a few weeks ago after an extended illness. It's been so inspirational to read not only about how she struggled with the health care system to give her mother the best possible care, and how she tirelessly did all she could to show her mother how much she loved her and was grateful for the live she'd been given up until the very end.

At Zen Habits, there are several reasons why living a life of gratitude can make you happy, as well as a great poem on gratitude.

I'm grateful

2007-11-23T07:29:00.000-05:00

This Thanksgiving has been one of firsts...the first spent without my daughter who spent her first Thanksgiving on an Air Force base in Iraq... the first with a diagnosis of bipolar and all of the accompanying changes that has brought... the first at a restaurant instead of my own or a family member's home.

I think it's fair to say that the past year has been one of the most difficult, and yet one of the most personally rewarding years I've ever had. For every challenge or disappointment, there has been a corresponding blessing, perhaps not one that is easily recognized, but an important one nonetheless.

My financial situation has not improved significantly, but it's been stable and I know have health insurance. I've suffered the loss of relationships that were important to me, but I've developed new relationships that I'm certain will be life-long ones. My first book still hasn't been published yet, but it's closer than ever and it's better because of the delays. I had to walk away from the demands of my knitting ministry for a while because the emotional toll had become unbearable, but I've found ways to work smarter so that I can help others without losing myself in the process and look forward to a great year of outreach in 2008. I rebounded from my biggest bout of hypomania last year to one of the darkest bouts of depression, but also found a great healthcare team and a medical and self-care regimen that's working. I learned to dance salsa, a long-time goal. I've picked up photography as a new hobby that I love, I had my home re-organized by professional organizers and 2 months later, it still looks neat and clutter-free. All things considered, it's been a great year and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Here's my Top 10 (in no particular order):

1. I'm healthier, both physically and emotionally, than I've been in years, and I have a great health care policy. Although I have a lot of "issues" with my current employer, I'm thankful that she pays 100% of my health care insurance premiums.

2. My daughter is safe and as well-adjusted as can be expected, given that she's in Iraq. She enjoys being in the military and she's grown tremendously during the time she's been serving.

3. For the first time ever, I have the equivalent of 3 months salary in readily-available savings and I'm using a budget and financial planning system that has totally revolutionized my relationship with money.

4. My first book is about to be published and I've already started on the second. In fact, my dreams of owning a small publishing company are closer than ever to coming to fruition.

5. My home reflects my personality and I enjoy the time I spend here.

6. I've learned to set boundaries in my relationships with others in order to take care of myself and my needs.

7. I've made some wonderful new friends.

8. I've learned that I don't have to be "busy" all the time. I've finally figured out that it's ok to read, watch tv, play, goof off, or simply do "nothing", without feeling guilty. I'm finally taking care of myself.

9. I finally understand that honesty and authenticity is not only OK, but it's vital, to emotional well-being. The world is not going to end if someone doesn't like me because I was honest, and even if they do, I like myself even more.

10. We haven't had another 9/11 experience.

Gratitude and wellness

2007-11-22T07:08:00.000-05:00

Research studies are finding evidence that an attitude of gratitude is an important component of any successful wellness program. Dictionary.com defines gratitude as the state of being "warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful". As you can see, this definition is pretty-opened minded, leaving us countless options when it comes to things to be grateful for and people to feel grateful towards.

It's easy to recognize the big things, like a new job, a new baby, getting married, buying a new house or surviving a car crash, even though some people insist on taking them for granted. I'll admit that in the absence of "big" things happening in my life, it's easy to overlook the smaller blessings that are occurring continuously. It's sad that many of us (myself included) focus on being grateful for all we have on Thanksgiving Day, and then go back to complaining about all that we don't have for the other 364 days of the year.

There are spiritual reasons for living with an attitude of gratitude. The German theologian and philosopher Meister Eckhart is commonly quoted as having said that "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'thank you', that would suffice."

Those of us who believe in God know of the immeasureable gifts we have already been given, so much so that we often feel guilty when we ask for more. Yet, from a spiritual perspective, we know that a grateful heart not only pleases God, but it benefits us as well. Author Terry Lynn Taylor says that "Gratitude is our most direct line to God and the angels. If we take the time, no matter how crazy and troubled we feel, we can find something to be thankful for. The more we seek gratitude, the more reason the angels will give us for gratitude and joy to exist in our lives."

It gets even simpler than that. Consider these words from author Ralph Marston. "What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it--would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have."

But the benefits of an attitude of gratitude don't stop there. Regardless of your spiritual persuasion, and even in the absence of any, researchers are finding physical and emotional benefits to being grateful. For example, exercising gratitude has been shown to:

relieve stress

boost the immune system

increase alertness, enthusiasm, optimism and energy

reduce depression

improve overall health

increase spiritual awareness, regardless of "religion"

improve sleep quality

There are lots of exercises that can be found online to help exercise our gratitude muscles. However, the one I see most commonly, and that I'm guessing is one of the most effective, is one that is quite simple. Take time at the end of each day to write down at least three things that you're grateful for. There's something about writing things down that makes them more real, that brings them into clearer focus. And, if you're having trouble finding things to be grateful for, committing to this exercise - no matter what - will cause you to begin to be more aware throughout the day, looking for things to put on your list each evening.

If you want to add a slightly different twist to this exercise, consider taking the advice of clinical psychologist Blair Justice, Ph.D., professor-emeritus of psychology at the UT School of Public Health at Houston. At the end of each day, he asks himself these three questions: What has surprised me? What has touched me? What has inspired me?

Dr. Justice says that "hard-bitten folks have trouble finding beauty or seeing life anew in a daily way, and their arteries and immune system suffer for it." He believes that answering these three questions "inspires us to see the stuff of our days through fresh eyes."

Happy Thanksgiving!

(to be continued...)

Gratitude Quotes

2007-11-21T10:22:00.001-05:00

If I had to pick one state of mind to live in all the time, I think it would be gratitude. I believe that those people who can express sincere gratitude in any circumstance are truly blessed. I've got a lot to be thankful for this Holiday Season and I'll post about that soon. But for now, I decided to share some of my favorite quotes on gratitude.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." (Melodie Beattie)

"Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting."(Author Unknown)

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."(Epictetus)

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."(Sarah Ban Breathnach)

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."(Author Unknown)

The Art of Being Bipolar

2007-11-18T17:31:00.000-05:00

Today I found the blog of an incredible abstract artist, Lynne Taetzsch, who also happens to be bipolar. All About Art chronicles Ms. Taetzsch's daily life through her extraordinary artwork. By now, she is more than half-way through her goal of creating at least one piece of artwork per day for an entire year! When I first read about this project I envisioned a series of quickly-drawn sketches on napkins and tiny bits of paper. I was blown away when I realized that she's actually creating a piece of gallery-worthy art each day. Amazing!

The politics of personal empowerment

2007-11-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

My mother and I have been talking a lot lately about bipolar disorder and how it affects me. I've explained to her that bipolar disorder has many faces, and that it presents itself differently from one person to the next, and often within the same person from one day to the next. For me, it's never been about random chemical changes that drastically alter my moods. Instead, it's manifested as emotional hypersensitivity to situations, relationships, music, art, just about anything. It's as if I sometimes lack the ability to regulate my emotional responses to the stimulus that's affecting me. If a commercial or movie would generally invoke a tear or two, I cry buckets. If a happy song would normally cause one to tap their foot, I'm inspired to dance. If an unethical act in the workplace would normally evoke a raised eyebrow, I am utterly incensed as if I'd been personally attacked.

As if having emotions on steroids wasn't enough, I also have a tendency to conceal these emotions from those around me whenever possible. Perhaps because I'm smart, and articulate, and politically astute, I know that certain emotions are inappropriate in certain settings at certain times. For this and other reasons, I do not think of myself as "mentally ill". Instead, I simply consider myself to be a person with bipolar tendencies who sometimes suffers from depression. I'd venture to say that those who know me would agree. In fact, if one were to ask any of the colleagues and friends who've known me for years if I were "bipolar", not a single one would believe that I was.

Now, part of this is due to the grossly distorted perceptions of bipolar disorder that have been disseminated by the media, and quite honestly, by some within the bipolar community who choose to focus exclusively on the most negative and extreme aspects of the disorder. I must admit though that I would be considered "highly functioning" on the bipolar spectrum, so I do not want to in any way minimize the tremendous pain of those who are suffering with this disorder to a much greater extent than I am.

While some consider the ability to function "normally" (whatever that means) a blessing, and it is, it can also be a curse. Partly because people who are highly functioning and exhibit few, if any visible symptoms are often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and the seriousness of their suffering is rarely taken seriously. Furthermore, while the outside world may not see my many intense emotions, they are still there, and when they can't be directed towards their source, they are directed inward.

I asked my mother if I'd always been hypersensitive. She didn't speak directly to me being overly sensitive as a child (probably because even then I kept it all inside), but she said that I've always been "empathetic" and thoughtful about other people's feelings. She said that when I was a very young child, she'd take me out shopping and without fail, whenever there was a baby in a stroller that "only a mother could love" (her words, not mine), I'd go up to the stroller, peer in and say quite sincerely, and quite loudly, "Look Mommy! Isn't that the prettiest baby you've ever seen?" Being the polite and tactful mother that she is, she said that she'd always take a deep breath, put on a smile and say "Yes, sweetie, that is a beautiful baby." Then she'd drag me away, before I could put her on the spot even more, muttering who knows what under her breath.

Over the years, I think I've expanded on that theme and developed the tendency to put an inordinante amount of care into protecting other people's feelings, often at the expense of my own. However, since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year and working hard to identify and significantly reduce the triggers that cause me difficulty, I've realized that this overabundance of empathy, at the expense of my own emotional well-being, has not been healthy for me. I've finally realized that I'm the only person that can ultimately be responsible for my own spirit.

I know that I am good, kind, generous and honest. But I also know that often times people mistake those qualities for weakness... and weak I am not, although I probably act like it at times. Over the past three months I've decided that I'm sick and tired of being taken for granted, being emotionally mistreated or neglected, and all around settling for less respect and decency than I deserve. I've posted previously about both a professional situation with a co-worker at work and more recently about the end of a personal relationshp and how I decided it was time to stand up for myself for a change. In both circumstances, I was pleasantly surprised at the results.

I learned that setting boundaries, being clear about the behavior I will and will not accept, and drawing a line in the sand, as much for my own benefit as for the other person's, do not signal the approach of the Apocalypse. They are inherently necessary, in fact critical, to my emotional well-being. The key now is remembering that rather than waiting until the situation is so bad that I feel I've got nothing else to lose, it's important for me to set those boundaries up front, drawing that line in the sand, so that the unacceptable behavior that I will no longer tolerate doesn't have a chance to rear it's ugly head.

Who benefits from "Friends With Benefits?"

2007-11-15T16:55:00.000-05:00

The first time I overhead some teenage girls talking about having "friends with benefits", I remember thing to myself "Oh, how sweet. I wish I'd had one of those when I was in high school." As a point of reference, I went to an all-girls Catholic High School - in the 1970's. I remember with stunning clarity the painful experience of never having a boyfriend when it was time to go to the prom. Going to an all-girls school and not having a boyfriend meant that if you wanted to go to the prom, you had to ask a guy to take you. Or, you had to rely on the sympathy of friends to set you up on a blind date with one of their date's friends. Trust me, both options were awful! So, the prospect of having a good buddy of the opposite sex who could go with you to the prom, or to the movies, or even to go out for pizza sounded wonderful.

Imagine my surprise when I asked my own teenage daughter if she had a "Friend With Benefits." After she finished laughing, she said "Mom, you OBVIOUSLY don't know what that is." Then she told me. Oh boy was I off base on that one! Suddenly I was thrilled that she didn't have an FWB.

If you're one of the few people on the planet who still doesn't know what FWBs are, they're friends of the opposite sex who engage in casual sex, presumably getting the benefits of carnal knowledge without the messy complications of emotional intimacy or commitment.

The back story in last night's episode of Private Practice was about Friends with Benefits - two sets of them. Since I love Cooper, I had to stop myself from screaming "NOOOOOOO, DON'T DO IT!!!" when Violet proposed an FWB relationship with him. She's overstressed and horny. He's in love - with her. She can't see it (yet), and because she's still in love with her ex who's married another woman, Cooper hasn't found the courage to tell her how he really feels.

After his initial shock at her invitation wore off, Cooper agreed to have sex with her. Not because he was horny, although I imagine he was. I think he agreed because he loves her so much that he was willing to accept her any way that he could have her. However, when the appointed time came to do the dirty deed, Cooper couldn't. Even as the woman he loves with all his heart stood there naked in front of him urging him to take off his clothes so they could get busy, his love and his RESPECT for her wouldn't allow him to go through with it. Now THAT is a good man.

So, after a quick google search, I'm persuaded that there truly are significant numbers of adults who engage in FWB relationships on a regular basis. But who, I ask you, benefits from these hook-ups? Setting aside for the moment the risks of the obvious inconveniences of unwanted pregnancies and STDs, what about those great underrated things called feelings and commitment?

My guess is that few people are truly able to pull off FWBs without running the risk of one partner becoming more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other, or otherwise ruining what was previously a great friendship. But then add to the mix a relationship in which one or both of the people involved lives with either bipolar disorder or depression. You've just created a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

Under the best of circumstances, relationships can be complicated, confusing and full of emotional risks for both parties. In some ways, the prospect of having an FWB relationship may seem like the ideal way to get certain physical needs met without taking the emotional risks inherent in having a "real" relationship where feelings, trust, honest and intimacy are required. But on the other hand, to believe that there are no rules in an FWB relationship seems to me to be dangerously niave.

There are always rules... in this case the rules are that neither party can care too much about the other, that both parties have to accept that they're only eligible to receive those "benefits" until the other person finds someone to have a real relationship with, and of course that no matter what does or doesn't happen, both parties are supposed to be able to remain "friends" at the end of the day. Good luck.

I'm sure there are people that can and do play this game, and I wish them well. But I can't. And I'm glad that at least last night, art imitated life, instead of glamourizing behavior that can be very emotionally unhealthy. Call me a prude, but that's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

The gift of closure (part 2)

2007-11-14T19:48:00.000-05:00

What started out as a big box of black wool is now a beautiful black afghan that I'm giving to my ex this week. It's taken the better part of two months to knit, but it was worth every minute that I spent on it.

