It's been a year since I forgave K.T. and I have never regretted the decision to do it... not once. So given my "success" at forgiving the stranger who caused such horrific pain in my life, why have I not been able to extend the same forgiveness towards the parties involved in the second most devastating pain of my life? Perhaps it's because they are members of my own family.
On the surface, it probably seems odd that it's been easier for me to forgive a total stranger than to forgive family members I've known for my entire life... people with whom I had strong history and a strong connection. After much reflection on this, I've decided that it's not that surprising after all. It's precisely because of that history and that connection that the pain is so devestating and far-reaching. Perhaps I expected more from the people I loved and who I thought loved me. Perhaps I thought that because we all profess to be Christians, that truth and justice would prevail. Perhaps I simply thought that "doing the right thing" counted for something. And there's definitely the fact that I knew I'd never have to see or otherwise deal with the man who raped me again... but my family is a different story.
I won't name names, and out of respect for the parties involved, I won't divulge the specifics of the incident, but it was HUGE. And it has created an invisible gulf in my family that will probably never be healed. There are many casualties of this conflict, and sadly, some who've landed on the other side of that divide may never know why.
That said, I've still been haunted by the feeling that I really do need to forgive them. This need to forgive them is not for their sake. Not only have they not asked for my forgiveness, but they don't appear to think they've done anything that would require it. They've moved on with their lives, as if nothing ever happened. And that's exactly the point. They've moved on. I haven't. Spiritually, I believe that this leading to forgive is about me, not about them.
In an article entitled Tap Into the Amazing Power of Personal Forgiveness", Connie Domino says that "Forgiveness is actualy a 'selfish act.' This doesn't mean it's a negative act. Far from being negative, it's one of the most loving and positive things you can do for yourself, as well as others."
She goes on to say that "unforgiveness acts as a kind of 'energy dam.' The negative energy between you and the person(s) of your unforgiveness actually creates a steel-like bond that keeps you tied to them. This negative energy attachment is stagnant and immobile, and keeps you from your highest good. Yes, lack of forgiveness keeps you 'literally glued' on an energetic level to the last person(s) in the world you want to be harnessed to."
So why has this been so difficult for me? I think it's because my family has shown no remorse for the pain and suffering they've caused me and the other injured party (the primary victim in all this). For the record, I would have forgiven them had they asked. But because they haven't, and because they don't think they need to, I don't think that reconciliation is possible or healthy. While these made be valid observations, they have nothing to do with forgiving them... A fact which makes me guilty of being one of many people who have difficulty taking their own advice. It took re-reading my previous post and reading a book entitled "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by Ray Pritchard to be reminded of some key truths about forgiveness:
It doesn't matter if the person(s) has asked for forgiveness. Ray Pritchard says that "forgiveness is something we give to those who don't deserve it. It is grace pure and simple. If people deserved forgiveness, they wouldn't need it." I'm reminded that Jesus' dying words were a prayer that God "forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).
Forgiveness does not have to be communicated. This was a big deal-breaker for me. As I said, if my family had asked for my forgiveness, I would have freely given it then and there, but they didn't... leaving me with the hard work of eventually choosing to do it anyway. Mr. Pritchard says that "most of the time, the people who hurt us are not seeking forgiveness or reconciliation. Sometimes it isn't helpful to say 'I forgive you', for then you end up picking a fight because the person responds, 'I didn't do anything that needs to be forgiven.' Remember, your forgiveness doesn't depend on them. You don't need their permission to forgive them. You don't need their agreement that they were wrong. Just forgive them. Choose forgiveness in your heart, and then move on with your life."
Forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Mr. Pritchard reminds us that "Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. Forgiveness depends on you. Reconciliation depends on you plus the other person. It implies confession, repentance, forgiveness, restoration of trust, the passage of time, and a mutual desire to reconcile. Often it is not possible; sometimes it is not wise.
Forgiveness is a process, and it's not always easy. This would all be so much easier if we could all acknowledge when we've done something to hurt someone, ask for their forgiveness and then be forgiven. Sometimes it does happen that way. When I was a freshman in college, my roommate and best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world had a brief affair with my at the time love-of-my-life boyfriend (my first). The two people that I loved most had betrayed me and I was devastated. It took a while, but I forgave them both. I transferred to another school at the end of freshman year, but saw her again about a year later at the wedding of a mutual friend. I tried to tell her that I'd forgiven her, but because of her shame and guilt, and my difficulty in expressing myself I'm sure, she couldn't really hear what I was trying to say. Ironically, I gave him another chance, and then another, and then another. It took way too long for me to realize that he was a pathological liar and an incurable womanizer.
