Sunday, July 22, 2007

Knowledge is power

I haven't been blogging much lately. I'd been in the throes of an exciting new relationship, or so I thought. I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say that things are not working out as I'd hoped.

But the good news, and it IS good news, is that beginning a new relationship didn't send me into hypomania as it has always done in the past, and perhaps more importantly, ending a relationship hasn't sent me spiraling into depression either. I'm sure that the new medication deserves some of the credit for my relatively calm response to what is normally a major bipolar trigger for me. But I sincerely believe that a clearer understanding of my triggers and a more realistic perspective on what actions and reactions I own and which issues are not mine have played a huge part in getting me through this.

In this situation, I can see with crystal clarity that taking this situation personally is a total waste of time and energy. At least this once, the issues that are preventing this relationship from growing are not mine. I'll be the first to admit that I have a host of my own issues, but I'm learning that I don't have a monopoly on deal-breaking, relationship-destroying issues. This time, it's not "all about me".

In years past, after I emerging from a grueling depression over having been unceremoniously dumped, I would have gotten angry. This time, not only do I not feel depressed, but I don't feel angry either. I just feel sad. Sad that something that could have been great didn't even have a fair chance. Sad that someone I care about is struggling with such important issues, and doesn't even seem to realize it. Perhaps it was Marja, or maybe Susan, who said that being bipolar has given them a great sense of empathy and compassion for the emotional struggles of other people. I can see now how that is true.

So, what have I learned from this experience? That medication probably does help take the edge off. But more importantly, I've learned that all the medication in the world will not help me work through the challenges of life, look for and appreciate lessons to be learned, recognize triggers and do what I can to minimize their impact, develop a healthier perspective, and realize that all things happen for a reason, even if we don't understand what it is at the time. Only educating myself on bipolar disorder, acknowledging how it manifests for me personally, and developing and working a viable self-care plan including support from people who really understand can do that. Knowledge really is power.

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