Why would I spend that kind of money and time on a man who dumped me? I'm so glad you asked! :)

Knitting this afghan was not about him, it was about me. For me, there is something so cathartic, so healing, about knitting. The time I spend knitting is meditative, it's contemplative, it's prayerful, it's relaxing, and it's creative. And in the end, much less expensive and much more productive than time spent talking to a therapist.

When I started this project, it was painfully slow-going. Perhaps the flood of tears clouded my vision and slowed me down. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get through this. During that time I cried for him, I cried for what I thought I was losing, I cried for what I thought could have been. I prayed for him without ceasing.

By the time I reached the middle, I was mad as hell and the yarn was almost flying through my fingers. At first, I found myself asking questions like: How could he do this to me? Who does he think he is? He's really going to regret this some day. But somewhere in there things changed. My self-talk became statments like: I deserve better than this. This is HIS issue not mine. There isn't a single thing I can think of that I would have done differently - I don't have anything to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. Breaking up with me the way he did (and that was the real issue all along) is not about HIS loss, it's about MY GAIN.

That's when the true lessons started to take shape. I did do it right this time. I did learn from all those failed relationships of the past and entered this one with hope and optimism, but also with knowledge about myself, my co-dependent tendencies and my "relationship issues". In this relationship, probably for the first time, I was the woman I wanted to be, and damn it, she's pretty cool. So while I detest the way he handled our break-up, I can't help but be grateful for the lessons this experience gave me. I am more self-confident now than ever before. I have an even clearer idea of what I want (and don't want) in a relationship, and I know that I can survive without one, so any future relationship(s) will be based on wants, not needs. How can I stay mad at someone who, albeit unknowingly, helped me discover these truths about myself?

By the time I got near the end of the afghan, I was bored and ready to move on. I couldn't knit fast enough. All I wanted was to be done with it and move on with my life. Needless to say, I'm no longer heartbroken. I'm no longer angry. I just am. And I'm beginning to like that person more and more.

The last part of this process was communicating at least some of this to my ex. So, I drafted a note to enclose with the afghan. I shared it with my friend, Susan, who did something that only the best kind of friends could do. After reading my draft, she commented that it wasn't quite clear to her what my true intentions were for knitting the afghan. She noted that if it was unclear to her why I did this and what I wanted, it probably would be to him as well. I think she also may have even wondered if I'd been totally honest with myself about the final message that I wanted to leave with him (my words, not hers). She proceeded to ask me series of very challenging questions - about why I knit the afghan, what I hoped to gain by giving it to him, how I wanted him to respond, and perhaps most importantly, deep down in my heart of hearts, did I want him back.

As much as we like to talk on the phone (I live on the east coast and she lives on the west coast), we both LOVE to write. Her questions were in an e-mail, and I responded the same way. I wrote and wrote and wrote, expressing in much more detail than my ex will ever hear, the answers to all of her questions. I'm confident that I was able to convince her that my motives are pure, that I truly do not expect or want anything from him, and that I absolutely DO NOT want to try to reconcile our relationship. But more important than convincing her, writing it out in a letter to her, knowing that she would read it, feel it, get it, was also an important part of the process. In clarifying my thoughts and feelings to her, I was finally able to express them in the way that I ultimately needed to. It doesn't matter to me that he will never hear my words, what matters is that I expressed them, I put them "out there", and now I'm done.

So, I now have a new and improved note to enclose with the afghan. I found the courage to tell him that I expected a better ending from him, and that I know I deserved one. Of course, there was more, but I remembered the lessons I learned from my mom, my aunt and my grandmother, and I expressed my thoughts in a mature and polite way. Hopefully, the letter and the afghan will show him that even though he changed, I didn't. I left this relationship with the same class and grace that I exhibited while I was in it.

Now, if I had been raised differently, my note would have been much shorter. It would have simply said...

"... And as for you, you can kiss my black... afghan!"

Just kidding!

The gift of closure (part 1)

2007-11-12T21:13:00.000-05:00

A while ago, while I was still aching over the recent ending of a relationship, I blogged about finding closure (part 1 part 2). At the time, I needed desperately to find closure, and I vowed to work at it, but I'm not sure that deep down inside I truly believed it was possible. But it is, and I have.

Closure is a process which, like grief, consists of several stages that don't necessarily happen in any logical order. And perhaps even more frustrating is the fact that any of the stages can recur, time and again, until we truly learn the lesson(s) that stage is meant to teach us.

In an ideal world, we would find closure to the ending of a significant relationship through one or more mature, thoughtful, loving conversations about what went wrong, as well as what went right, things we're thankful for and lessons we've learned. But this isn't close to an ideal world and that type of closure seems to be more of the exception than the rule. In my case specifically, the man I'd been dating just disappeared. Not in the literal sense. He works in the same building so I know he isn't dead or lying in a coma in a hospital somewhere unable to call me to let me know he's alright. He just stopped speaking to me. Period. He went from calling me several times each day and just before going to sleep at night, to not calling at all. No explanation, no apology, no fight, nothing.

Needless to say, I started my search for closure at ground zero. Thankfully I had the love and support of three amazing women, my mom, my aunt and my dear friend Susan. My Mom and my aunt let me question, cry and vent, for what must have seemed to them like countless hours. And for that, I am extremely grateful. When I was determined to give him the benefit of the doubt and love him back to me, they listened quietly and supported me, even if they didn't think it would work. Susan did all that too, but when the time was right, she did something else too (more on this later).

My ex knew that I love to knit and to my surprise, just a few weeks before he vanished, he mentioned the possibility of me knitting an afghan for him. In fact, the box of 15 skeins of black wool arrived during the last week that we were speaking. So, there I was, sitting home alone, newly dumped and crying like there's no tomorrow, looking at a box full of black yarn - a very expensive box of black yarn, I might add. My first instinct was to try to return it, or if that wasn't possible, to sell it on e-bay. But I'm so glad I didn't. Instead that black box of yarn became the tool that helped me find my way back.

(to be continued...)

Holiday depression

2007-11-11T06:44:00.000-05:00

I can "feel" the holiday season approaching. As nearly everyone around me seems to be getting excited, I'm starting to feel depressed. And apparently I'm not alone. Feeling depressed at what most people consider to be the happiest time of the year is not something that most people who experience it feel comfortable talking about. It just isn't PC and most people who haven't felt it just don't get it.

I found this wonderfully straightforward explanation for holiday depression written by Dr. Richard Boyum at SelfCounseling.com (emphasis added):

We generally think of the holidays as a joyous, happy period. The period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year's is a time in American culture for much celebration. People come together to eat, sing, share gifts and the camaraderie of each others' presence. But there is an increasing body of knowledge that says that the holidays are a period of time that is, for many, stressful at the least and for others, downright depressing. Consider for a moment the following information:

1. The Thanksgiving to New Year's holiday season occurs during the time of year when there are the fewest number of hours of daylight. Research has shown that ten percent of our population is significantly affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Regardless of other factors related to the holidays, sufferers of true Seasonal Affective Disorder may experience chronic fatigue, difficulty in sleeping, irritability, and feelings of sadness.
2. For most individuals, all of the activities of the holidays must be piled on top of all of their other responsibilities that, for most people, include both work and family. The 168 hours that there are in every week cannot be expanded. Consequently, many individuals feel a significant time crunch.
3. Only about 25% of all individuals are living within what would be considered a traditional family at the present time. Death, separation, divorce, remarriage, and job-related separations cause many individuals to feel a dissonance with the traditional holiday-related values.
4. The majority of Americans spend somewhere between 95% and 100% of each paycheck. Again, the period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year's brings about special costs that often increase debt. The research in couples counseling indicates that financial stresses and pressures create significant and long-lasting effects on marriages.

But wait! Before you get even more depressed, know that help is available, and I don't mean the added time and expense of trips to a therapist or increases in your medication. Believe it or not, there are things that we can do now to prepare ourselves for a healthier, and maybe even happier holiday season. Here are just a few:

Manage your time effectively. Write out your gift and grocery shopping lists before you leave home. Try not to wait until the last minute when crowds and traffic make an already daunting task even more so.

Prioritize and then set reasonable goals. You can't do everything, no matter how much you want to or feel you need to. Decide what's truly important to you, and focus on those things. It's OK to say "No".

Consider alternatives. If "traditional" holiday celebrations get you down, consider creating new ones. Try something different this year.

Look for free or low-cost gifts and activities to celebrate the season. In fact, nurture your creative side by making some or all of your holiday gifts. Chances are that the recipients will appreciate them even more knowing that you put a piece of yourself into them. Don't think you're creative? The internet is full of craft ideas, or set aside an hour or two to walk the aisles of any craft store, or even the craft department at the local Wal-Mart for ideas.

Delegate. If you have family and friends that you celebrate the holidays with, let them share in the preparations too. Why should you have all the fun?

Set reasonable spending limits. Don't get the New Year off to a stressful start by dreading those credit cards bills that remind you each month of how much you overspent during the holiday. And even better, decide early next year how much you want to spend for next year, and start saving some each month during the year.

Watch what you eat. Why go from feeling bad during the holidays to worse afterwards because of all that extra weight you put on? Enjoy all that delicious food, just do so in moderation. Your scales will be glad you did.

If you drink, do so in moderation. This one goes without saying, especially if you're on meds. And by all means, have a designated driver or catch a cab home!

Do something for someone else. One of the best ways to feel better is to help someone else. There are countless volunteer opportunities available during the holiday season.

Want to learn more about holiday depression and how to beat it? Here are just a few online resources:

Holiday depression and stress (Medicinenet.com)

Holiday depression and stress (Mental Health America)

Depression and the Holidays (University of Pennsylvania Health System)

Stress, depression and the Holidays: 12 tips for coping (MayoClinic.com)

Autumn leaves

2007-11-10T18:27:00.000-05:00

The summer was very dry in Virginia this year. As a result, we haven't gotten the fabulous display of fall color this year. However, I couldn't resist taking this picture of some trees near my home.

Emotional equality

2007-11-03T08:41:00.001-04:00

Marja left a great comment at my last post about bipolar friendship. She provided clarity on an issue that I've often struggled with, although I'd never been able to articulate it as well.

She wrote that:

My best friend, a person who has been a mentor and my major supporter, does not have bipolar disorder and does not fully understand. Yet she has been very helpful because of her godly compassion. I've needed her terribly at times.But the problem with a relationship like that is that it tends to be unbalanced. She is mostly supporter and I am mostly the supported one. I've had huge struggles trying to balance out the relationship - trying to encourage her to lean on me once in a while as well. I don't want to always be the weak one. I want to be there for her as well - yet it's hard for her to let me take that role.

But she understands how I feel and I've worked hard to teach her to be as a sister, rather than a mother figure. It's working. I'm finding lots of opportunities now to support her as well. And I feel better about myself because of that. Yet this continues to be a constant struggle.

This concept of lop-sided relationships is surely not confined to relationships in which one party is bipolar and other is not. And it's probably much more prevelant than most of us realize. I'd imagine it exists when one party has any kind of illness and the other is well, when one is going through a difficult time and the other is happy, or even when one is married and the other is not.

In fact, I have a few friends locally who are all wonderful women, who've been very supportive of me, particularly when I was going through a difficult divorce, but now that the crisis is over, it's been difficult for us to maintain our friendships, and that has nothing to do with being bipolar. It's simply that they're all married with children in high school and/or college and they all live on the opposite side of town.

I know it's probably selfish, but it's frustrating for me to always be the one to drive 45 minutes to an hour each way to meet my friends for dinner at a restaurant that is conveniently within 10 minutes of where most of them live. When I do make the drive, we always have a great time, but it's very awkward for me when so much of our conversations revolve around topics that are not at all relevant to me.

I'm not married, so I have no husband issues, anniversary celebrations, or funny stories about the in-laws to interject. Their lives are full of soccer practice, driving lessons, trips to visit the kids in college, or dropping everything because the kids are coming home from college for the weekend. My daughter is in the Army and is stationed in Iraq, so while they always ask how she is, and they sincerely do care, anything more detailed than "She's safe and doing well, thank you" seems to put an immediate damper on the conversation. Nobody seems to know what to say after that.

Good or bad, right or wrong, I've usually dealt with my bipolar issues internally (and I have a host of stress-related autoimmune system symptoms to show for it). Before Susan, my mother, my aunt and my friend Jane, who also lives on the other side of the country, were the only ones who really knew what I was going through. And they've all been wonderful supporters. I wouldn't have made it through the dark days without them. Moving forward, I fully expect to have a much better handle on my moods because I'm working hard on doing that. So while I'm hoping that being bipolar will not play a huge role in future relationships, I need to remember Marja's advice and make sure that I'm finding ways to give when I can and to be honest about what I need when I need it.

But, as I make the effort to meet new people and make new friends locally, I need to make the conscious effort to seek out people with similar interests and who are in similar stages in their lives. I need to seek out single women whose children have left the nest who would enjoy going to a play, or to dinner and a movie, sometimes on short notice. I need to spend more time with my knitting buddy, who's married, but who's husband is a gem and encourages us knit, and shop, and hang out together. I need to find a friend to go on that 5-day Cruise to Nowhere with me in the spring, and maybe even a friend who wants to travel with me to Greece to celebrate my 50th birthday in 2009!

And, if and when I decided to attempt dating again, I REALLY need to remember the concept of emotional equality. The days of enabling my co-dependent beliefs that I need a man who needs me to save him from himself are over. I'm doing the hard work to be a whole person and when it comes to dating, I need to date a man who's doing the same.

Bipolar friendship

2007-11-01T20:28:00.000-04:00

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I started reading bipolar blogs and attending bipolar support groups. I don't want to offend anyone, but one of the things that struck me was how depressing and overwhelming it all was. While I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone, I was scared to death that the diagnosis meant that I would lose my sense of humor, my optimism and my hope for a bright future.

I stopped going to the support group meetings and I stopped reading a lot of the blogs and decided instead to write my own. I needed to believe that I could not only survive the diagnosis, but that I could overcome it, and I realized that I could only do that by taking control of the situation and figuring out how to make the most of it. And part of this process meant blogging to heal, not only my own emotional wounds, but hopefully, helping others do the same thing too. (I'll be writing more on this in the coming months).

