It's been a long, painful winter. The longest and darkest depression of recent memory, following rapidly on the heals of the most hypomanic episode I've experienced yet, has taken it's toll on body, mind and spirit. Things had gotten so bad that even my annual rite of spring - a hypomanic episode that I look forward to with anticipation all winter - was noticeably absent.
I'd fallen so deep into the dark pit of despair that I didn't think I'd ever be able to climb out again, and worse, I didn't think I had the energy or desire to try. I'm not proud of the days and nights that I cried out to God, feeling as Job must have felt, wondering why this? why me? why now? Despite it all, though I wasn't always there for God, He was there for me, even if I was too depressed to feel His presence.
Already, as the fog slowly starts to lift, I'm beginning to understand some of the lessons that this round of depression have taught me. While I recognize the biochemical nature of bipolar disorder, I also believe that when I'm facing either depression or hypomania, my thoughts, emotions, perceptions and decision-making capabilities are all impacted. So, while I believe that the proper dose of the correct medication can help level out the chemical imbalances, no pill is going to ultimately help me live my life to it's fullest potential. As a result, part of managing this disorder has got to include gaining insights and then using them to develop viable strategies for effective self-care.
After a long and largely unsuccessful job search, I was blessed on Friday to receive, and accept, a job offer for a wonderful new opportunity. Under other circumstances, the news would have driven me straight into hypomania. While it hasn't had that effect (yet), I am grateful and I feel something I haven't felt for a very long time - hope.
Hindsight really does have 20/20 vision. In retrospect, I'm beginning to see how the temp job that I've hated for much of the past 4 months has been integral in not only helping me find and get my new job, but in preparing me for some of the tasks at hand. Working home alone for the past 6 years, the temp job provided an opportunity to "practice" interacting with people again, and gave me lots of practice at relationship-building, a skill that's going to be invaluable in the new job.
In addition, losing the majority of my home business, and having to live on a lot less money, has also dragged me kicking and screaming into a new relationship with money, a new perspective that is much healthier and much more realistic. Now that I'm living by a monthly budget, I can't imagine how I ever survived without one. And although my expenses are high relative to my now-reduced income, I'm able to get by on a lot less than I'd imagined.
The lesson I suppose is that no matter how dismal life seems on our dark days, there's always hope. As several of you have reminded me, the dark days of depression are always eventually followed by the sun - maybe that's one of the advantages of having bipolar disorder - the realization that just like the weather, if you don't like your current mood, don't worry, it's bound to change sooner or later.
I think Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. must have had BP'ers in mind when he said that "we must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
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