I must be doing something right

Yesterday was the first day of my 40-day "fast" to clear my body, mind and heart so that I can focus more intently on God and His plan for my life. I'd intentionally waited to start the 40 days on Sunday because I thought it would be particularly fitting to begin this journey in church.

I hadn't driven three blocks before I realized that something was wrong with my car. Once I saw the pitiful pile of rubber falling off the front rim where the tire used to be, I knew that my plans for the morning had suddenly changed. Of course, it was the coldest day of the winter so far and early Sunday morning to boot. But thank God, AAA was there in less than 30 minutes and within an hour, I was at a tire shop getting my tire fixed.

In the past, I would have allowed this unexpected change of plans to upset my day. For a minute, I did seriously consider an emergency trip to Starbuck's for an extra-large white chocolate mocha with extra whip cream. But then I remembered my fast. I remembered that I've committed to going without caffeine or dairy (among other things) for 40 days, and that not even a flat tire causing me to miss church on Day #1 was going to make me fall off the wagon.

After I'd had time to reflect on the morning, I realized that getting that flat was actually a good thing. When I'm not doing anything of spiritual significance, nothing much happens. But every time I take a big step forward on my spiritual journey, some sort of setback always crops up. In the realm of spiritual warfare, the enemy doesn't need to waste time with the soldiers that are goofing off in the back of the ranks. So, the fact that I'm being challenged at the very onset is confirmation that I'm making my way to the front line.

Happy New Year!

I can hardly believe that another year has come and gone. 2008 wasn't the most dramatic year of my life, but I can say that it was the best year yet. The fact that I can say that, and mean it, reminds me of just how much I've grown spiritually in the past few years.

I've been a season of preparation and transition since 2005. Now, I believe that 2009 is the beginning of a season of abundance, a season in which I'll begin to see fruit growing from the seeds I've been planting.

I feel led to engage in a 40-day Daniel Fast, starting this Sunday. I'll be blogging more about this as I get into it, I am excited and expectant to see how God will move in my life during this time. As I prayerfully prepare for this process, I am already beginning to understand why it's important for me to do this now and how it will change my life, spiritually, physically and financially.

So although I'm starting 2009 in a radically different way this year, I still think it's appropriate to take a few minutes to reflect on how I was blessed in 2008. Here's my partial list:

1. Left a work environment that was very unhealthy for me and diligently managed to keep myself employed nearly full-time (with contract work) until I found another job.
2. Got a new job making the salary I'd hoped for, and also got much-needed medical insurance benefits.
3. Celebrated the first year of a wonderful relationship with a truly God-sent man.
4. Joined a church that I love and got involved with a caring church family.
5. Officially published my first book.
6. Purged a lot of "stuff" from my home, my head and my heart.
7. Got completely out of debt.
8. Grew closer to Christ
9. Began a new passion - photography
10. Delivered 15 prayer shawls to women I hope will be blessed by them.
11. Started another new blog.
12. When another year without incurring any credit card debt.

Not bad, but this year is going to be even better! Here's hoping that yours will be as well.

I miss blogging

I'm almost ready to come back. I've missed blogging, but I needed to take a break. Add to that a bout with sinus trouble, a relapse of insomnia and the unexpected and untimely death of my computer. But... I've got a brand new PC with all the bells and whistles and I'm looking forward to blogging again after the new year. Hope you'll join me then.

The view is better from the high ground

George Herbert said that "living well is the best revenge" and he was right. Several months ago I was treated very badly. I won't go into the details, but everyone who knew about the situation - even people who did not know me well - expressed their surprise, anger and disgust at the way the situation unfolded.

At the time, I was devestated. I was angry, confused, hurt and scared. I wanted to lash out at the person who'd mistreated me. I wanted her to hurt the way she'd hurt me. But, thankfully, with lots of help from the Lord and from my guy, a cooler, calmer heart prevailed. I chose to rechannel my anger towards her into the energy I needed to move on with my life. I'd be lying if I said it was easy, because it wasn't. But I knew that in order for me to move on, I had to let go of my negative feelings towards her.