I believe that when we honestly make the effort to help ourselves, that God steps in makes things happen. He's willing to meet us more than half-way, but we need to be serious about doing our part first. In my case, that help came in the form of a very dear friend, Susan, who like me, was also diagnosed as atypical bipolar II (episodes are predominantly medication-resistant depressions with mild hypomania).

I'd imagine there are some who'd argue that it might not be the most practical idea for two people who are both bipolar to act as a primary support system for each other. I'd guess that if they are both extremely depressed or highly hypomanic at the same time, that things could get complicated. However, there are certain advantages of having a best friend who's bipolar that are undeniable.

We understand each others' moods. We can tell by the *tone* of our many-times-per-day e-mails how the other is feeling. It's rarely necessary to struggle to find the words to explain the myriad of moods we experience.

We usually know what to say (or not to say) when it's been a rough day. Because we understand the mood, and because we're so alike in so many ways, it's much easier to know how to respond because we can truly empathize with each other. If I'm not sure what to do or say, I ask myself what I would want her to say or do if the situation were reversed.

We're committed to honesty and we trust each other's motivation. Because we both value emotional honesty, we trust each other with our thoughts and feelings. We know that anything that we do or say is done with only the best of intentions, which means we can trust and value whatever is said and we respect each other's opinions. We don't have to pull punches with each other. If Susan tells me I'm over-reacting or that I've spent enough time feeling sorry for myself and now it's time to get up off my a** and do something constructive, I know that her only reason for saying that is because she believes in her heart that it's true... and she's usually right.

We have the same end-goal in mind. Because we are both determined to live life to it's fullest, rather than considering bipolar disorder to be a death sentence, we seem to always be able to support each other and lift each other up. Even when we're both feeling down, one of us always seems able to find something funny (even if it's funny because it's pathetic) to bring a smile to the other. I can honestly say that I've never had an e-mail exchange or a phone call with her in which I didn't feel better when we ended than I did when we started.

I am so thankful that I have a friend, a sister, a confidant, a business partner and a fellow traveler along this journey to wellness. I wish that everyone could be so richly blessed.

Afterthoughts on Personal Organizing

2007-10-30T18:18:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago a blogged about my wonderful experience with a pair of personal organizers who did a complete makeover on my home office. I was so inspired by the transformation in my office that I used the techniques that I learned to organize the rest of my home and the results have been profound.

I'm guessing that many of the same benefits would apply even if I weren't bipolar, but because I am, their significance is probably heightened:

Much less stress and guilt. I moved here during my last depression, and although I experienced a slight hypomanic lift from the move, the high was short-lived. In retrospect, I'm not sure that I ever completely unpacked. For months I knew that I needed to get organized, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I lacked both the physical and the emotional energy to do it. Yet, I spent immeasurable energy feeling stressed and/or guilty because my office was so disorganized. I remember refusing to plan any activities for the weekends because I needed to organize my office. I convinced myself that I didn't have any business "playing" on the weekends when my office was such a mess. So, I didn't got out much. But then, I didn't organize my office either. So this pattern repeated itself week after week, with the levels of attending stress and guilt growing exponentially. Now that my entire apartment is "clear", those feelings of stress and guilt are gone, and I now find myself looking forward to planning activities for the weekends with all my new-found time.
I'm able to find things now. I'm also saving a lot of time, and eliminating a lot of stress and frustration, by not having to spend time searching for things. Now, everything has a place and when I take something out, I put it back. It keeps the place neat AND gives me peace of mind.
I'm more focused and aware of the moment. My commitment to keeping things organized forces me to slow down on an on-going basis. I can't do ten things at a time, I can't work up until the moment that I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I can't rush to finish dinner and leave dishes in the sink. Now I try to do one thing at a time. When possible, I "complete the circle", meaning that I try to finish one task, activity or project before starting another. I'm aware of what I'm doing because I understand that living on autopilot has its consequences, and few of them are positive.
I'm prepared for spur-of-the-moment guests. I haven't invited friends over in the year that I've lived here. I hadn't really thought about it until now, perhaps because I was so depressed that socializing wasn't a priority. I'm still not sure that I'm up to doing a lot of entertaining, but that'll change. And when it does, I'll be ready.
My mental space is more aligned with my physical space. I think there's some truth to the old saying that a cluttered desk is sign of a cluttered mind. The disconnect between my mind's demand for order and organization and the state of chaos in my office was a constant source of distress for me. It was the classic example of my mind writing checks that my body couldn't cash. After a while, I noticed that because the state of my office couldn't catch up with the state of my mind, that my mind slowed down to keep pace with my office. I started forgetting things, letting important activities fall through the cracks, finding myself unable to get focused and just feelings as disorganized in my head as my office looked. Now that my office is "clear", I've been delighted to discover that my mind is too. I've started using a daily planner again, I've completed several previously unfinished projects, and I'm setting goals and plans for the future once again.

This project has not been "cheap", but it's been well worth every cent I spent.

16 rules to live by

2007-10-29T12:50:00.000-04:00

Thanks to one of my favorite bloggers, LaShawn Barber, for sharing a post that I probably never would have seen otherwise by Bob Parsons, CEO of godaddy.com at his blog, Hot Points, and for challenging her readers to ponder this list. When I originally posted this a little over a year ago at another blog, I was dealing with an entirely different set of issues. But in re-reading the list, I realized that it's so universal that even though my circumstances have changed, the advice still stands.

Bob offers the following 16 "rules of survival". My humble thoughts are added in italics after Bob's:

1. Get and stay out of your comfort zone. I believe that not much happens of any significance when we're in our comfort zone. I hear people say, "But I'm concerned about security." My response to that is simple: "Security is for cadavers."

I can say without a doubt that going "public" with my own struggles in an effort to help others is definitely outside of my comfort zone. It's been difficult to write and speak publicly about bipolar disorder/depression, about being a sexual assault survivor, and about the many mistakes I've made over the last 30 years prior to finally accepting the challenge to get well. But sharing my pain, and the lessons I've learned from it, is the only way I know of to make sense out of it all and to turn my experiences into something worthwhile. Otherwise, what was it all for?

2. Never give up. Almost nothing works the first time it's attempted. Just because what you're doing does not seem to be working, doesn't mean it won't work. It just means that it might not work the way you're doing it. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and you wouldn't have an opportunity.

There are days when I ask God why on Earth He asked me to do this [to bear such pain, and then to talk and write about it]. But just when I don't think I can cry another tear or write another word, I get an e-mail, or a note, from a woman who has been victimized or someone who is living with depression and those simple, heartfelt thank you;s are like a "you go girl!" from God. How can I quit now?

3. When you're ready to quit, you're closer than you think. There's an old Chinese saying that I just love, and I believe it is so true. It goes like this: "The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed."

If this is true, my breakthrough should be coming any minute now! LOL

4. With regard to whatever worries you, not only accept the worst thing that could happen, but make it a point to quantify what the worst thing could be. Very seldom will the worst consequence be anywhere near as bad as a cloud of "undefined consequences." My father would tell me early on, when I was struggling and losing my shirt trying to get Parsons Technology going, "Well, Robert, if it doesn't work, they can't eat you."

I've decided that the 2 worst things that could happen because of me going public would be for (1) for my rapist to find me again and (2) to lose a prospective partner because he's either afraid or uninterested in dealing with me because I'm bipolar. Considering that my rapist is serving a life sentence in a maximum security prison and I've moved at least a dozen times since the attack, that's highly unlikely. And as for a guy not wanting to have a relationship with me because I was raped years ago or because I sometimes get depressed, well, let's just say that I've been dumped for much less relevant reasons than that. And besides, those things wouldn't matter to Cooper Freedman anyway. :)

5. Focus on what you want to have happen. Remember that old saying, "As you think, so shall you be."

Enough said.

6. Take things a day at a time. No matter how difficult your situation is, you can get through it if you don't look too far into the future, and focus on the present moment. You can get through anything one day at a time.

This is probably the hardest one for me, but I'm working on it.

7. Always be moving forward. Never stop investing. Never stop improving. Never stop doing something new. The moment you stop improving your organization, it starts to die. Make it your goal to be better each and every day, in some small way. Remember the Japanese concept of Kaizen. Small daily improvements eventually result in huge advantages.

Agreed.

8. Be quick to decide. Remember what General George S. Patton said: "A good plan violently executed today is far and away better than a perfect plan tomorrow."

This may be the only one I disagree with. Sometimes it takes a while for me to hear back from God. Some of the biggest mistakes I've ever made were made because I didn't wait for Him.

9. Measure everything of significance. I swear this is true. Anything that is measured and watched, improves.

I agree.

10. Anything that is not managed will deteriorate. If you want to uncover problems you don't know about, take a few moments and look closely at the areas you haven't examined for a while. I guarantee you problems will be there.

I'm sure this is true. I just need to remember it!

11. Pay attention to your competitors, but pay more attention to what you're doing. When you look at your competitors, remember that everything looks perfect at a distance. Even the planet Earth, if you get far enough into space, looks like a peaceful place.

I'm finding this to be true, but not just with competitors. The same thing applies to friends, co-workers, celebrities, family members... "the grass always looks greener..."

12. Never let anybody push you around. In our society, with our laws and even playing field, you have just as much right to what you're doing as anyone else, provided that what you're doing is legal.

To this I'd add... "and moral". I think this is true not only in business, but in personal relationships as well. Sometimes we have to set boundaries, even where family and friends are concerned. Just because someone is a relative or a long-time friend, that doesn't mean that your relationship with them can't be toxic. As we grow and mature, so do our values and our priorities, but not always in the same direction or at the same pace. Relationships that may have worked (or that we tolerated) in the past, may not necessarily be good for the person we have become. It takes courage to break free of toxic relationships, but it beats the alternative.

13. Never expect life to be fair. Life isn't fair. You make your own breaks. You'll be doing good if the only meaning fair has to you, is something that you pay when you get on a bus (i.e., fare).

There probably isn't a survivor alive that doesn't know this to be true.

14. Solve your own problems. You'll find that by coming up with your own solutions, you'll develop a competitive edge. Masura Ibuka, the co-founder of SONY, said it best: "You never succeed in technology, business, or anything by following the others." There's also an old Asian saying that I remind myself of frequently. It goes like this: "A wise man keeps his own counsel."

Agreed, but having a trusted confidant to bounce ideas off of sure does help.

15. Don't take yourself too seriously. Lighten up. Often, at least half of what we accomplish is due to luck. None of us are in control as much as we like to think we are.

Another hard one for me, but one I'm working on. While I agree that a large part of what happens in our lives is outside of our direct control, I disagree that it's due to "luck".

16. There's always a reason to smile. Find it. After all, you're really lucky just to be alive. Life is short. More and more, I agree with my little brother. He always reminds me: "We're not here for a long time; we're here for a good time."

I couldn't have said it better.

Thanks Bob for some great advice!

The above article is included with the permission of Bob Parsons (http://www.bobparsons.com) and is Copyright © 2004-2006 by Bob Parsons. All rights reserved.

Calling Cooper Freedman

2007-10-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

Other than 24 and Grey's Anatomy, I'm not much of a network TV viewer. However, this season has brought two unexpected surprises: Cane and Private Practice.

Cane is a modern-day Dallas, with sugar cane (and rum, of course) being the new oil. The riveting story of the Duque family of Cuban descent has just the right mix of love, passion, loyalty, and betrayal, with heavy doses of scandal, murder and other naughty secrets thrown in to make things even more interesting. It airs on Tuesday nights on CBS at 10 pm EST.

Then there's Private Practice, the Grey's Anatomy spin-off. I must admit that I was a bit skeptical after the first episode. It takes a great leap of imagination to get beyond the obvious inconsistencies between the pre- and post-spinoff personalities of the show's main character, Dr. Addison Montgomery. It's hard to believe that someone who is now so niave, so vulnerable, so emotional, was a world-renowned neonatal surgeon in a former life. It's even harder to believe that she gave all that up to move to LA to work with and live near her best friend Naomi, who owns a wellness clinic, without realizing that she would have no office, no surgical suite, no surgical staff, and an average of only one patient a day.

But once I decided to suspend belief and give the show some time, it's really grown on me. I love the new Addison (as long as I don't think about the old Addison). I think Naomi and Sam are great and I'm hoping that they'll realize that they still love each other and get back together. Pete is OK, but he clearly has issues which will begin to reveal themselves soon, I'm sure. Violet is a wonderful therapist and offers terrific advice to everyone else, yet her own personal life is a hot mess.

But the character I love the most is Cooper, the strong but soft-spoken pediatrician who's the emotional glue that holds the practice together. He's funny, kind, responsible, consistent, caring, loyal, great with kids and good-looking to boot. But what resonates with me the most about Cooper is that he is hopelessly, adoringly in love with Violet, yet because she is hopelessly, maddingly in love with her ex-boyfriend who has married another woman, Cooper hasn't found the courage to reveal his true feelings to her.

His love for Violet compels him to pick up the pieces of her mangled psyche, each and every time Alan rips her heart to shreds. Of course he'd love for her to love him back, but the thing is that he loves her completely and unconditionally, even though she doesn't love him "that way" (yet).

I know it's asking a lot, but that's what I want... a Cooper Freedman who will love me completely and unconditionally. A man who wants to be my friend, in the truest sense of the word. A man who falls in love with me because he knows me, likes me, trusts me and respects me. A man who loves me with the head on his shoulders first and foremost.

Cooper understands that love isn't always easy, or simple, but he loves anyway. He understands that the object of his affection doesn't always act or react in the way that he'd like, but he loves anyway. He knows that Violet is far from perfect, but he loves anyway. He knows that his future with her is not certain, but he loves anyway.

If art imitates life, and in this case I hope it does, there have to be some real Cooper Freedmans out there somewhere. If that's true, will a real Cooper Freedman please send me an e-mail?

Long-distance friendship

2007-10-25T19:56:00.000-04:00

My heart is heavy tonight. The mother of one of my dearest friends is dying. While there is nothing I can do for her mother, there are so many things I want to do to comfort my friend.

