During periods of hypomania, I feel a direct line to God. I can't say that I hear His voice audibly, although I wish I could. But just as with love, lust, creativity, passion, and every other emotion, when I'm hypomanic, my spiritual connection is indescribably intense. When I'm hypomanic, I can see the touch of God's loving hand everywhere and in everything I do. Things seem to fall into place, prayers are answered, and life is good.
The recent diagnosis of atypical bipolar II sent me into a spiritual tailspin, questioning the depths and breadth of my faith. I didn't question God's existence, but I did question my relationship with Him (more on this later). I think that some of this soul searching was intellectual in nature - after all, in retrospect I realize that the intensely emotional attachments that I felt toward men in the past was driven more by hypomania than a real and lasting love-connection, so in my mind it stands to reason that it's worth at least asking the question if I've done the same thing in my relationship with God.
Add to that the deep depression that I've been in since last summer and the string of really rotten *luck* that I've had since coming out of my last hypomanic episode and I began to question whether or not I'd fallen out of favor with God. I asked "why me, why this, why now?" I begged and pleaded for relief - financial, career, health, medical insurance - and it just seemed as if God was noticeably silent. I knew that He heard my prayers, which made the fact that they weren't being answered even more painful and difficult to bear.
God has not forgotten me, nor has He failed me.... maybe it's even the other way around. I've spent so much time in the darkness lately that it's been very hard for me to see the light. But just as sometimes takes rainy days for us to appreciate the sunshine, even a little bit of light can illuminate the darkness and help us to see things more clearly.
So, for today, rather than focusing on all of the fears and losses I've experienced since being diagnosed, I need to pause and give thanks for the positive things that God has done in my life since then.
- I had a job interview yesterday and today I was offered, and I gratefully and enthusiastically accepted the job! I start next week, and I'll post about it in an upcoming post, but thankfully, it is NOT an F-job.
- With that job comes 100% paid medical insurance, which had been a major concern for me.
- I'm now enrolled in a clinical research trial which provides very specialized care from a wonderfully supportive team of health care professionals.
- Although it's not a surprise, it's been wonderful to experience the support and comfort from my mother and my aunt.
- I've had the opportunity to meet some fellow BP'ers in person through a local bipolar disorder support group.
- Since losing my major client, I've since gotten 2 more smaller ones and over the past 2 months, I've earned more working 3-4 hours/week than I earned working full-time as a temp.
- Even though I live in a non-pet building, because I casually mentioned that I needed a pet for therapy, I discovered a non-well-known law in my state that allowed me to get a kitten with a prescription from my doctor! I now have the coolest cat - Alex.
- I've found a new church that focuses on people "with issues" - addictions , health concerns, mental health issues, divorce, family and relationship issues.
- Even though I'll be leaving there next week, I've met some great new friends at the temp job I worked at for the past 4 months.
- I found the courage to address a work-related issue that had really been a source of much angst over the past few months. It was difficult, but I did the right thing.
- I found the courage to start this blog and people are actually reading it. It's been very therapeutic for me to write about all this and it's nice to know that at least some of what I'm writing about resonates with others. I'm anxiously looking forward to breaking the 500-view mark any day now! :)
- The new job requires me to dress up. This will be the first job I've had in over 10 years where I had to do that. I can't think of a better way to celebrate the new job than to go out and buy a new business wardrobe! That's what I'll be doing tomorrow.
- While there needs to me more, there's some good information on bipolar disorder, much of which has been very helpful in making sense of all this. I'm thankful for all of the books, blogs, websites and other resources that are available.
- And, last but not least, as painful as it's been, I'm thankful to finally have a diagnosis. Not only can I now receive the treatment that I need, but so much of what never made sense before is now clearer to me.
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