Fast forward eight months. I'm doing just fine and have been blessed beyond measure. I'm healthy, I'm out of debt, I have a great new job and a wonderful relationship. God has been faithful, even when I've been afraid, angry or depressed. Ironically, as my life has steadily gotten better, I've learned that hers has not faired as well. In fact, things aren't going well for her at all. I thought I'd be delighted about that, but I'm not. Surprisingly, I feel sad for her. Not because of what she's going through now, because I believe she brought that on herself. I feel sad that something was so broken in her heart that she felt the need to do the things she did, not just to me, but to a lot of other people too. It doesn't look like she'll be able to hurt others in the same ways any more, which is a very good thing. Now I simply pray that her time in the valley will help her learn deal with her own demons so that she can stop demonizing others.

Words matter

Now that my daughter is grown, I've learned a valuable parenting lesson that I wish I'd known when she was young. Words really do matter. Spankings and time-outs may be painful or distasteful or inconvenient at the time, but it's the words that parents use with their children that leave lasting and often indelible marks on their spirits.

Last week I experienced a stressful and humbling "test". It turned out to be a major blessing - a breakthrough, even. But when I was going through it, I really beat myself up with anxiety and self-doubt. Without realizing it, I said things to myself that I would never say to another person - at least not in the same way - and I began to wonder why I was being so hard on myself.

I finally realized that I'd heard very similar statements before, when I was a child. And they came from one of the two people in the world that I most needed to love, comfort and encourage me. More than 40 years later, I still hear the criticism, the disappointment, and what may have been even more painful, the loud silence of emotional detachment. It was disturbing when I thought I was my own worst critic. It's unbelievably painful to know that I wasn't.

Being an introvert

I did a google search on "introspective" when I decided to use that as the new name for this blog. One of the first links that came up, was Introspectives.org. There I found a very straightforward, and almost frightfully accurate description of myself as an INFJ (see Meyers Briggs Type Indicator). Here I am in a nutshell:

INFJ Profile:

Absolutely: creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, fears drawing attention to self, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, does not like to be looked at, perfectionist, can sabatoge self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, focuses on peoples' hidden motives, not spontaneous, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, lower energy, strict with self

Sort of: attracted to sad things, avoidant, anxious, cautious, socially uncomfortable guarded, prone to crying, prone to feelings of loneliness, prone to sadness

Not really: emotionally moody, fearful, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not competitive, prone to intimidation

Favored careers:

Sounds cool: artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, art historian, photo journalist, homemaker (who knew?)

Not a chance: psychotherapist, opera singer, social services worker, sign language intepreter, makeup artist

It's time for a change. After one and one-half years and nearly 200 posts, I've decided that it's time to change the name of this blog. It's only fitting since my reasons for writing and the topics I want to write about have evolved.

Dictionary.com defines introspective as the act of looking into or examining (one's own mind, feelings, etc.), which is exactly what I want to do more of. I'm learning a lot about myself, and to be honest, it's been a humbling experience, but a necessary one. I believe that this journey has a purpose, one that is much bigger than me, and that it's time to get busy and start doing what I've been called to do. So, the first step is to recommit to blogging more regularly, documenting the lessons I'm learning, acknowledging the gifts (and the challenges) that I encounter along the way, and trying to make sense of it all. Hopefully I'll write something that resonates with those who stop by this blog to visit. If so, please feel free to leave a comment.

Maybe I am a sexist

This election season is giving me heartburn. Seriously.

Just when I thought things couldn't get more absurd, John McCain picked Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential candidate. In case you're wondering, I'm a Christian and a conservative. In that order. I'm also a registered Republican, but that might change. I've been frustrated, disappointed and downright angry about John McCain being the GOP presidential candidate for reasons that I won't go into here. But even though I know I'm not voting for a Vice President in November, I was hoping that Sen. McCain would give me something even remotely palatable to work with in his VP pick.

