Liars

I detest liars. I know that we all tell a "white lie" every now and then... taking a sick day when we're not really THAT sick, saying "no" when a girlfriend asks "do these pants make me look fat?", or saying that you had a nice time when the date really wasn't all that great. I guess technically a lie is a lie is a lie, but that's not what I'm on my soap box about today. I'm talking about lies that are truly unethical. Lies like when the boss says "I'm working on that raise, just give me a little more time" when it's absolutely not true, or when a prospective employer says "Race (or gender) didn't have anything to do with why you didn't get the job" when you know that's EXACTLY why you didn't get it, or when a guy says "I love you", when you know that's guy-speak for "can we just have sex?"

If there's one thing that is almost always certain to send me off into a state of sheer disgust, it's when someone lies to me. Yes, I take it "personally" even when I know that the person is a pathological liar who lies to everyone, even him or herself. Why? Because for me, being lied to represents more than merely a character flaw on the other person's part. It is an insult that they think I'm too stupid to be able to see through the lies. The fact that I don't always challenge someone when I catch them in a lie doesn't mean that the lie was lost on me. But it changes everything about my view of that person and my perception of our interaction. Sadly, once I know that someone has lied to me, I'm much less likely to believe anything else they say, even if it's true. And what's really ironic is the fact that the very people who lie the most, are the ones who most often believe that everyone else is lying to them! As George Bernard Shaw said, "The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."

I think lying is about control... attempting to control another person (their behavior, their perceptions, their reactions), attempting to control a situation, attempting to control the consequences of one's actions (or lack of them), and even attempting to control our fears, be they real or imagined. I don't know who Tad Williams is/was, but I agree with him we he said that "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger."

I constantly struggle with how to react to liars. In some instances, the solution is clear - simply stay away from them. Unfortunately, it's not always that easy. When the liar is a co-worker, or an employer, or even a relative, it's not that easy to walk away, although sometimes it's absolutely necessary. But it's that frequent, and necessary interaction that also makes it hard to consistently turn the other cheek. While not challenging a liar may make life a little easier in the short run, it quietly erodes away at the very fabric of the relationship, destroying trust and leaving bitterness and resentment instead. And, I often fear that not challenging a liar enables and emboldens them to lie even more. Does that somehow make me complicit in their lies? Probably. That sucks.