If I'd known then

I turned 49 earlier this week. Never before has the term "age is just a number" felt more true. I'm not at all stressed about approaching the big 5-0, but it's probably because I feel at least 10 years younger than my chronological age. The fact that I look much younger is an added bonus. Yet, regardless of how young I feel, the reality is that I've been an adult for 30 years and I've learned a lot during that time.

My 19-year-old daughter planned her two-week trip home from being stationed in Iraq to coincide with my birthday which has been a wonderful present. Among many other things, the 30-year age difference between us crossed my mind as we reminisced over our years together. I marvel at how different her life at 19 is from the way mine was at 19. Times have certainly changed, but we're also very different people. I'd like to believe that she's learned a lot by living vicariously through my triumphs and my mistakes over the years, but only time will tell if the lessons that I've struggled so hard to impart with her have taken root.

If I'm going to be honest, I must admit that my mother probably said the same thing 30 years ago when I was 19. And I now know as well as she knew then that 19-year-olds think they know everything, and hardly need the advice of an old, square, nerdy Mom to tell them about life. While my mother clearly wasn't able to prepare me for all of the particular situations I've faced in my adult life, she laid a very strong foundation which served me quite well in my professional life. She instilled in me a strong work ethic, a commitment to excellence and an understanding of the importance of balance.

I've been thinking about the life lessons and values that I want to impart in my daughter. There are too many to count, but if I had to pick ten of the most important, I think they would be these (in no particular order):

1. Make saving money a priority. Having a good-paying job is a blessing, not an entitlement, regardless of how hard you work or how smart you may be. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and there's no way to know if, or when, you'll experience a lay off, an extended illness, a major unexpected expenses, or any number of other challenges. Start saving money when you don't need it, so that you'll have it when you do. Establish a budget and stick to it. Use credit cards wisely, and as infrequently as possible. Enjoy driving a car that may be old, but that's paid for. Buy only what you absolutely need or love. Don't buy more house (or rent more apartment) than you can comfortably afford. Resist the temptation to by designer brands when generic alternatives work just as well. It makes no sense to spend years paying for things you no longer use, that you purchased with money you didn't have, that you bought to impress people that you don't even like.


2. Remember that your job is what you do, not who you are. I doubt that anybody on their death bed looks back on their life and wishes they'd worked more hours or received more promotions. It may not seem like it now, but life is too short, and much too precious to spend it all working. Career success is important, but much more important than your title or your profession is your commitment to doing your best to live a full and satisfying life in whatever line of work you choose. That said, I hope you'll find work that you love, and if you do, you'll be incredibly lucky. But if not, at least find work that you enjoy - you'll spend too much time there not to like it. And remember that your worth is defined by how you live your life, not what's written on your business card. If you don't love your current job and can't find one that you do love, consider your job a means of paying the bills, not a value judgment on your worth as a person.


3. Take vacations. It's a big, beautiful world out there and there's so much to see and do. Be adventurous, be spontaneous, and of course, be safe. Your life will be enriched beyond measure if you make the effort to expose yourself to different cultures, listen to different types of music, try different types of foods, and most importantly meet people from different walks of life than your own. Plan to make memories, and then go out and do it!


4. Choose your battles wisely. Even the generals of the mightiest armies knew that it is foolish to fight every battle simply because you think you can. Some causes are definitely worth fighting for, others simply aren't. It may take a while, but if you pay attention, you'll discover how to tell the difference. If you must fight, remember that it's brains, not brawn, that wins the war.


5. Plan carefully for your retirement. I know this is the last thing on your mind right now, but it is so very important to start planning early. Believe it or not, there will be a day when you're too old, too sick or too tired to work anymore, and that day is going to come a lot faster than you think. That doesn't have to be a scary prospect if you're prepared. But if you're not, the very thought of it will keep you awake at night with fear and worry. Find a good financial advisor and develop a plan. Stick with it, even if it's not fun.


6. Understand that when it comes to friends, it's quality not quantity that counts. When you're young, it's cool to have a lot of "friends", and the term is defined quite loosely. But as you get older and wiser, your definition of true friendship will evolve and you may find that there are not as many people in your close circle of friends, which is probably as it should be. Pick your friends wisely and then honor and respect those friendships. Be slow to get angry and quick to forgive. Respect each other's privacy and guard each other's secrets. Make room in your heart for the spouses and eventually the children of your close friends, even if you were there first. Keep in mind that as you get older, people move away and lives get more complicated, you may not see your friends as often, but the bonds of true friendship run much deeper than that.


7. Pick your men wisely. This is a big one. Other than the decision to accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, I can't think of another decision that can have as much of a positive or negative impact on the quality of your life as the men you choose to become involved with, and most importantly, the man you choose to marry. This choice will affect your happiness, your home, your physical well-being, your finances, your children and just about every other aspect of your life. Know and love yourself first. Decide what you do and don't want in a relationship and set boundaries concerning what behaviors you will and will not accept. Strive to find someone who will accept and love you unconditionally, but at the same time will lovingly encourage you to be the best you can possibly be. Remember that looks and physique and salary are nice, but the character of a man's heart far outweighs how cute or cut he is, or even the size of his bank account. You're much better off with a man of modest means who loves you wholeheartedly than a millionaire who treats you badly. And most of all, remember that not every man who says he loves you does.


8. Tithe. Make tithing a priority in your life, regardless of how much money you make. Tithing involves more than giving a tenth of your income, it also includes giving of your time and your talents. Help others when you can. Do volunteer work. Find a church family and become an active participant. Be a good friend and a good neighbor. Contribute to worthy charitable causes, or start one. And when you give of your time, talent and treasure, do so with a joyful and thankful heart.


9. Laugh and love as much as you can. I believe that laughter and love are two of life's greatest medicines. No matter how bad things get, try to find something to laugh about, even if you have to laugh through your tears. Look for the best in all circumstances and in all people. Sometimes it's hard to see the blessings when we're in the midst of the storm, but I assure you that they are there. Aim for a life as full of laughter and love as your heart can hold. You'll be glad you did.


10. And most importantly, put God first in all things.

Love always,

Mom