I'm guessing that Sen. Palin is a smart, decent woman, and I commend her on her political accomplishments. I have only a vague notion of her positions on the key issues that I care about, but I've heard that her positions are largely conservative. But, what I'm really struggling with is the tremendous balancing act that I'm expected to believe she can and should be encouraged to pursue. As a mother of one child, I know how exhilirating and fulfilling raising a child can be. I also realize how difficult, exhausting, stressful and time-consuming it is. Even if I'm willing to buy the argument that the Vice Presidency isn't a "real job", the reality is that in this case, at this time, Vice President Palin would truly be a mere heartbeat away from the Presidency.

Call me old-fashioned. Call me a sexist. But I can not comprehend how a woman - any woman - has the time, the energy, the stamina, the patience and the focus to raise five children under the best of circumstances, while at the same time serving as Vice President of the United States. And that's before taking into consideration that the youngest child is only 4 months old and has special needs. And of course, it doesn't take into account the grandchild on the way. Even if she does get married before then, I can't imagine Gov. Palin's 17-year-old daughter not needing a lot of support and hands-on help in raising her baby.

I think there's something unsettling about buying into the feminist belief that women can be all things to all people, all at the same time. I'm not questioning whether Gov. Palin can do either job well. That's a totally different post. But what I am questioning is how she can do both well at the same time. And if she can't, which role will suffer? That's a choice I don't think she (or the American people) should have to make.

Retelling the story

I'm reading an awesome book on discovering and following life callings (more on this soon). What struck me most today was the following quote from the author, Gregg Levoy. He writes that psychologist Jean Houston stresses that

In order to discover what is trying to be born in you from your wound, what gift or call might be pressing for delivery... you need to stop reciting the small story about it - the particulars, the details - and tell the larger story. "Tell the tale anew" she says, "this time with the wounding as the middle of the story."

I've been thinking about this idea for a while now that for some people (myself included), the embryo of their life's calling comes not from their greatest achievement, but from their greatest disappointment. Several years ago, there was a popular book about that dealt with the reality that bad things do happen to good people. Maybe these "bad things" aren't meant to punish us, but rather to prepare us. Maybe we haven't been singled out because God is angry with us, but because He has chosen us to do something that not everyone can (or is willing to) do.

What better person to help someone who's hurting, than someone who's survived the same pain? Who better to try to help others avoid costly and painful mistakes, than someone who's already made them?

There used to be a skit on Saturday Night Live about two guys who used to recount outrageously painful and unlikely accidents, like having an electric nail shot up their nostril, to see which one could come up with the most painful experience. Misery may love company, but when we share our stories, it's not simply knowing that someone else has been in the same place that makes us feel better. What makes the difference is knowing that they survived, that they grew because of the experience, and are better human beings because of it.

I have lots of stories to tell, but not unless I'm sure that I'm telling the right version... that's the one that puts the pain in the middle of the story.

An invitation to my inner artist

Ever since spending hours admiring the artwork of children from around the world last week, I've been feeling the incessant stirrings of my inner artist dying to be free. This past weekend, I went searching for art supplies, which was quite an adventure as I have absolutely no "artistic training". None.

But that didn't stop me. I must admit that I splurged, but the good news is that I found a great sale at the local craft store because I was wise (or frugal) enough to limit myself to beginner's tools for now. Perhaps it was a "Back to School" special, I'm not sure, but I ended up getting 48 chalk pastels, 36 colored pencils, 25 colored markers, a pad of 75 sheets of sketch paper, sketch pencils, sharpeners and erasers, all for under $25!

As much as I'd love to be totally free-form about this, I've still managed to retain much too much of my formerly Type-A personality to do that. After all, I've got lots of empty wall space throughout my home just waiting to display my creations. So, I found a very fun and informative website full of free online art lessons, called Drawspace.com.

So, now that I've bought the refreshments, I'm extending an open invitation to my inner artist to come out and play! Perhaps I'll share some of her surprises.