Saturday, April 14, 2007

Permission granted

I wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't bipolar. I'll go a step further and say that I wonder how my life would be different if I'd known I was bipolar 30 years ago. Perhaps I wouldn't have made many of the poor choices I made. Perhaps I wouldn't have gone from one disasterous relationship to the next, or sabatoged every decent job I had, or moved with the frequency of a gypsy. But then, maybe I would have. I guess I'll never know.

What I do know is that had I known about my bipolar tendencies years ago, I would have been much kinder and gentler with myself. I would have figured out a way to flow with my moods rather than fighting them. I would have tried harder to resist making major life decisions when I was either severely depressed or exquisitely hypomanic. I would have spent less time beating myself up for not being able to think my way out of depression and for not being able to sustain those exuberant, exhilirating, and incredibly productive bursts of creative energy that I know now were not healthy. I would have been more patient with colleagues who simply could not keep up with my boundless energy and lightening -ast thinking when I was hypomanic. I would not have dragged so many decent, but ill-suited men through the emotional roller coaster that is my life.

I cannot go back in time to change the past. Nor can I fast-forward and predict or micro-manage the future. But what I can do is accept the reality of my fate and learn to ride the tide rather than resist it. I give myself permission to be who I am.

Permission granted... to do what I need to do to take care of myself, even if that means being by myself for a while. Hopefully friends and family will understand, but if they don't, that's their issue, not mine.

Permission granted... to acknowledge my depression and to exert the limited energy I have during those times to resting and healing, rather than pretending that everything is okay when clearly it is not.

Permission granted... to accept the fact that my hypomanic episodes are not healthy and are not a state to strive for.

Permission granted... to honestly identify my triggers and to make a conscious decision, on an on-going basis, to minimize their ability to exacerbate my symptoms.

Permission granted... to explore the creative aspects of my being and to celebrate that gift in ways that are wholesome and healthy.

Permission granted... to take whatever meds are necessarily to help stabilize my moods so that I can function more consistently.

Permission granted... to stop trying to be the person that others think I am or want me to be. It's exhausting, and it simply does not work.

Permission granted... to forgive myself... to let go of the past, warts and all, realizing at last that I really did do the best that I could given the circumstances.

Permission granted... to be myself, just as I am.

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