I want to sit with her in her mother's room as she holds her mother's hand or plays her autoharp and sings her mother's favorite folk songs. I want to bring her matzo ball soup, and wonton soup, and 7-Up and Fritos, and Hostess Twinkies, and all her favorite comfort foods.

I want to listen when she wants to talk. I want to talk when she wants to listen. I want to sit quietly with her when there simply are no words. I want to cry with her so she'll know she's not going through this pain alone.

I want to do all these things and more, but there's one reason why I can't. Actually, there are 2,628 reasons that I can't. That's the number of miles between her house and mine.

Any other time, the distance is manageable. In fact, we rarely even notice it. Thanks to e-mail and unlimited long distance telephone service, we communicate several times daily. We know what's going on in each other's lives on an on-going basis. I don't keep a diary, I simply write about my day, about my thoughts, dreams and goals in an e-mail. And, much better than a diary, she writes back. We support each other, we encourage each other, we lift each other up, and we reign each other in. She is the sister I never had, only better, because we chose each other.

But tonight, the distance matters, and I'm sure it will for a long time. I know that Susan knows how much she means to me, but I'd still like to share some quotes I found that say it better than I can:

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies." - Aristotle

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." - Author unknown

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." - Henry Ford

"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose." - Tehyi Hsieh

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." - C. S. Lewis

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing. - Katherine Mansfield

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. - Henri Nouwen

I love you, my friend.

Your sis,

Syd

Bipolar Fibromyalgia?

2007-10-25T09:49:00.000-04:00

According to psychiatrist, Dr. Jim Phelps of PsychEducation.com, there may be an important but unexplored connection between bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia. Having been diagnosed with both, I'm aware of the overlapping symptoms, so a possible connection doesn't come as a big surprise. Nor should I be surprised that more research hasn't been done on this, particularly given that for years, fibromyalgia wasn't even recognized as a "real" disorder. Since fibromyalgia affects women to a much higher degree, it's one of many ailments that has long been considered a figment of our weak and easily excitable minds.

In his recent article, Fibromyalgia and Bipolar Disorder, Dr. Phelps, patients with fibromyalgia are twice as likely to have major depression as are patients with rheumatoid arthritis. Even more startling is the finding that patients with fibromyalgia are 153 times more likely than those with rheumatoid arthritis to have bipolar disorder!

In response to a post at BipolarWorld.net asking about the connection, Dr. Phelps replied that:

I've never seen a word in the literature about this, but I've sure seen it in practice -- over and over. So, to answer their question: yes, I see the two show up together. In fact, in virtually all the "fibromyalgia" patients I've seen, there is mood stuff too. Of course, I wouldn't be likely to see FM patients who had no mood symptoms at all! But my rheumatologist friend says he sees the overlap too. But the important point to me is that the mood symptoms are much more likely, in my view, to have "bipolar" characteristics (as opposed to unipolar): profound sleep disturbance, cyclic recurrence, irritability and decreased concentration even when little "depression" is present. Perhaps most salient: the FM symptoms seem to directly cycle with sleep, almost as though in these women -- as they are nearly all women -- the pain symptoms are just another "bipolar" symptom. i.e. the pain *cycles* along with the rest of what we might typically regard as mood symptoms. Think about it: what if "chronic fatigue syndrome", which also co-occurs with FM and bipolar, was in some people just the depressed phase of "bipolar", with it's characteristic profound lethargy and fatigue, without obvious depression? As most patients know, the "mood dial" and the "energy dial" don't always turn the same way at the same time; they're relatively independent, at least in some people. Finally, why is that there is such a predominance of women with FM? This is an obvious and crucial question. I used to think it was because sexual abuse is so unfortunately common in women. But I've seen women with no such history, nor any clear reason to suspect some "repressed memory" either. I'm working on a "hormones and mood" website where I'll try to present current research that relates to this topic.

This is fascinating. Any thoughts on this?

Things you can do to support someone who is depressed

2007-10-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

One of my most frequently visited posts so far was about things NOT to say to someone who is depressed. Since there seem to be a lot of people who want to help, I've come up with a brief list of some simple ways well-meaning friends and family can help. I know there are lots of other ideas, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. If you can think of others, please post a comment!

Come over to visit - bring lunch or dinner. Many times going grocery shopping is a real chore, and even if there's food in the house, on some days it just requires too much energy to cook, especially if you're not hungry. When you're making a pot of spaghetti, or soup, or a delicious casserole, double the recipe and share.

Invite them to a movie - offer to drive. Sometimes people who are depressed find it hard to make choices. If you know them well enough, make it easy. Pick a movie and a time. All they have to do is get dressed and be ready to go.

Offer to keep the children for a few hours. If there are children, particularly young children, offer to take them out for a few hours, to the park, to a movie, to Chunk E. Cheese, or over to your house for pizza. Even a few hours of quiet time alone, having to be responsible for no one else, can be a welcome relief. And many parents are just too embarrassed or ashamed to ask for a break from their children.

Call to check in on a regular basis. Sometimes it helps just to hear a friendly voice. Even if the person doesn't feel like talking for long, just knowing that someone cared enough to call to see how they're doing can make a world of difference.

Bring a movie and popcorn. Sometimes people who are depressed don't want to talk, but they do crave company. Avoid the awkwardness of feeling the need to have a conversation by just sitting together and watching a movie.

Offer to attend to their errands while attending to yours. If you live nearby, and it's convenient for you, tell your friend that you're going to the grocery store, the drug store, Wal-Mart or the dry cleaners and ask if you can take care of anything for you while you're out. If they think you're going anyway, it may not be as difficult for them to accept your offer.

A new outlook on work

2007-10-19T11:57:00.001-04:00

I am so far off the fast lane of corporate America that I don't think I could find the on-ramp again if I wanted to. I'm in the process of ending one business and starting a new one (more to come on this soon), but I know that I'm still going to have to *work* for a while until the new business is established. After all, a girl's gotta eat and have a roof over her head, right?

The process of job-hunting is so different now than it was years ago. I still hate it, but in some ways it's a bit less stressful. Not because jobs are more plentiful, because they aren't. The employment market has changed, and not entirely for the better. Age and experience isn't valued as much as it once was, and I'm often interviewing with people who are much younger and much less experienced than I am.

The biggest change is me. I'm at the point in my life where I no longer define myself by my career. I am not what I do from 8 to 5 each week day. I prefer to define myself by my interests, my passions, my relationshisp, my volunteer work. I am no longer a corporate professional. I'm a writer, a knitter, a teacher/trainer, a mentor, a budding photographer, a mother-best friend to my daughter, a daughter, a niece and a friend.

Today I saw a beautiful poem that says it much better than I can. I hope I'm not violating any copyright laws by posting this in it's entirety. It was written by Beverly Rollwagon, from "She Just Wants" by Nodin Press and I found it in the October 2007 issue of Skirt magazine, published by the Richmond Times-Dispatch.

Employed

Beverly Rollwagon

She just wants to be employed
for eight hours a day. She is not

interested in a career; she wants a job

with a paycheck and free parking. She

does not want to carry a briefcase filled

with important papers to read after

dinner; she does not want to return

phone calls. When she gets home, she

wants to kick off her shoes and waltz

around her kitchen singing, "I am a piece

of work."

Organizing: Leaving it to the pros (Part 2)

2007-10-17T17:05:00.000-04:00

Having professional organizers reorganizing my office last weekend was somewhat like a marathon therapy session. I had no idea that in addition to analyzing the space, we'd also be analyzing my work habits, work style, decorating preferences and a host of other issues. Thankfully, the women I hired were both as skilled at handling me as they were in handling my office clutter. They asked very probing questions, but always in a gentle and non-judgmental way.

At first I thought their goal was not to make any decisions, but to ask the right questions for me to think through the options and make clear decisions that were right for me. But the more I think about this, I'm beginning to believe that they were the organizer's equivalent of "a good wife" - someone who can get her husband to do exactly what she wants him to do, while making him think it was his idea! Here's an example of how our day went:

ORG: Syd, I notice that you put this big burned-up candle back in the stack of things to go back into your office. Did you mean to do that?

ME: Yes.

ORG: Do you mind if I ask why? Does it have some sort of sentimental value?

ME: Not really. A guy I used to work with when I was temping at a salvage yard found it in a wrecked car and gave it to me because it had a really strong scent, which I needed because the guy I shared an office with had REALLY bad breath!

ORG: That's nice... not that you had to share an office with a guy with bad breath. I mean the fact that a co-worker was kind enough to help you out with that... And it appears that you've certainly gotten a lot of use out of it. But why are you keeping it?

ME: Because I'm planning to melt it down, put a new wick in it, and recycle it because I really like the smell.

ORG: Oh! That's wonderful. I didn't realize that in addition to writing, knitting, photography, and playing the piano that you're also into candlemaking. How long have you been doing that?

ME: Well... I haven't started yet.

ORG: Really? Hmmm..... So don't you need special supplies for the wax?

ME: Yes.

ORG: Where are they? I didn't notice them in your office when we took everything out.

ME: Oh, I haven't bought them yet, but I was looking at them in Michael's Crafts just this morning, in fact.

ORG: Are they expensive?

ME: Well... kind of.

ORG: Wow. Sounds like you're really serious about this.

ME: I think it would be fun.

ORG: So, which of your existing craft projects are you planning to give up in order to pursue candlemaking?

ME: I beg your pardon?

ORG: You just finished saying that you love how streamlined your crafts storage area is. So, in order for us to keep it that way, we're going to have to take some things out in order to make room for your new candlemaking supplies. Don't worry, it's not a problem at all. We told you that this was a work in progress and that we'd probably have to do some tweaking... So, what's your pleasure?

ME: (silence)

ORG: Syd, where are you going?

ME: To throw my candle in the trash.

Organizing: Leaving it to the pros (Part 1)

2007-10-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I hired a pair of personal organizers to completely overhaul my home office. This is something I've attempted to do myself many times (with limited success) and up until last week, I considered it an extravagance that I couldn't really afford. In retrospect, it was a vital business expense that I couldn't afford NOT to invest in.

I've been self-employed for the past 6 years in a small primary data collection business which has been slowly fading away. I'm in the process of starting an exciting new business (more on this soon) and my office was, quite frankly, a mess! I could bore you with all of the psychological reasons why that was, but since it isn't any more, I won't focus on the past.

I think I watch too much HGTV, because I went into this project thinking that with 2 people working, it was probably a 5-6 hour project and it would be comparable to having a housekeeper come and do a thorough clean of the place. I couldn't have been more wrong. It was about a lot more than cleaning and moving things around and it was also about a lot more than just my physical office space.

It was a process that explored my work space, my temperament, my creativity, my professional and personal goals, my work habits, my buying habits, my sensory perception, and my stress management techniques.

Thirteen hours later (over Saturday and Sunday), I found myself not only with a beautiful new home office, but a lifestyle change too. It's become extremely important to me to keep my space looking the way it does now and the process showed me exactly how to do that through a serious of conscious choices, literally on a day-to-day basis. It takes a long time to create bad habits and they don't go away over night. But now that I have positive habits to replace them with, and I can see and feel the benefits, I'm committed to this change. In fact, I'm so motivated by the changes in my work space that I've cleared all of my work off my plate in the evenings this week and through the weekend, if necessary, so I can devote that time to applying the same approach to the rest of my home.

I'm making extensive notes about the entire experience while it's still fresh in my mind. When I'm done, I'll post more about what we did and what I learned.

(to be continued...)

It's never too late

2007-10-12T16:14:00.000-04:00

I just read an incredibly honest and moving post at a great bipolar blog that I found recently, called The Bipolar CEO. This particular post is an open letter to the blogger's ex-girlfriend (from many, many years ago). I am truly impressed by the honesty and courage this letter exemplifies and I hope that the woman to whom it was written will see it. I couldn't begin to do the letter justice, so if you're interested, you can read it in it's entirety here.

Making the mood

2007-10-11T18:22:00.000-04:00

I tried an experiment this week and I've decided that it's worked even better than I could have hoped. I've been writing lately about trying to be more conscious of my moods, or more specifically, what I'm thinking about, which in turn has a direct correlation with my mood.

I've noticed that while I enjoy silence sometimes, living alone with long periods of silence can be troublesome, particularly when I'm struggling with insomnia in the late hours of the night or the early hours of the morning. I don't particularly care for the radio stations in my area and I hate the commercials. I am, however, a political news junkie, so I'd resorted to using cable news as a radio of sorts.

Until my experiment this week, I didn't realize how much that was NOT helping my mood. Because I really care about this stuff (national politics), I'd find myself getting frustrated, and sometimes angry... with the coverage, with interviews, with the sad state of national and international affairs. I was well-informed on the issues, but no less stressed or tired.

So this week, I decided to take advantage of my expensive digital cable subscription. I found a smooth jazz channel that I love. So other than about an hour of cable news a night, the rest of the time (including most of last weekend), I had the tv on, listening to the most incredible jazz music. Not only has my mood increased substantially, but I find that I'm more energetic and more productive. I've discovered that it's impossible for me to feel sad, angry or stressed when I'm listening to music I truly enjoy. In fact, there have been times that I've even found myself dancing - yes, dancing around my home, by myself and having a great time doing it!

Susan wrote a great post earlier this week about a book she's reading called "BrainSwitch out of Depression: Breaking the Cycle of Despair" by A.B. Curtis who is a licensed cognitive behavioral therapist. I was so intrigued by Susan's brief overview of the thesis of the book that I ordered it yesterday. Reading her post about this book was validation that I'm on the right track with my music experiment because if I understand it correctly, Dr. Curtis believes that through hard work and practice, we can train our brains to respond differently to stressful situations. For me this is great news because it means that I don't have to be a prisoner to my moods and that my mother may have been right when she used to lecture me about dressing for success. She used to say that if you look successful, you'll start to act like you're successful, and if you act like you're successful, eventually you will be! I think the same theory applies to winning the battle against depression.

Endings are beginnings

2007-10-10T20:38:00.000-04:00

It's easy to get caught up in the sadness of endings. There's just something about the word "ending" that seems so... final. But by it's very nature, when something ends, it signals the beginning of something else. Whether it's a relationship, a job, or any other significant change in our lives, we can choose to focus on what we're losing, or we can choose instead to focus on the new opportunities that this change represents.

