Last month I wrote a post about what NOT to say when someone is depressed. I had no idea at the time that it would be my most-visited post yet. Hopefully that's a sign that people are beginning to consider this question of how to be supportive of someone with depression, or more specifically, with bipolar disorder.
I'd planned to write about something totally different today, but went to visit Susan's blog first, as I usually do. I was blown away by her post today, and decided I needed to write about that instead.
Susan addresses the issue of support from a slightly different angle, eloquently expressing her feelings in an open letter to her non-bipolar friends and family. I'm reminded yet again of the irony of realizing that those that we expect and need the most support from during difficult times, are often the ones who let us down the most. It is embarrasing, and it is painful, to be minimalized, written off or otherwise discarded by strangers or casual acquaintances. It is excruciating and appalling to be similarly "dissed" and dismissed by family and friends.
There is something to be said for ignorance. I try to give a pass to people who don't know what I've gone through or aren't aware of the constant struggles of daily living that I face. I try not to be disheartened when they fail to see how much I've accomplished, in spite of my challenges. But when I pour my heart out in letters, e-mails or even this blog, when I open the doors of my soul in an effort to help them understand who I truly am, the silence that I hear in return is deafening.
This begs the question... what is family, really? Why is it that so much emphasis is placed on the sanctity of blood relations, even if the only thing we share is similar DNA? Why is it assumed that family sticks together, no matter what - even if a family member is dead wrong? Why is it that wives in the midst of being beaten senseless by their husbands suddenly turn on the police officers who come to their aid? Why do parents protect and defend children who have been convicted of horrendous crimes, even when they know they're guilty? Bad behavior is bad behavior. Period. Regardless of whether we share the same surname. What is up with that??? I know I'm guilty of this too, though. Why is it that I expect family members and "friends" to accept me unconditionally, make an effort to empathize with me, or to simply treat me with the same respect that they treat neighbors, co-workers or the people at church just because we're "related"? I believe the truth is that I shouldn't.
I've finally decided that for me "family" is not the gene pool I was born into. It's the pool of people that provide all those things that we typically look to families to provide - unconditional love, support, loyalty, companionship, security, comfort. It would be great if the two pools were the same, and while there is some overlap in a few specific instances, for me they are different.
I said in my comment on Susan's blog, and I'll say it again here, that I think that every person with BP who reads her post and has a blog should post a link back to her post. What she has to say on this needs to be heard by everyone with a family member or friend who lives with BP. For those who are truly being supportive, Susan's letter should be a validation of how rare and precious a gift their support of us is. To the others, and they will know who they are, it should be an ice cold wake-up call!
I'd planned to write about something totally different today, but went to visit Susan's blog first, as I usually do. I was blown away by her post today, and decided I needed to write about that instead.
Susan addresses the issue of support from a slightly different angle, eloquently expressing her feelings in an open letter to her non-bipolar friends and family. I'm reminded yet again of the irony of realizing that those that we expect and need the most support from during difficult times, are often the ones who let us down the most. It is embarrasing, and it is painful, to be minimalized, written off or otherwise discarded by strangers or casual acquaintances. It is excruciating and appalling to be similarly "dissed" and dismissed by family and friends.
There is something to be said for ignorance. I try to give a pass to people who don't know what I've gone through or aren't aware of the constant struggles of daily living that I face. I try not to be disheartened when they fail to see how much I've accomplished, in spite of my challenges. But when I pour my heart out in letters, e-mails or even this blog, when I open the doors of my soul in an effort to help them understand who I truly am, the silence that I hear in return is deafening.
This begs the question... what is family, really? Why is it that so much emphasis is placed on the sanctity of blood relations, even if the only thing we share is similar DNA? Why is it assumed that family sticks together, no matter what - even if a family member is dead wrong? Why is it that wives in the midst of being beaten senseless by their husbands suddenly turn on the police officers who come to their aid? Why do parents protect and defend children who have been convicted of horrendous crimes, even when they know they're guilty? Bad behavior is bad behavior. Period. Regardless of whether we share the same surname. What is up with that??? I know I'm guilty of this too, though. Why is it that I expect family members and "friends" to accept me unconditionally, make an effort to empathize with me, or to simply treat me with the same respect that they treat neighbors, co-workers or the people at church just because we're "related"? I believe the truth is that I shouldn't.
I've finally decided that for me "family" is not the gene pool I was born into. It's the pool of people that provide all those things that we typically look to families to provide - unconditional love, support, loyalty, companionship, security, comfort. It would be great if the two pools were the same, and while there is some overlap in a few specific instances, for me they are different.
I said in my comment on Susan's blog, and I'll say it again here, that I think that every person with BP who reads her post and has a blog should post a link back to her post. What she has to say on this needs to be heard by everyone with a family member or friend who lives with BP. For those who are truly being supportive, Susan's letter should be a validation of how rare and precious a gift their support of us is. To the others, and they will know who they are, it should be an ice cold wake-up call!
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