I've been grieving over the loss of a relationship for the past 6 weeks or so. I could have chosen to fight the constantly fluctuating, complicated and confusing mix of emotions, denying that once again I opened the door to my heart, only to have it slammed shut. I could have chosen to be embarrassed by my tears, my loss of appetite or my inability to do much more than curl up on the sofa and watch movies for hours on end. I could have chosen to deny how much I've been hurt by the situation. But I didn't choose any of those things. This time I chose to face the pain, to struggle through it, to ride the wave.
I've been through the first 4 stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, depression - several times. I wrote a while ago that I was going to hurt until I don't hurt anymore. Well, it still hurts, but not as much as it did at first. So even though I'm not completely over it yet, at least I'm heading in the right direction.
In thinking about this break-up, it hurts for many reasons, but the thing that hurts the most is that there was no closure. We just hit a wall... no explanation, no discussion, no nothing. To this day, we have yet to have a conversation about what happened or why. I've let him know that the door is open when he's ready to talk, but I draw the line at begging him to talk to me, even if it is only to explain why he walked away. I have some pretty good ideas, but I may never know for certain.
What I do know is that as much as I believe that our "relationship" I deserved a graceful ending, for now, the key word is "ending." Rather than continuing to focus on what hasn't been said, I need to accept that his silence has spoken volumes. I've run out of psycho-babble excuses for why he hasn't been able to verbalize his feelings (or lack thereof). I think I may buy a t-shirt that says "If something goes without saying... let it!"
The bottom line is that I've worked so hard to grow - emotionally and spiritually. I've done the hard work, and it hasn't been easy. And now that I have, I know that I deserve better than what I've gotten. I'm not perfect, but I'm a kind, thoughtful and loving person, and even if I haven't earned his love and trust, I deserve his respect. Apparently he doesn't agree, and that's his right. Just as it's my right to say that it's time for me to let go.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I'm not one for passing up an opportunity for personal growth, and this break-up has certainly provided that. I'll post about some of the things I've learned next time.
(to be continued...)
I've been through the first 4 stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, depression - several times. I wrote a while ago that I was going to hurt until I don't hurt anymore. Well, it still hurts, but not as much as it did at first. So even though I'm not completely over it yet, at least I'm heading in the right direction.
In thinking about this break-up, it hurts for many reasons, but the thing that hurts the most is that there was no closure. We just hit a wall... no explanation, no discussion, no nothing. To this day, we have yet to have a conversation about what happened or why. I've let him know that the door is open when he's ready to talk, but I draw the line at begging him to talk to me, even if it is only to explain why he walked away. I have some pretty good ideas, but I may never know for certain.
What I do know is that as much as I believe that our "relationship" I deserved a graceful ending, for now, the key word is "ending." Rather than continuing to focus on what hasn't been said, I need to accept that his silence has spoken volumes. I've run out of psycho-babble excuses for why he hasn't been able to verbalize his feelings (or lack thereof). I think I may buy a t-shirt that says "If something goes without saying... let it!"
The bottom line is that I've worked so hard to grow - emotionally and spiritually. I've done the hard work, and it hasn't been easy. And now that I have, I know that I deserve better than what I've gotten. I'm not perfect, but I'm a kind, thoughtful and loving person, and even if I haven't earned his love and trust, I deserve his respect. Apparently he doesn't agree, and that's his right. Just as it's my right to say that it's time for me to let go.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I'm not one for passing up an opportunity for personal growth, and this break-up has certainly provided that. I'll post about some of the things I've learned next time.
(to be continued...)
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