When I change jobs, I like to focus on the fact that I have a clean and hopefully clutter-free workspace that I can organize the way that works best for me. I reflect on the things that weren't working for me at the last job and develop a strategy to avoid falling into the same traps this time. And, I look forward to learning new things, meeting new people and creatively identifying ways to add value in my new work setting.

When a relationship ends, I like to remind myself of all of the things I stopped doing because my partner didn't enjoy them, or I just didn't have the time. For example, I'm looking forward now to dancing more, exploring new places to shoot pictures, re-energizing my knitting ministry, and jump-starting my writing career. I am not saying that endings don't hurt. As I wrote in Cry Me A River, it's going to hurt until it doesn't hurt any more. It still hurts, but a lot less than it did.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning. -- Ivy Baker Priest (former U.S. Treasurer)

More on finding closure

2007-10-09T18:30:00.000-04:00

I've spent weeks feeling sad, depressed and angry because the man that I'd been involved with disappeared without a trace. I've been upset because in choosing to walk away from the relationship without an explanation (a very cowardly choice, if I may say so), he was not giving me what I needed most - closure. Then at some point over the weekend it suddenly hit me... why on earth am I looking to someone else to give ME closure. At this point, what could he possibly say that would make the way he handled our break-up any more decent or thoughtful? Absolutely nothing. In fact, by not acting in a mature and respectful way, he said much more than words ever could. The emotional closure I needed was there all the time, it just wasn't coming from him. It came from me.

Once I finally stopped to ask myself exactly who I was crying over, I realized that I wasn't crying for the loss of a relationship that was, I was crying over a relationship that I wanted. I wasn't crying over the man I was dating, I was crying over the potential I saw in him. The man I was grieving over does not exist, he would never have ended a relationship this way. A man that could walk away without the decency of a good-bye is not the man for me anyway. So as much as it hurt, he did me a favor... and once I realized that, a sense of closure wasn't far behind.

Despite the fact that the relationship didn't turn out the way I'd hoped it would, I am still thankful for the time we had together. Because he was unlike any man I've ever dated before, and because he was the first man I've dated since coming to terms with my depression/bipolar disorder/whatever it is that I have, I had the opportunity to put into practice a lot of what I've been thinking about and working on for quite some time now. Realizing how I often sabatoged my personal relationships in the past, I worked hard to be consciously aware so that I could make better choices this time. And I did. I'm not perfect, but I did it right this time. That proved to me that I've finally learned the lessons that I needed to learn from my prior failed relationships and that I'm emotionally ready to move on.

I believe that he came into my life to make me stronger emotionally and he has. He's also raised the bar in terms of the kind of man that I'll date moving forward and the firmness with which I'll set boundaries. And I am so thankful for that.

He has helped me learned more than he could have imagined, and perhaps more than he'd planned. To sum it all up:

I can only own my own issues. I can't be responsible for anybody elses issues but my own. No matter how much I want to help, just as I need to learn my own lessons, the other person has to learn theirs too. And when it comes to issues, we all have them and there are more than enough to go around. It's critical that when issues arise, I clearly identify those that are mine, deal with them as best I can, and leave the others to their rightful owner(s).

Accept things as they are, not as I'd like them to be. I've always had a tendency to fall in love with a person's (or a job's) potential. I dream big dreams and pride myself on being able to look beyond the current state of affairs and see the possibilities. That may be sound advice for young couples right out of school, but when we're talking about grown men in their 40's or 50's, chances are pretty good that they've already become the men that they're going to be. Of course people can and do change at all ages, but they have to really want to, and not everybody does. So, "what you see is what you get" needs to be my new dating mantra and I need to assume that he's already being all he can be.

Find clarity through contrast. This exercise from The Law of Attraction is an important part of learning the lesson. What better way to figure out what I really want than identifying what I don't want? Rather than thinking of the time spent in this relationship as time wasted, I think of it as a learning experience on a lot of different levels. In this case, thinking about what worked this time, and what didn't, can only help me become clearer about what I'm ultimately looking for in a relationship. And the clearer I am about my desires, the more likely I am to manifest them in my life.

Always take the high road. There have been so many times during the last several weeks when it would have been easy to lash out in anger or pain for the way we broke up. But, I'm proud of the way I conducted myself throughout the course of our relationship and there's no reason to change now. Obviously he can't see, or does not appreciate, all that I had to offer... if he did, he wouldn't have walked away from our relationship or from our friendship the way he did. But I don't believe it will always be that way. At some point, it could be weeks, months or years from now, he will look back on the time we spent together. And when he does, I want him to remember that I handled the end of our relationship with as much class and grace as I handled every other aspect of it. That, to me, will be my greatest "revenge".

Finding closure

2007-10-06T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've been grieving over the loss of a relationship for the past 6 weeks or so. I could have chosen to fight the constantly fluctuating, complicated and confusing mix of emotions, denying that once again I opened the door to my heart, only to have it slammed shut. I could have chosen to be embarrassed by my tears, my loss of appetite or my inability to do much more than curl up on the sofa and watch movies for hours on end. I could have chosen to deny how much I've been hurt by the situation. But I didn't choose any of those things. This time I chose to face the pain, to struggle through it, to ride the wave.

I've been through the first 4 stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, depression - several times. I wrote a while ago that I was going to hurt until I don't hurt anymore. Well, it still hurts, but not as much as it did at first. So even though I'm not completely over it yet, at least I'm heading in the right direction.

In thinking about this break-up, it hurts for many reasons, but the thing that hurts the most is that there was no closure. We just hit a wall... no explanation, no discussion, no nothing. To this day, we have yet to have a conversation about what happened or why. I've let him know that the door is open when he's ready to talk, but I draw the line at begging him to talk to me, even if it is only to explain why he walked away. I have some pretty good ideas, but I may never know for certain.

What I do know is that as much as I believe that our "relationship" I deserved a graceful ending, for now, the key word is "ending." Rather than continuing to focus on what hasn't been said, I need to accept that his silence has spoken volumes. I've run out of psycho-babble excuses for why he hasn't been able to verbalize his feelings (or lack thereof). I think I may buy a t-shirt that says "If something goes without saying... let it!"

The bottom line is that I've worked so hard to grow - emotionally and spiritually. I've done the hard work, and it hasn't been easy. And now that I have, I know that I deserve better than what I've gotten. I'm not perfect, but I'm a kind, thoughtful and loving person, and even if I haven't earned his love and trust, I deserve his respect. Apparently he doesn't agree, and that's his right. Just as it's my right to say that it's time for me to let go.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I'm not one for passing up an opportunity for personal growth, and this break-up has certainly provided that. I'll post about some of the things I've learned next time.

(to be continued...)

What is?

2007-10-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

According to Irish philosopher Bishop George Berkeley, "to be is to be perceived." In other words, something exists only if someone perceives it. If asked the infamous question "if a tree fell in the woods and no one was there to hear it, would it make a sound?", Berkeley would probably have said "No."

So, here's my question: If a relationship between two people ends, but there's only one person there to grieve the loss, was it really a relationship?

"I" is for introvert

2007-09-29T18:45:00.000-04:00

For the last few days I've been exploring the subject of Meyer-Briggs character and temperament types. I first learned of them in the early 90's when my entire department was tested during an off-site work retreat. The goal was to foster a better understanding of not only our own temperament, but that of our co-workers as well. I won't go into details about the theory or the various types here, but there is a ton of information on-line. If you're interested, you can google "Meyers-Briggs" or "MBTI". It really is fascinating stuff.

I am an "INFJ", which in Meyers-Briggs-speak is Introverted INtuitive Feeling Judging. I love consistency, and my temperament has remained consistent over the 15 or so years since I first took the test. What's interesting though is that over the course of those years, I've taken the test several times and each time, these particular characteristics have grown stronger. For example, when I first tested, I scored only 51% on the introverted scale. Now my score on introversion is 78%!

Contrary to popular opinion, in the world of MBTI, introversion and extroversion have little to do with whether you talk a lot or are the life of the party. To some extent, it has to with how people process information - extraverts tend to "think out loud", while introverts tend to process information internally. It also has a lot to do with how you relate to people on an "energetic" level. One MBTI coach explained it to me by saying that when their emotional batteries need recharging, extroverts need to be around other people. Conversely, introverts' emotional batteries are more likely to be drained by prolonged interaction with people, and when they need recharging, they typically need time alone.

For as long as I can remember, I've always felt "different", somewhat out-of-place. If I believed in reincarnation, I'd presume that I'd lived a wonderful life in another space in time and that I felt more comfortable there than I do here. When I was assaulted and dealt with the aftermath of PTSD for years, I thought that explained it. Then, when I was diagnosed as bipolar, I knew that had to be the explanation. Except that even among the bipolar community, I'm quite different from most of the people I've met or read through their blogs.

But when I started reading about INFJs again over the past few days, time and time again I found myself saying "Yes! That's me!" Being an INFJ isn't necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, no more so than being a Pisces or a Virgo, but finally I see who I am - how I think and feel, in a "quantifiable" way. It's sort of like when you know you're not well, but you can't quite figure out what's wrong. There is something liberating about getting a diagnosis. Suddenly all of those seemingly unrelated symptoms begin to tie together and things start to make sense. That's how I feel about my MBTI temperment. I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that mine is the rarest of the 16 temperments, representing only about 1% of the population. Even that is comforting because it explains the isolation and sense of "differentness" that I often feel but could never quite articulate.

It was also validating for me to learn that INFJ's are usually extremely intuitive (I scored 75%). One INFJ profile noted the following: INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them...This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJ's are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it.". If you've been reading my recent posts, you know how timely that message is for me.

Quite a while back, Marja from Roller Coaster asked me to share more information about myself. I haven't done that yet, I'm not sure why, but I never forgot that she'd asked. Then there was another blogger who shall remain nameless who e-mailed me off-line shortly after I started this blog. After several e-mails, I mentioned that I was an African-American woman. We laughed until we cried when she admitted that when she'd first started reading my blog, she thought I was a white male - an incredibly sensitive one at that! So, now that I've read several different profiles on INFJ and have really had a chance to focus on "who" I am (as opposed to what I've done), I think I'm ready to share more of myself. If you're interested in learning more about me, I'll be posting to my About Me page soon.

A poem

2007-09-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

disconnected.

that's how i felt
when you turned off
the lights and
pulled the plug
on us.

no explanation.
no apologies.
no anything.
darkness falls.

shadows crept.
endless whispers.
thoughts went "bump"
in the darkness
of my heart.

confusion.
pain.
grief.
anger.
an endless parade
of emotions.
each searching
for answers.
none finding
any.

eyes slowly adjust
to darkness,
where once
there was light.

when the heart
no longer sees,
the mind's eye
learns braille.

clarity comes.
needs lose their
stronghold.
passions fade.
darkness isn't so dark
after all.

who's disconnected now?

Growing a spine

2007-09-27T12:40:00.000-04:00

I heard or read somewhere a long time ago that depression is anger turned inside. If that's true, then I've been a pretty angry woman for much of my life. I don't think I ever really learned how to express my anger in healthy ways, so it usually festered inside until it either went away or I exploded.

I don't know what made today different, but it was. I was treated rudely - AGAIN - by a co-worker who apparently doesn't consider me one of her favorite people. I can't blame my reaction on being bipolar because I felt perfectly fine before the run-in and after my cool-down time-out. I can't blame it on PMS because thank God I've had a hysterectomy. Maybe it was today's peculiar alignment of the sun, moon and stars, I don't know. All I know is that instead of directing my anger inside, I directed it where it needed to be.

I'm not a wrestling fan, but it was reminiscent of a WWE Smackdown, if I may say so myself. I was professional, measured and focused, but there was no doubt that I was righteously indignant. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't utter a single foul word, and I even resisted the powerful urge to jump over the woman's desk and give her an old-fashioned beat-down!

By the drumbeat of my heart as I made my dramatic exit from her building, I'd say that I got my aerobic exercise for the week and a quick glance in the mirror afterwards confirmed a pleasant rosy glow on my cheeks. I thought I'd be steaming over this all day, but I'm not. It's done. I've said what I needed to say. I made the point abundantly clear that I WILL NOT tolerate this kind of disrespect from her one moment longer and from this point forward, when she pushes me, I will push back. I can let it go now.

I can't say that I won't have another run-in with this person because I'm pretty sure I will. I don't necessarily expect her to change just because of this experience. But I can tell you that I've certainly changed because of it. Not only was standing up for myself not nearly as "awful" or as difficult as I thought it would be, but it actually felt great! My only question is why did it take me so long to realize that it's OK - not only OK, but healthy - to express my feelings, even the unpleasant ones? The key, of course, is choosing the battles and making sure that the defense is appropriate to the offense, and in this case it was.

So, after all these years of quietly seething in silence, I'm finally growing a spine.

Excellent advice for breaking up

2007-09-26T10:13:00.000-04:00

Breaking up sucks. There's no nice way to say it. Whether you're the breaker or the breakee, breaking up is hard and it usually hurts like hell. But my guess is that what makes most break-ups so painful is not the dissolution of the partnership as much as the way it's handled. I'm not sure why, but it seems that leaving gracefully, showing at least a semblence of courtesy, dignity, respect and concern for the other party is something that people seem to really have trouble with. Perhaps it's fear, or apathy, or pride, or embarassment that causes previously thoughtful and loving people to become apathetic, inconsiderate, unkind, or perhaps worst of all - to disappear without a trace.

I was talking to a friend last night who is known for giving great dating advice. I think she outdid herself this time though. We were talking about the difficulty that people have breaking up, and she said that she's figured out how to make it painstakingly simple for a guy who's not interested in seeing her any more to let her know. She said that she'd picked a "break-up song" and when she's dated a guy long enough to care if the relationship ends, she gives him a copy of the song and tells him that if he decides he doesn't want to see her anymore, and can't bring himself to tell her, then call her and play the song and she'll "get it."

