More on finding closure

I've spent weeks feeling sad, depressed and angry because the man that I'd been involved with disappeared without a trace. I've been upset because in choosing to walk away from the relationship without an explanation (a very cowardly choice, if I may say so), he was not giving me what I needed most - closure. Then at some point over the weekend it suddenly hit me... why on earth am I looking to someone else to give ME closure. At this point, what could he possibly say that would make the way he handled our break-up any more decent or thoughtful? Absolutely nothing. In fact, by not acting in a mature and respectful way, he said much more than words ever could. The emotional closure I needed was there all the time, it just wasn't coming from him. It came from me.

Once I finally stopped to ask myself exactly who I was crying over, I realized that I wasn't crying for the loss of a relationship that was, I was crying over a relationship that I wanted. I wasn't crying over the man I was dating, I was crying over the potential I saw in him. The man I was grieving over does not exist, he would never have ended a relationship this way. A man that could walk away without the decency of a good-bye is not the man for me anyway. So as much as it hurt, he did me a favor... and once I realized that, a sense of closure wasn't far behind.

Despite the fact that the relationship didn't turn out the way I'd hoped it would, I am still thankful for the time we had together. Because he was unlike any man I've ever dated before, and because he was the first man I've dated since coming to terms with my depression/bipolar disorder/whatever it is that I have, I had the opportunity to put into practice a lot of what I've been thinking about and working on for quite some time now. Realizing how I often sabatoged my personal relationships in the past, I worked hard to be consciously aware so that I could make better choices this time. And I did. I'm not perfect, but I did it right this time. That proved to me that I've finally learned the lessons that I needed to learn from my prior failed relationships and that I'm emotionally ready to move on.

I believe that he came into my life to make me stronger emotionally and he has. He's also raised the bar in terms of the kind of man that I'll date moving forward and the firmness with which I'll set boundaries. And I am so thankful for that.

He has helped me learned more than he could have imagined, and perhaps more than he'd planned. To sum it all up:

1. I can only own my own issues. I can't be responsible for anybody elses issues but my own. No matter how much I want to help, just as I need to learn my own lessons, the other person has to learn theirs too. And when it comes to issues, we all have them and there are more than enough to go around. It's critical that when issues arise, I clearly identify those that are mine, deal with them as best I can, and leave the others to their rightful owner(s).


2. Accept things as they are, not as I'd like them to be. I've always had a tendency to fall in love with a person's (or a job's) potential. I dream big dreams and pride myself on being able to look beyond the current state of affairs and see the possibilities. That may be sound advice for young couples right out of school, but when we're talking about grown men in their 40's or 50's, chances are pretty good that they've already become the men that they're going to be. Of course people can and do change at all ages, but they have to really want to, and not everybody does. So, "what you see is what you get" needs to be my new dating mantra and I need to assume that he's already being all he can be.


3. Find clarity through contrast. This exercise from The Law of Attraction is an important part of learning the lesson. What better way to figure out what I really want than identifying what I don't want? Rather than thinking of the time spent in this relationship as time wasted, I think of it as a learning experience on a lot of different levels. In this case, thinking about what worked this time, and what didn't, can only help me become clearer about what I'm ultimately looking for in a relationship. And the clearer I am about my desires, the more likely I am to manifest them in my life.


4. Always take the high road. There have been so many times during the last several weeks when it would have been easy to lash out in anger or pain for the way we broke up. But, I'm proud of the way I conducted myself throughout the course of our relationship and there's no reason to change now. Obviously he can't see, or does not appreciate, all that I had to offer... if he did, he wouldn't have walked away from our relationship or from our friendship the way he did. But I don't believe it will always be that way. At some point, it could be weeks, months or years from now, he will look back on the time we spent together. And when he does, I want him to remember that I handled the end of our relationship with as much class and grace as I handled every other aspect of it. That, to me, will be my greatest "revenge".