Hi. My name is Syd and I'm Bipolar. There... I've *said* it. That's supposed to be the first step isn't it? I'm very new to all this, having been diagnosed only a week ago. It's amazing how much my life has changed in that short time. Even if I wanted to deny the verdict, an honest look at the multiplicity of emotions I've felt about it since those words were first uttered clearly supports many aspects of the diagnosis.
I've been feeling relief, fear, sadness, shame, acceptance, hope, hopelessness, anger, confusion, fatigue, regret, optimism... and those were all in the first 24 hours! In the days since then, I've started reading everything I can find and I've begun the hard work of examining my past in an attempt to identify patterns, symptoms and triggers. When looking back at both the high and low points of my life, I can tell already that it's going to be difficult to distinguish where my personality ends and this disorder takes over. Already I have more questions than I'll ever find answers for, but the process itself is helping me gain some semblance of order out of the chaos that has been my life up to this point.
I am blessed to be able to participate in a clinical research study on bipolar disorder that will provide a much greater level of medical care and support than I would have been able to afford since my self-pay health insurance (I'm self-employed) considers anything related to depression as a pre-existing condition. However, I also realize that becoming an active participant in managing my own health care is critical to my long-term prognosis. Which brings me to this blog...
My goal for this space is twofold: First, I intend to journal my insights on living with bipolar disorder, hopefully in a way that is meaningful and productive. It would be so easy, particularly when I'm depressed, to write in excruciating detail about how awful my life is. But what good would that do me or anyone else? And besides, there are lots of blogs about BP that already do that. Instead, I need to be honest about the darkness, but never lose sight of the light. My hope is that over time, I'll be able to see personal growth and spiritual maturity as I come to terms with the disorder, learn to forgive myself for it's manifestations, and find the proper medication(s).
Secondly, and equally as important, I firmly believe that each of us has the opportunity and the obligation to invite others to travel with us on this journey called "life." If there is any joy in living through difficulty, if there is any sense to be made of tragedy, it is found in helping others. Because it is only through helping others that we can truly help ourselves. That said, I hope to make this blog a resource for people with BP - a place where they can find useful information, links to other BP blogs, and a feeling of hope, of support, and of community.
I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride, but I intend to make the best of it... care to join me?
1 comment:
Hey I have been reading your blog posts, And somehow I find them very helpful By the way I have been diagnosed to have Major Depressive disorder (w/psychotic symptom) August of 2007. And up until now, I find it really hard to live a satisfying life.
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