I know, it sounds rather sophomoric, but it never ceases to amaze me how people end up breaking up. In an ideal world, when a relationship is no longer working, the party who wants to leave would chose a quiet, private place and tell the other person how much they cherished the good times they spent together, thank them for all they've given to the relationship, and explain the reasons why the relationship is no longer working. Even if it has to do with the other person, there's got to be a kind way to point out the problems while at the same time preserving that person's dignity. And for God's sake, if it's not because of the other person, say that too. There's nothing more cowardly than letting another person believe they are responsible for unresolved issues that are yours, not theirs. Oh wait... there is one thing more cowardly than that... not saying anything at all. When it comes to breaking up, no news is definitely not good news. If you cared enough for a person to become involved in a relationship with them, then no matter what went wrong, you should care enough about them to end it in an honest and decent way.

Sadly, this is not an ideal world and as long as people (and in my case, men) have such a hard time breaking up gracefully, I'm going to make it easy. The next time (if there is a next time) that I date a man, if he can't give it to me straight, I'm going to give it to him easy. I'm going to burn a CD of my break up song for him. When he's ready to bolt, all I ask is that he pick up the phone, dial my number, put the phone down near the speaker and play my song. Trust me, I'll get the message. Now, it can't get any easier than that!

How did we ever survive without Google? Pick your favorite break-up song here.

Outsmarting depression (Part 2)

2007-09-22T06:30:00.000-04:00

I can't recall a single time that I was feeling fine and all of a sudden, with no warning, I hit a wall and was suddenly depressed. Instead, something happens - usually something big, something that elicits a huge emotional response. After the initial shock wears off, I feel as if the emotional life has been sucked out of me. For a brief period, there is nothingness. Then I start to think about what happened, replay it over and over in my mind, ruminate on it. This is the time when the harmful emotions that I equate with depression tend to creep in. I feel alternating waves of anger, sadness, bitterness, grief, loss, isolation, sadness, pessimism, hopelessness, the list goes on. The more I ruminate, the worse I feel.

The odd thing is that until recently, I thought that this was all a natural part of depression, and that I had no control over how I'd feel or for how long, which as you can imagine, only leads to more feelings of hopelessness and despair. But now I've begun to seriously question the assumption that there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the downward spiral that causes me so much pain.

The last few times I've felt a depressive episode looming, I've noticed the point at which I start to feel the life being sucked out. I know this is a woefully inept way of explaining it, but hopefully it makes sense. Intellectually I decided that if I could just fill that empty space with positive, productive feelings, there wouldn't be as much room for the negative feelings to grab hold and multiply like a virus.

While I know this may sound painstakingly simplistic, it's not. When I'm depressed, even a little bit, my thinking becomes cloudy and on some days I probably couldn't think my way out of a paper bag. Knowing that, I recognize that choosing to replace my negative feelings with more positive ones would require a lot more than "thinking my way out of being depressed," which unfortunately, all too many people who've never been depressed seem to suggest I do. So, how did I do it? I'm so glad you asked.

Years ago, when I managed a small research unit in a Fortune 100 company, I decided that my team needed to institute something we called "Joy Breaks". On a frequent basis, particularly when we were stressed, overworked and up against a major deadline, we'd take a break - sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes a bit longer, just to do something fun to take our mind off of work for a while. Inevitably, we came back to work energized, with a renewed focus on the tasks at hand. But we learned early on that the key to making this work, particularly when the Joy Breaks were short, was to know ahead of time what kinds of things actually worked. There was nothing worse than spending the entire break time trying to figure out what you were going to do on your break!

Our individual and collective lists grew over time, and obviously there was variation among the group, but even taking the time to create our lists of Joy Breaks was a Joy Break in itself. Whether it was munching on microwave popcorn, going out for a quick ice cream cone, walking around the block on a sunny day, knitting for a few minutes or sharing funny stories about our weekend adventures, it was amazing what the Joy Breaks did for us, both individually and as a team.

So, I decided to apply the same approach to dealing with my depression. I recognized that the ony thing that would get rid of a negative feeling was to replace it with a positive one. I also realized that was nearly impossible to do if the negative feelings were allowed to take hold. So just as with Joy Breaks, I started thinking of things that make me happy, or at least calm and relaxed, when I wasn't depressed, so that when I start to feel bad, even if I can't THINK myself into feeling better, I can DO something that will make me FEEL better.

I'm sure such a list would vary wildly from one person to the next, and it should. My list is still growing, but here are some of the things that work for me:

listening to music that I love (I'm working on burning some mood-busting CDs of my favorite songs)

playing the piano (my Mom says that when I was a child, she could always tell when I was stressed, because I'd continue to play the piano long after my hour-a-day practice session was over) - I even bought new sheet music this week and had my piano tuned!

looking at photographs (some of my own as well as others) - there are some amazing digital photo galleries and blogs online

taking pictures with my digital camera

aromatherapy (candles, diffusers, essential oils, bubble bath/shower gels)

watching great movies, sometimes a comedy works and believe it or not, sometimes a really good tear-jerker does the trick

going to a favorite place (the beach, the river, the park, an art gallery)

long, hot bubble baths by candlelight with a glass of wine (or two)

blogging (the act of writing my way through my feelings is incredibly therapeutic for me)

In reviewing my list, I had to smile at an obvious irony. While I could blame my depressive bipolar tendencies for creating the circumstance that makes this list necessary, I can also celebrate my creative bipolar tendencies that make this list work for me.

It's really hard for me to stay depressed when I'm doing the things on my list. When one doesn't work, I try another, and another, until I find those that work at that particular time. And, unlike most of the meds I've tried, when I do the things on my list, there are no distasteful or worrisome side effects! (No, I am NOT suggesting that you stop taking your meds if you're taking any!)

So, why not create a list that works for you? Then, the next time you start to hear that loud sucking sound, give your list a try. It certainly can't hurt you, and it just might even help! If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Outsmarting depression (Part 1)

2007-09-20T17:05:00.000-04:00

I'm working on a theory about bipolar and depression disorders. The traditional view seems to be that emotions are a symptom, or a by-product, of the disorders. However, for me, emotions seem to be at the crux of the matter, not the other way around.

Unlike many people with bipolar or depression who have episodes that are tripped by an often unknown switch, at any time, I can trace every serious depressive and hypomanic episode to a specific situation that was occurring at the time. In every instance, these "triggers" resulted in a rush of emotions, feelings that would normally be expected given the situation. The emotions in and of themselves were not the problem and in fact, would probably have represented a healthy response to the circumstance at the time. However, it was the overabundance of emotions which, when unfiltered and unchecked, led to an episode.

Could it be that the biochemical processes that cause bipolar disorder and depression disorders involve a massive overdose of emotion and/or that they significantly reduce or retard our mind's natural abilities to regulate sensory perception of these emotions?

I am not dismissing the existence of a biochemical process at the heart of bipolar/depression. I think certain people are born with a predisposition to developing these disorders and when this predisposition is coupled with some sort of emotional and/or physical trauma, it's no wonder that the smoldering cauldron of feelings eventually overflows. I think the process is similar to that of people who are predisposed to, and eventually manifest, cancer, diabetes or heart disease.

What I am saying is that maybe, just maybe, if we accept the possibility that our emotions, our feelings, are critical to the equation... and if we can accept at least partial responsibility for our emotions (even if we don't feel we can control the intensity with which we feel them), then perhaps we can fight some of the negative aspects of these disorders and minimize the disruption they cause in our lives.

When I'm depressed, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. My energy, my ability to perceive happiness or pleasure, and even the vividness with which I can see colors changes. An emotional vacuum is created, and because nature abhors a vacuum, emotions must come from somewhere to fill the void.

In the past, logic, reason, intuition and my sense of spiritual connection have automatically been replaced by hopelessness, pessimism, apathy, anger, self-blame and self-pity. I don't consciously choose to feel these things - it's as if they are my "default" feelings when depression sets in.

So, finally recognizing this pattern of dark thoughts filling the vacuum, I began to wonder what would happen if I made a conscious choice to fill the void with other, more positive and productive feelings. Could I change the predictable course of my depression by taking my mind off of emotional cruise-control and taking control of the wheel, the accelerator and the brakes?

I've been writing lately about the process of reflection I'm going through as I deal with a very difficult personal situation - one that in times past would have sent me flying head-first into the deep, dark abyss of depression. But this time it hasn't. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it hard fighting the depression? Affirmative. But the important this is that I am fighting it and so far, I'm winning.

Next up, I'll share what I'm doing. If there are others who'd be willing to try a similar approach, I'd love to know if you find it helpful, it certainly can't hurt.

(to be continued...)

Cry me a river

2007-09-15T12:48:00.000-04:00

Faith may be a verb, but it's no picnic. In fact, some days it downright hard. Today is one of those days. Some days, even when we believe in our hearts that we're on the right path, it still hurts like hell to stay there. On days like today I understand why it's so easy to slip back into old, unhealthy patterns and make the same poor choices that we made in the past... because they're easier. They're familiar. Right or wrong, good or bad, they've become part of our comfort zone. And whether we want to face it or not, sometimes it's less scary to face the known, even if we don't necessarily like it, than to step out on faith into unchartered territory.

As I wrote in yesterday's post, I've chosen a path, and until I'm led to do something different, I'm committed to staying the course. Admittedly, though I've been praying for incontrovertible proof that I'm on the right track, I haven't received it yet. The only thing I can say is that as long as I focus on the path I've chosen - the process, not the outcome - I feel a subtle sense of peace. But the minute I start thinking about what others would advise me to do in this situation, or about how weak or stupid they would think I am if they knew, I start to feel anxious and confused.

Today I've come to terms with the reality that the path I've chosen is not going to be easy, and the outcome is completely unknown, but the journey is part of my life lesson. The act of taking responsibility for my decision does not mean that I must ignore the emotional realities that come with it. This situation hurts. I'm confused and I'm sad. And I will be until I'm not anymore. So, I've decided today that I'm going to face my pain, embrace it, let it take it's course and hopefully, over time, it will lessen, or at least become more manageable.

This morning I cried. I don't mean that I shed a tear or two. I mean I cried, like a baby. There I said it! I cried. And afterwards, I felt better. I felt lighter, as if a load had been lifted. And I guess, in a way, it had. Studies have been conducted that seem to affirm the notion that the act of crying can be cathartic. Many people say that they feel better after having a good cry. I know I do. So why is society so hard on those of us who cry to release our pain, sadness and anger. If crying is healing, why is crying considered a weakness and why aren't more people doing it?

For those of us living with bipolar or depression issues, I think this question of to cry or not to cry is an important one. I think it's safe to say that many of us experience intense emotions to a much greater degree than the general population, so I think it's also safe to say that both the need and/or desire to cry is probably more frequent and intense for us as well. Of course, there are times when it's probably not appropriate to start bawling uncontrollably (like at work, or a first date (more on this later), or in the check-out line at Wal-Mart). But if we experience a greater than "normal" need to cry, but don't because we're afraid or ashamed to, where do those tears go?

Biochemist William Frey has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. One amazing discovery of his team's research is that crying may actually help a person to deal with emotional problems. "Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and they feel worse by suppressing their tears. Dr. Frey's research compared tears caused by irritants such as onions with tears caused by emotion and concluded that crying is "an excretory process which removes toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress." Conversely, the researchers also found that "suprressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems and peptic ulcers." To read more about Dr. Frey's research, click here.

In a very interesting article entitled The Healing Power of Tears, Paula Becker writes that

Our tears of sadness or hurt reflect the fears and scars that we spend a lifetime hiding. They are visible evidence of our vulnerability to life. Tears have been equated with weakness because they reveal the soft spots of our soul, and can make us feel unprotected. Deciding whether to stay strong and hold it all together, or let go and show our tears without restraint is not the question...What is most important is that we find a way to honor the truth of our feelings and listen to the call of our heart. We are learning through science what we may have known in our bones for centuries. Tears are a way to mend the pain and suffering of life. Tears of joy and sorrow, tears of awe and pride can make life richer, giving us a natural expression of the pool of emotions that flows through our being.

I've decided to dedicate this weekend to honoring the "call of my heart." I'm gonna cry until I can't cry any more. And then I'm going to watch one of the great tear-jerker movies, My Life, starring Michael Keeton and Nicole Kidman, and I'm gonna cry some more. I made the mistake of choosing this movie as a first date out with a guy whose name I can't recall. I cried so uncontrollably through the entire movie that I thought we were going to be thrown out of the theater. Poor guy, I can only imagine what he thought of me, but I never found out because I was so embarrassed by my crying that I never saw him again.

I'm off now to get ice cream and tissues before hunkering down with my favorite "blankie" for my marathon weepfest. Funny thing is that I'm feeling a little better already!

Faith is a verb

2007-09-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

While I exhibit many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, I'm not sure if I meet the technical criteria for the diagnosis. I share the moniker of being called "medical mystery" with my mother. We both have a history of being routinely misdiagnosed. Whether it's having some, but not all of the key symptoms, or responding to medications in the exact opposite ways that doctors would expect based on the diagnosis, Mom and I both share the frustration of never being really sure what's going on with our bodies, or how exactly to fix them.

But when it comes to sharing many of the characteristics of bipolar disorder, whether I tecnically have "it" or not, I've chosen not to consider that a death sentence. Of course, there are days that it may feel like it, but there are many days when I appreciate the heightened sensitivity, empathy, creativity and energy that are the brighter colors in the bipolar palette.

I've chosen to broaden my personal definition of "bipolar". For me, having a bipolar component to my personality/biochemistry means more than merely the existence of varying emotions spanning much of the length of the emotional spectrum. It also reflects what I believe to be a rather unique ability that I believe I share with many others who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, namely, the ability to view situations, objects, people and circumstances from multiple, and often opposing, points of view.

To me, it's no surprise that a significant percentage of people who are considered creative and/or artistic have also been diagnosed with bipoloar disorder. After all, what is creativity other than the ability to perceive and articulate everyday things in ways that are different from the ways that most people perceive them? The most successful writers are those that can describe a scene or a feeling that we've experienced, but in ways more eloquent than we ever could. Great artists and photographers similarly take every day images that we may have seen a thousand times, and capture just the right play of light or shadow, or touches of color, that transform the mundane into the spectacular.

I believe that many with a bipolar-type worldview are blessed, and maybe sometimes cursed, with the ability to perceive the same situation in entirely different ways. Sometimes, particularly before we are diagnosed, I believe that many of us bring to a situation the perspective that most closely mirrors our mood at the time. If we are depressed, the proverbial glass is nearly empty. If we are hypomanic, the glass is more than half full. And if we are manic, I'd imagine that the glass is overflowing.