Anyway, 20 years later I got a call at work. It was my former roommate who'd been searching for me unsuccessfully for years, and then just happened to see me in an interview on the evening news the night before. Because the interview was work-related, she was able to find me by contacting the company where I worked. She asked if she could come see me, and she did the very next day. What she did when she showed up was astonishing. She sat there, in my office, looked me straight in the eye, acknowledged how deeply she hurt me and how sorry she was. She asked me for my forgiveness, but told me she would understand completely if I couldn't give it. We both cried like babies. Just writing this now, 10 years after that meeting, has brought tears to my eyes. Of course I forgave her. We saw each other a few times after that and tried to rekindle our friendship. I'm not sure why it never worked out, but I will never forget the courage, the class and the grace she showed that day. I wish only the best for her.
So, while some people make choosing forgiveness easy, I'd argue that most do not. How ironic that it's the person who was hurt that usually ends up having to do the hard work. But, as the old saying goes... "Somebody's gotta do it."
So here goes... Although I don't intend to say this directly to the parties involved for the reasons I've already stated, I will say publically here that I have finally made the choice to forgive them. I have earnestly and sincerely expressed my desire to forgive them to God because I know that I can't do this alone. I prayed that all parties involved would be released from the strongholds that have bound us, and that we can each be free to pursue our highest good. I prayed that God will re-direct all of the negative energy that I've expended on this situation into positive and productive energy that can be used to manifest His blessings in my life and allow me to help bless others lives as well.
And while I was in a forgiving mood, I prayed forgiveness for everyone else who's hurt me that I still held feelings of unforgiveness towards. I also prayed for forgiveness for anything that I've ever done to hurt another person. I specifically named those situations I was aware of, and then said a generic prayer to cover those cases in which I'd unknowingly caused another person pain. I'd be lying if I said it was easy, or if I said that I don't expect to ever think about the hurtful things of the past again. But my prayer is that I will be released from the pain and the bitterness and the resentment a little more each day, and that when the memories do come, I can gracefully (and expeditiously) let them go.
Now, there's only one person left for me to to forgive... myself.
On the surface, it probably seems odd that it's been easier for me to forgive a total stranger than to forgive family members I've known for my entire life... people with whom I had strong history and a strong connection. After much reflection on this, I've decided that it's not that surprising after all. It's precisely because of that history and that connection that the pain is so devestating and far-reaching. Perhaps I expected more from the people I loved and who I thought loved me. Perhaps I thought that because we all profess to be Christians, that truth and justice would prevail. Perhaps I simply thought that "doing the right thing" counted for something. And there's definitely the fact that I knew I'd never have to see or otherwise deal with the man who raped me again... but my family is a different story.
I won't name names, and out of respect for the parties involved, I won't divulge the specifics of the incident, but it was HUGE. And it has created an invisible gulf in my family that will probably never be healed. There are many casualties of this conflict, and sadly, some who've landed on the other side of that divide may never know why.
That said, I've still been haunted by the feeling that I really do need to forgive them. This need to forgive them is not for their sake. Not only have they not asked for my forgiveness, but they don't appear to think they've done anything that would require it. They've moved on with their lives, as if nothing ever happened. And that's exactly the point. They've moved on. I haven't. Spiritually, I believe that this leading to forgive is about me, not about them.
In an article entitled Tap Into the Amazing Power of Personal Forgiveness", Connie Domino says that "Forgiveness is actualy a 'selfish act.' This doesn't mean it's a negative act. Far from being negative, it's one of the most loving and positive things you can do for yourself, as well as others."
She goes on to say that "unforgiveness acts as a kind of 'energy dam.' The negative energy between you and the person(s) of your unforgiveness actually creates a steel-like bond that keeps you tied to them. This negative energy attachment is stagnant and immobile, and keeps you from your highest good. Yes, lack of forgiveness keeps you 'literally glued' on an energetic level to the last person(s) in the world you want to be harnessed to."
