Still on the journey: Week 4

This morning will be Week 4 for my women's support group. I find myself looking forward to this very special time of fellowship each Saturday morning, and this week in particular. For the first time in a long time, I've had a very difficult week. While I still have so much to be thankful for, I've been struggling emotionally with a serious and unexpected personal issue and with the stress of a new job. I know that I can't talk about the specifics, but simply being in the presence of these supportive and loving women is such a blessing to me. I know that when I ask them to pray for this situation, I know that they will.

My "homework" assignment for the week was to practice cultivating the ability to do more listening and less talking when I'm praying. And as much as I hate to admit it, this is something that I need a LOT of practice on. Early in the week, I feared that this task would be difficult for me, and of course God knew that even better than I, because He gave me a reason to practice this new skill just when I needed it the most.

The night before last, I felt so low that all I could do was cry. I wanted to pray, but the words wouldn't come. My mind and heart were so heavy that I couldn't even think of a coherent string of words, much less utter them in prayer. So, I did the only thing I could do. I cried. And then I cried some more. Finally I cried out through my tears "Why God? Why this? Why now?"

Almost immediately the tears stopped and I felt comforted. The pain didn't go away, but it lessened. At first I thought that maybe it was the sleeping pill beginning to kick in, but I soon realized that it wasn't that at all. Because instead of drifting off to sleep, I felt as if God had placed the answer to my questions in my heart... "This is a test."

I didn't feel the anger or anxiety that I'd feel if a professor had just sprung an unexpected pop quiz for which I was totally unprepared, and told me that my entire grade for the class depended on how well I did on the test. It felt much more loving than that... sort of a "you said this is what you want... now it's time for you to see if you really want it" test, one that would ultimately be for my benefit.

Suddenly I started so see the situation a little differently. I have no idea how things will turn out, and I'm still prone to start crying at the drop of a hat, but knowing that even this is part of God's plan for me makes it somehow easier to bear.

Yesterday morning, I decided to indulge my guilty pleasure and see what my daily horoscope had to say. I know there are mixed feelings about horoscopes, but I do admit that I sometimes take a peek, and when I do, I usually find just the message I needed for that day. I chose to believe that God can speak to us in any way He chooses, so why not in a horoscope too? Here's what mine (Pisces) had to say:

Conflicts place unreasonable demands on you now, especially if you believe it's your responsibility to fix a situation that is actually beyond your control. Consider how you hold on to familiar behavior patterns because of your fear of change. Old habits are being tested by new circumstances, so don't waste valuable energy by struggling; let go and make room for what will follow.

Last night I felt much better than I did the night before. I feel a sense of comfort, a sense of peace, a sense of how God is using me in this situation, and for that, I am truly thankful.