But as we become more educated about bipolar disorder, depression and the ways in which they distort our perceptions, hopefully we are also learning how to compensate and course-correct our thinking and our responses in light of, and in spite of, how we're feeling at the time. For me, part of this process involves making a conscious effort to evaluate situations, particularly difficult ones, within the context of my spiritual faith. My "feelings" may change, from one point in time to the next, but when I take the time to think clearly about it, and more importantly to pray about it, the spiritual view of that situation remains constant.

When faced with a difficult choice, my brain defaults to trying to logically assess all of the options and develop a statistically robust cost-benefit analysis of each. Since of course I'm never privy to all of the information needed to make the "correct" choice with 100% accuracy and confidence, this process of trying to reason my way into the right decision is exhausting, in more ways than one. But, when I consciously choose to force my rational mind to take a back seat to my heart, the energy of the situation changes. Now, by "heart", I don't mean the emotional and hopelessly romantic part of me. I mean the spiritual, "ultimate truth" part of me - the part of me that desires to live a life that is consistent with my spiritual values and beliefs. When my spiritual heart takes over, something amazing happens, the choice becomes clear and although it's not always the easier choice, I know in my gut that it's the "right" choice, at least for me, at that time in my life.

Getting to this point hasn't been easy though. Because the "right" choice can't be judged by what I think is "right" for me, today, in this moment, given my severely limited view of the ultimate plan and purpose for my life. The right choice has to be viewed from the perspective of God's plan for my life. As a result, a choice may be the right one ultimately, although it may not result in me getting what I wanted at the time. Garth Brooks figured this out in his song that acknowledges that "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

So what this ultimately boils down to is making a choice, a commitment, to a course of action based on faith. I think that secularists have popularized the notion that faith is the act of believing strongly in something for which there is no (or not much) evidence. I don't believe that. While there may not be evidence to support a particular choice or point of view in isolation, I believe that those of us who exercise our faith muscles regularly acknowledge that our lives are full of evidence that God exists, and that evidence manifested in one area naturally transcends into all areas of our life. In discussing the definition of "faith", Conservapedia says that "no person in scripture described as being 'of faith' believed without evidence. They all had signs, miracles, and the word of God, and were faithful in their trust in God to keep his commitments, as well as their own commitment to keep their commitments to God."

My faith is being tested now in two very different situations - one involves a job (and possibly a career) change and the other involves a point of crisis in personal relationship that is very important to me. In both cases, I find myself defying "conventional wisdom" and pursuing a path, and a timetable, that is contrary to what many people might expect. To be honest, the path I've chosen to take with respect to my personal life is even contrary to what my rational mind would dictate. When I fall into old habits of putting on my rational hat, I find myself becoming anxious, confused angry, overwhelmed and scared. I second-guess myself and wonder if my friends and colleagues are right and that I'm going about this the wrong way. But when I take a deep breath, quiet down my mind and pray about the situation, the anxiety and the fear subsides and sense of calm and peace rolls over me.

Does this mean that I know the outcome of the situation? Absolutely not. I wish I did, but I won't know it until I'm living in the midst of it. Does it mean that I'm confident that I'm going to get what I think it is that I want? Negative. What it does mean is that I've chosen to PUSH (pray until something happens) and I faithfully believe that I will know what to do when it's time to do it. I'm human, and I'd be lying if I didn't have some idea of how I'd like the situation to turn out. But in choosing to PUSH, I've chosen to commit to the process, not to a specific outcome. And in so doing, I am absolutely convinced that no matter how the situation turns out, the end game will be to my ultimate benefit. I don't know who Sherwood Eddy was (is), but I agree that "Faith is not trying to believe something regardless of the evidence; faith is daring something regardless of the consequences."

So, for now I'm going to proudly wear my spiritual hat while I'm PUSHing. I'm going to focus on the realization that faith is not a thing. It's an act... a verb. I'm going to take the advice of Benjamin Franklin who said that "The way to see by faith is to shut the Eye of Reason." And on those difficult days, which are sure to come, I'm going to remind myself that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey. And by consciously and purposefully embracing the path I've chosen, regardless of the outcome, I can only become a better person because of it.

God knows

2007-09-09T19:00:00.001-04:00

I've been contemplating writing about spirituality and bipolar disorder for months now, but for a number of reasons, I haven't done it yet. That said, I did want to reply to Laurie who responded to a recent post. Click here to read my post and her response in their entirety.

My first thought was to respond to Laurie off-line, but because her question is one that I struggle with, and that I'd imagine many believers struggle with too, I decided to reply publically. In her comment, Laurie says...

"I just feel as if, since my diagnosis, and a few other life-changing events around the same time– all triggers, apparently– I have really struggles with my faith in God. I still go to church, and I still believe He exists, and I still think I’m saved….I am just really having a hard time with some of my actions and reactions that occurred while in the midst of manic or depressive episodes, and the behavior I ought to be exhibiting as a believer. You know what i mean? And the recurring failures to live as such, because of my behavior during those episodes."

Dear Laurie,

First, thank you for your honest and obviously heart-felt comments. I'm not sure that I'm the right person to try to answer this. I would suggest that you discuss this with a pastor or some other spiritual mentor whose advice you trust. But, as one Christian to another, I can share with you my humble thoughts on this.

First, I do understand exactly what you're saying and I struggle with these issues too. I'd imagine that most (if not all) Christians who struggle with serious health issues share your concerns. To be honest, I'd be a little worried if they didn't. I've known people of what I consider to be "great faith"who have questions and doubts about their relationship with God in times of great challenge. I'm reminded of Job and countless others in the Bible who wondered why God allowed bad things to happen. Even Jesus cried out in anguish as he was dying on the cross. Asking God "why?" or "why me?" is not sacriligious. It's human.

I'd argue that as long as we're still having conversations with God, even if they're not all about sweetness and light, that's evidence that we have an intimate relationship with Him. Remember, no problem or concern is too big or too small for Him. He wants us to bring Him our concerns. He may not give us the answers we want, when we want them, but that's not really the point. It's not about receiving all the answers, it's about having faith that there ARE answers, and that God is in control, even when we can't understand what He's doing in our lives or why.

As for guilt about actions and reactions that you're not proud of during times of illness, I understand what you're saying about that too and have spent years feeling the same way. We've all done things that we're not proud of, whether we're bipolar or not. I think I've finally come to understand a few important things about this: (1) God knows better than anyone about the emotional issues that we're dealing with. He understands the symptoms, how they manifest in each of us, and most importantly, He knows our hearts; (2) there's nothing that we've done that God can't or won't forgive us for if we sincerely ask him; (3) none of us are perfect, and God doesn't expect us to be - I believe that my mother echoed God's sentiments when I was growing up. She used to say that all she ever wanted was for me to do my very best... nothing more and nothing less. That's all that God wants from us too. Once we ask Him, God has forgiven us. Now it's up to us to forgive ourselves. And that's not always easy. I have a 2-part post on forgiveness ((part 1) (part 2)) that you may want to read.

And when all else fails, think about all of the inappropriate behaviors that we see all around us every day. I can guarantee you that there are people who're doing everything "wrong" that you think you've done, and probably much much worse, and they DOEN'T have bipolar disorder. I think I've seen a t-shirt somewhere that says something like "At least I'm bipolar. What's your excuse?" :)

I don't know if my reply has answered your question or not. But hopefully it's let you know that you are not alone. And if you don't believe me, visit Marja's blog. She lives with bipolar disorder too, and she writes beautifully, and often, about spiritual issues. In fact, she's working on a model for faith-based mental health support groups in churches. Great stuff!

Thanks for visiting and please come back!

Blessings,
Sydney

In search of sleep

2007-09-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

There are several different types of insomnia. I think I have every single one of them. On most nights I have difficulty falling asleep, and every single night I wake up countless times during the night. As if that wasn't bad enough, I wake up very early - usually between 2:30 and 3:30 every morning, no matter what time I went to sleep. Sometimes I'm able to fall back into a fitful sleep, but the only time that I really sleep soundly is in the 30 minutes before it's time to get up in the morning. Then, the proverbial icing on the cake, which I've only discovered in the past year, is that I get practically no Stage 3, Stage 4 or REM sleep. Unfortunately for me, those are precisely the stages of deep sleep that the body and mind need to restore and heal themselves.

Of course, having a brain that can't quiet down long enough to get the rest it needs is bad enough. Add to that the fact that this same brain also "forgets" to tell my lungs to breathe several times each hour (a serious and potentially life-threatening condition known as "sleep apnea"). So, when it comes to subject of sleep, I'm screwed.

For the past year, since being diagnosed with sleep apnea, I have slept each night with a machine that forces air through my nose and mouth into my airway to keep it from collapsing and causing a restriction of oxygen flow while I sleep. While I am thankful for the assistance, unfortunately, the process does not involve one of those little innocuous-looking clear plastic cannulas that you may have seen used to administer oxygen to a patient in a hospital. No, that would make things way too easy. Imagine instead the mask that fighter pilots wear in movies like Top Gun. Better still, take a look at a mask like the one I wear every night. Imagine having to nod in agreement when your boyfriend says "May The Force Be With You" before you go to sleep at night. Now, you've got the picture!

While a year of nightly therapy has reduced the average number of times I stop breathing in an hour from more than 50 to less than a dozen, the number is still too high. But I finally have a medical team that is in the process of getting that part of the equation figured out. What's become much more of a medical mystery is the insomnia. Despite treating the sleep apnea and the depression, along with trying virtually every prescription and over-the-counter medicine, aromatherapy, herb and supplement, or relaxation technique, and several in various combinations, none have worked for long in alleviating my insomnia. When I'm feeling hypomanic, this is a symptom that's barely noticeable and not at all troublesome. But, since I'm very rarely hypomanic, it's a major problem.

Recently Marja wrote a beautiful post about sleep in which she shared the following quote from a book called "The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring the Sabboth", by Mark Buchanan, that says that sleep is: "...a relinquishment. It is a self-abandonment: of control, of power, of consciousness, of identity. We direct nothing in our sleep. We master nothing. We lose ourselves and are carried like children or prisoners into a netherworld alternately grotesque and idyllic, carnivalesque and elysian. In sleep we become infants again: utterly vulnerable, completely defenseless, totally dependent. Out of control."

If this intrigues you as it did me, I would encourage you to read the rest of the quote and Marja's post in its entirety, because it is a very moving, and loving, and comforting piece on sleep as an act of total faith in God. And I agree. But in actuality, what does that say for me? Does it mean that because I can't sleep that I don't have faith in God? I would certainly hope not. Even though some days my faith feels as tiny as a mustard seed, God tells us that that's enough. So I don't think that's the issue for me.

But at the urging of my dear friend Susan, it's time to shift my focus from illness to wellness. She's asked me a series of tough questions about when my insomnia started, what triggered it, when it seems most severe, and what, if anything, seems to help, even if just a little bit. Pondering those questions in the context of the quote that Marja shared may prove to be a helpful exercise.

I'm writing about this now as I'm about to sign off to head out to spend yet another seemingly endless night in a sleep lab for my fourth sleep study in 18 months. For the first time though, I'll be spending tomorrow at the sleep lab as well for a different set of tests to attempt to rule out narcolepsy. I will also have the opportunity to spend time with the technician who will be conducting the studies and analyzing the results. She has agreed to sit down with me to discuss all 5 tests to try to get a better handle of what's going on. I do expect to have quite a bit of "down time" tomorrow when I'll be awake, and being "tested", but not actively engaged with the researchers. Perhaps I'll use some of that time to work on Susan's homework assignment.

(to be continued...)

A real-time exercise in forgiveness

2007-09-08T19:45:00.000-04:00

I love books. I have bookshelves full of them, many of which I've never read. Whenever a book catches my eye, I buy it. But rarely do I read it right away. For some reason that I can only describe as "divine synchronicity", I am led to read certain books at the exact time in my life when I need to read it most.

That happened again this week as I prayed for understanding, guidance and peace of mind over the incident I wrote about in my last post. I was led to read a book that I've had for well over 10 years, but had never even opened, The Color Complex by Kathy Russell, Midge Wilson and Ronald Hall. In it, I recognized the situation I struggled with earlier this week as a classic example of "intraracial discrimination". I'd never heard the term before, but it definitely fits.

The book discusses in great detail the history of race relations in America, but not from the traditional perspective of white vs. black. Instead, it focuses on black vs. black perspectives on the long-term psychological, cultural and political consequences of generations of sexual relations (some consensual, but many quite violent) between whites and blacks (and Native American Indians) that have resulted in a plethora of skin tones, facial features and hair textures within the African-American community.

I was looking for validation of the emotional pain and isolation that I have suffered as a light-skinned black woman at the hands of my darker brothers and sisters. And I found it. But I also found painstakingly vivid stories about life on the other side.

While I'm not yet emotionally mature enough to completely overlook what was said to me a few days ago, I am intellectually mature enough to admit that on some level, I have a much better understanding of the deep-rooted psychological pain behind it, and much more.

As much as I was hurt by the exchange, my conscious decision to try to understand the deeper motivations and implications have caused me to realize that I'm not the only one who is hurting. I'm only beginning to comprehend the intensity of the pain this person must live with on a daily basis that could have caused this to happen in the first place. Perhaps more importantly, through prayer, research and a lot of careful consideration of the events and conversations leading up to this one, I realize that my skin color was not the real issue anyway. I'm sure it's lurking in there somewhere, but the real issues go much deeper. I read somewhere ages ago that all emotions can be boiled down to two: love or fear. In this case, it's both.

After my initial feelings of shock and pain subsided a bit, I decided that to be angry about this would be counter-productive and unhealthy for me. If I let it, this would surely trigger another depressive episode, something I'm working hard to avoid. So, I decided that I have to do something to transform this burst of negative energy into something positive. Then I remembered my recent posts on the power of perspective. I was able to recognize that this is not my issue, although it involves me directly. Finally being able to step out of the way and refuse to take personal responsibility for something that is not mine, gave me the freedom to choose how, or if, I wanted to focus the energy that is still undeniably entertwined in the situation.

I decided that instead of being angry with this person, I needed to pray for him. I know that may sound hokie to some, but it's been unbelievably helpful. I still feel an almost overwhelming sense of sadness (empathy?), but it's not directed internally. I feel sad for him, not pity, but a sincere and heartfelt sadness for his pain, which in turn only motivates me to pray for him even more.

Interestingly, I'm not praying for God to restore our relationship. If that's part of His plan, it will happen. Only time will tell. But for now, I pray for God's peace for this person. I pray that God will relieve him of the painful memories that haunt him. And I pray that God will soften his heart so that he can someday be able to truly love someone and accept their love as well.

I guess you could say that I'm practicing forgiveness in real-time for a change. I must admit that it's much easier when the pain is fresh. This way I don't have week, months or years of anger and resentment to cut through in order to deal with the real issues. I can honestly say that the process has been cathartic and I really do feel better. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

What does it mean to be "black enough?"

2007-09-05T19:00:00.000-04:00

Today I found myself at the receiving end of a racial slur. It wasn't the first from this person, but because it was someone that I care deeply about, and the opening salvos appeared to have been said in jest, I did my best to let it slide. But today was different. The remark was not said jokingly, in fact it dripped with disgust, and it cut like a knife.

My feelings for this person not withstanding, the fact that the derogatory comment came from someone who is also black made it that much more painful. It brought back a string of memories from my teenage years growing up in a big city in the 70's.

I have no idea of the racial composition of the people who read this blog, but I'm sure what I need to say is going to offend someone. So, I'm imploring you, if you think you're going to get upset by reading this, PLEASE STOP. If race is an issue for you, as it is for many whether they can admit it or not, do us both a favor and move on. You know who you are and nothing I write about here will change you one bit. And believe it or not, I'm not trying to change anyone's opinions about anything, I just need to vent and since this is my blog, I've decided to do that here. If you're still with me, I'll proceed to my point.

I am what the Census Bureau would define as an "African-American." If you were to look at me, you'd assume that I was of African descent. But you might also assume that I have Caucasian ancestry as well. On both counts you would be correct. Technically speaking, I think it's fair to say that with this country's history of slavery, there are probably very few "African-Americans" born here who do not have at least some white blood coursing through their bloodline. I've never liked the term "African-American" because I don't think it clearly articulates who I am. Nor do I like the term "black" because that is not the color of my skin. But since I can't find a more suitable term at the moment, those old standards will have to do for now.

I was fortunate to have been born into a family of well-educated professionals. Both of my parents were present and both had good-paying jobs. We lived in a very nice neighborhood that most would consider upper-middle-class. At that time, I'd say ours was one of the few truly integrated neighborhoods in the city where I grew up. Everyone was educated, everyone was doing well, most had very nice homes, the children played together and went to school together. For the most part, race was a non-issue.

It wasn't until I went to a public middle-school in a different part of town that I began to realize that something was wrong. There were only a handful of white students in the school, and almost all of them had gone to the same elementary school that I did, so they were already my friends. The thought of tossing those friendships aside now that we'd moved to another school never occurred to me. But apparently it occurred to a lot of other people. I used to leave school in tears after seeing how my white friends had been treated by the black kids. The things I saw and heard just didn't reconcile with all I thought I knew about discrimination - basically that it was about white people hating black people. What I saw was the opposite and I just didn't understand why my white friends didn't fit in, or why I didn't either.

Somewhere between 7th and 8th grade, the answer became clear. I was told, on several occasions, that I would never fit in anywhere. More specifically, I believe the exact words were "You're too black to be white and you're too white to be black." I'd forgotten about those hurtful words, until recently.

My memories of this painful time in my life were reignited as Barack Obama's presidential campaign began to gather steam. Questions about whether Obama is "black enough" circulated in newspapers and cable news shows. And because the question appeared to be originating among the African-American community, many seemed honestly confused about what this question really meant. Sadly, I was not one of them, and neither was Nancy Giles when she wrote an essay in response to the question. But that association wasn't quite close enough to home, so I had the opportunity to deal with again on a much more personal level today.

While I try my best to avoid using the "race card" and I detest those who play it when it clearly is not a factor, I'd be hopelessly niave to suggest that we've reached the point of total racial equality. As much as I'd love to believe that we live in a color-blind society, we're simply not there yet - not as a whole. But I sincerely believe that there are people, individuals, who are color-blind and I'm proud to be able to call some of them my friends.

Having fought my way into (and out of) corporate America as a young, black woman in what had traditionally been an old, white male industry, I have seen more than my fair share of institutional racism. But although I will never condone it, part of me understood it. I knew who my adversaries were, I knew the rules of the game, and I knew that the stereotypes and assumptions that they made about me had nothing to do with me personally. They didn't look at me and see me, the person, they saw me, a black woman, who also happened to be well-educated, well-dressed, well-schooled, articulate, competent and in many cases, a legitimate professional threat. And when all else failed, I knew that there were others who were in this same boat with me and together we'd find a way to forge ahead.

But as painful, degrading and humiliating as institutional racism was (and is), it pales in comparison to personal racism. Why? Because when a person who knows me issues a racial slur, I can't let them off the hook by saying that if they knew me - the real me - they wouldn't say or believe those things. Someone who knows me well is supposed to know my integrity, my background, my world view, my character, my heart. And when a person can skip over all of those things and say words that are the grown-up equivalent of those words I heard in middle school... well, that breaks my heart.

But I'm a big believer in the truth, even when it hurts. I learned some truths about that person today. And here's my truth:

I can't change the color of my skin or my eyes any more than I can change the shape of my nose and my lips.

I didn't choose the family I was born into or the neighborhood my parents chose to raise their children in.

I can't help that I was born with a higher-than-average IQ and was blessed to be surrounded by family and other adult mentors who saw my potential and challenged me to excel academically.

I will not apologize for graduating first in my class from high school or for getting both college and graduate degrees.

I will not apologize for loving the English language and working hard at being able to speak and write articulately.

I will not pretend that I like, or can even decipher, much less comprehend or relate to the lyrics of rap, hip-hop, gangsta or any other "urban" music. I happen to prefer light jazz, contemporary Christian, salsa, county and some classical music.

I will not be a closet Republican, pretending to be a Democrat because that's what all black people are "supposed" to be. I was born and raised a Democrat, and have shamed my family in this regard, but am thankful that I live in a country where I can research the issues, decide where I stand, and vote accordingly.

I absolutely will not make excuses for ignorance, laziness or unacceptable behavior, regardless of the race of the perpetrator.

I will not deny those people who have been kind, generous, compassionate, and loving towards me, accepting me as I am, regardless of whether we share the same skin color or not.

So if you're still wondering if I'm black enough, the answer is that if you are one of the many misguided souls (either white or black) who believe that black people are "supposed" to look, act or feel a certain way, and you expect me to speak differently, look differently, think differently, vote differently, dress differently, date differently, or treat my friends, colleagues and strangers any differently than I do, than I guess the answer is "No." But please don't feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for you.

Just do it!

2007-09-05T13:00:00.000-04:00

Those three simple words carry a lot of weight. Advertising motivations aside, the total message behind that phrase is greater that the sum of its three parts. For me, "Just" means stop procrastinating or otherwise making excuses. "It" is intentionally non-specific, because sometimes what "it" is is not as important as doing it. Which leads to the last, and key word "Do", which clearly implies action.

Action is defined by Dictionary.com as: the process or state of being active; an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity; an exertion of power or force; effect or influence.

Living with depression often means being so emotionally and physically exhausted that action of any sort is the farthest thing from our minds. Yet, ironically, action of some sort is often just what we need to jump-start ourselves over the present roadblocks and to reclaim control over our minds and our moods.

Before I lose you, let me be very clear that by "action", I am not referring to physical exercise. While I know that many doctors recommend exercise as a "cure" for depression, I would argue that none of those doctors are actually depressed. If they had ever been, they'd know how absurd that suggestion is for those of us who can barely get out of bed or off the sofa to eat, got to work, and on some days, even to go to the bathroom.

What I am referring to is action, any action, no matter how small, that makes you feel even the slightest bit more powerful, more in control. For example, I've been stressed out about the disheveled state of my home office for months. Every day I mentally beat myself up for not getting in there and getting it cleaned up. I know I'd feel so much better if I did. But if I felt better than I do, it would have already been done. So, the vicious cycle repeats itself day after day.

The problem is not that I don't have the energy to reorganize my office. The problem is that I'm allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, forgetting that it doesn't have to be done all at one time. If the march of a million miles begins with a single step, then surely the race to reorganize my home office begins the same way. So, rather than focusing on the entire project, if I can focus on spending even a little bit of time on my office whenever I'm feeling up to it, I'll be further along than I have been. So today, I'll begin my journey. On the way home I'm stopping at the office supply and getting colorful filing supplies to make the project more fun. And I'm committing to 15 minutes a day to getting it organized. The key will be doing it as soon as I get home, before I realize how exhausted I am from another day at the office. It'll probably take a month to get it done, but that's a lot less than the 5 months that I've spent doing nothing but feeling guilty about doing nothing. And I know that before long (well before I'm done), I'll start to see signs of progress and I'll feel better about my office, my home, and most importantly, about myself.

The power of perspective (Part 2)

2007-08-27T15:45:00.000-04:00

For me, the primary trigger of both my depressions and my hypomanias is relationships. Whether it's a romantic relationship, family interaction, or relationships with co-workers, bosses or clients, relationships (or perhaps more accurately, my perception of those relationships) have brought great joy and tremendous pain.

When I reflect on my various "relational challenges" with honest eyes, I can see that though faces, places, circumstances and outcomes may have been vastly different, there was one common thread existing throughout - me. No matter where I went, or with whom, I was always there. Yes, I grew older, and in some ways wiser, but fundamentally, each situation was merely a variation on the same old and painful theme.

There are some who believe that God (or "the Universe" as some prefer) gives us the same lessons over and over again until we finally learn them. It's taken me far too long, and the costs have been great, but I think I've finally gotten it. With few exceptions (murder, incest, rape and other heinous crimes), events are not "good" or "bad". They just are. It's the way we perceive them that determines how they effect us and how we react in response. This may appear to be a trivial exercise in semantics, but it's far from that. It's HUGE! Why? Because we can't always change the circumstances we find ourselves in, we can't always predict or alter the way people treat us, but we CAN change how we chose to perceive those events. And therein lies the key!

I'm big on lists, so I can sum up the key points of my new outlook on relationships (of all types) as follows:

It's not always about me. Despite what I may want to think, everything is not about me. I do not have a monopoly on "issues". Just because someone is upset about something, even if I'm involved, it's not necessarily my issue. I'm finally learning to discern those issues which are mine and those that aren't. And as a result, I've been pleasantly surprised to discover that the less time and energy I waste on internalizing and trying to resolve someone else's issues, the more time and energy I have to devote to my own. I need to pick my battles. I used to respond to every issue, every insult, every slight, with equal indignation. Not only is this useless, but it's exhausting and totally counter-productive. Some issues, and some people, simply are not worth it. Period.

The devil is in the details. I used to spend countless hours ruminating over all of the miniscule details of all of the mistakes I've made. I'd go over them in my mind again, and again, and again. While I succeeded in making myself feel miserable, all my efforts did nothing to change the past, not even a little bit. Finally I realized that what's done is done and that what's important is not what happened, but what I learned from it. When I changed my persective on this, those "mistakes' lost their emotional chokehold and I'd even dare say that I now see even the really bad things as valuable learning experiences. The worse the tragedy I survived, the greater my resolve that I'm a survivor and that my life has purpose. After all, who better to help people who are hurting that someone who has been hurt?

Is it really "true"? This is a BIG one. One of the symptoms of being bipolar, at least for me, is that I sometimes perceive events through lenses distorted by my emotions. When I'm feeling depressed, the glass is more than half-empty, it's drained dry. When I'm feeling up, my glass runneth over. In the midst of the moment, my thought processes and my interpretation of the events at hand seem totally logical, but often in retrospect, I realize that the situation is rarely as bleak, or as rosy, as it appeared. Armed with this new-found knowledge, I've learned to rely on the advice of a few close friends whom I trust to be able to provide a clearer (or at least a different) perspective when I'm at risk of misinterpreting what's going on in my life. I've also learned to force myself to broaden my own perspective by asking myself some tough questions about the situation. Is what I'm thinking really true? If I believe that it is, how do I know that? More often than not, it's virtually impossible to know if the way we perceive a persons' feelings or their intentions are "true". So, if I can't be sure that what I'm reacting to is the truth, then perhaps it's not worth getting so upset about it. So, if I can't be sure that the perceived slight that I'm reacting to is "true", then there must be at least one other possible interpretation. What other possibilities could there be? I'm finding that even though I may not know what the ultimate correct answer to this emotional multiple choice question is, the fact that I can train myself to see more than one possible motivation makes mu much less like to get so bent out of shape about one, and that it turn makes life so much easier for me.

Sometimes it's better to be happy than right. I'm not always right, but I am a lot of the time (smile). In high school I was on the debate team and I loved it. Perhaps it's a latent desire to be a kick-ass attorney. I don't know. All I know is that I used to love being right, and believe me, I made sure everybody knew it. But as time goes by, I'm learning that being right isn't as important to me as it once was. Don't get me wrong, there are certain issues of integrity for which I won't budge. There are lines that I won't cross. But when it comes to the day-to-day stuff, I've decided that a lot of it really doesn't matter. The bottom line is that for the most part, I'd rather be happy than right. So if that means keeping my mouth shut sometimes, even when I know I'm right and can prove it, and I avoid an argument, a debate, or an unnecessary confrontation, that's not such a bad thing.

Perhaps I would have eventually figured out these lessons and all the others I'm learning had I not been diagnosed with BP. To be honest, I'm not even sure that the diagnosis is completely accurate. While I do have many of the symptoms, I am clearly atypical, both in terms of my symptoms and my responses to the medications. Just as with insomnia, systemic lupus, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, and all of the other things I've been diagnosed and misdiagnosed with in my life, I never seem to fit neatly into any diagnostic box. I've reached the conclusion that I'm never going to get a neat and tidy diagnosis for whatever it is that ails me, but I'm not sure that it matters so much anymore. What matters is the lessons that I'm learning in trying to make the most of the hand I've been dealt