So why has this been so difficult for me? I think it's because my family has shown no remorse for the pain and suffering they've caused me and the other injured party (the primary victim in all this). For the record, I would have forgiven them had they asked. But because they haven't, and because they don't think they need to, I don't think that reconciliation is possible or healthy. While these made be valid observations, they have nothing to do with forgiving them... A fact which makes me guilty of being one of many people who have difficulty taking their own advice. It took re-reading my previous post and reading a book entitled "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by Ray Pritchard to be reminded of some key truths about forgiveness:
It doesn't matter if the person(s) has asked for forgiveness. Ray Pritchard says that "forgiveness is something we give to those who don't deserve it. It is grace pure and simple. If people deserved forgiveness, they wouldn't need it." I'm reminded that Jesus' dying words were a prayer that God "forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).
Forgiveness does not have to be communicated. This was a big deal-breaker for me. As I said, if my family had asked for my forgiveness, I would have freely given it then and there, but they didn't... leaving me with the hard work of eventually choosing to do it anyway. Mr. Pritchard says that "most of the time, the people who hurt us are not seeking forgiveness or reconciliation. Sometimes it isn't helpful to say 'I forgive you', for then you end up picking a fight because the person responds, 'I didn't do anything that needs to be forgiven.' Remember, your forgiveness doesn't depend on them. You don't need their permission to forgive them. You don't need their agreement that they were wrong. Just forgive them. Choose forgiveness in your heart, and then move on with your life."
Forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Mr. Pritchard reminds us that "Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. Forgiveness depends on you. Reconciliation depends on you plus the other person. It implies confession, repentance, forgiveness, restoration of trust, the passage of time, and a mutual desire to reconcile. Often it is not possible; sometimes it is not wise.
Forgiveness is a process, and it's not always easy. This would all be so much easier if we could all acknowledge when we've done something to hurt someone, ask for their forgiveness and then be forgiven. Sometimes it does happen that way. When I was a freshman in college, my roommate and best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world had a brief affair with my at the time love-of-my-life boyfriend (my first). The two people that I loved most had betrayed me and I was devastated. It took a while, but I forgave them both. I transferred to another school at the end of freshman year, but saw her again about a year later at the wedding of a mutual friend. I tried to tell her that I'd forgiven her, but because of her shame and guilt, and my difficulty in expressing myself I'm sure, she couldn't really hear what I was trying to say. Ironically, I gave him another chance, and then another, and then another. It took way too long for me to realize that he was a pathological liar and an incurable womanizer.
Anyway, 20 years later I got a call at work. It was my former roommate who'd been searching for me unsuccessfully for years, and then just happened to see me in an interview on the evening news the night before. Because the interview was work-related, she was able to find me by contacting the company where I worked. She asked if she could come see me, and she did the very next day. What she did when she showed up was astonishing. She sat there, in my office, looked me straight in the eye, acknowledged how deeply she hurt me and how sorry she was. She asked me for my forgiveness, but told me she would understand completely if I couldn't give it. We both cried like babies. Just writing this now, 10 years after that meeting, has brought tears to my eyes. Of course I forgave her. We saw each other a few times after that and tried to rekindle our friendship. I'm not sure why it never worked out, but I will never forget the courage, the class and the grace she showed that day. I wish only the best for her.
So, while some people make choosing forgiveness easy, I'd argue that most do not. How ironic that it's the person who was hurt that usually ends up having to do the hard work. But, as the old saying goes... "Somebody's gotta do it."
So here goes... Although I don't intend to say this directly to the parties involved for the reasons I've already stated, I will say publically here that I have finally made the choice to forgive them. I have earnestly and sincerely expressed my desire to forgive them to God because I know that I can't do this alone. I prayed that all parties involved would be released from the strongholds that have bound us, and that we can each be free to pursue our highest good. I prayed that God will re-direct all of the negative energy that I've expended on this situation into positive and productive energy that can be used to manifest His blessings in my life and allow me to help bless others lives as well.
And while I was in a forgiving mood, I prayed forgiveness for everyone else who's hurt me that I still held feelings of unforgiveness towards. I also prayed for forgiveness for anything that I've ever done to hurt another person. I specifically named those situations I was aware of, and then said a generic prayer to cover those cases in which I'd unknowingly caused another person pain. I'd be lying if I said it was easy, or if I said that I don't expect to ever think about the hurtful things of the past again. But my prayer is that I will be released from the pain and the bitterness and the resentment a little more each day, and that when the memories do come, I can gracefully (and expeditiously) let them go.
Now, there's only one person left for me to to forgive... myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment