Cry me a river

Faith may be a verb, but it's no picnic. In fact, some days it downright hard. Today is one of those days. Some days, even when we believe in our hearts that we're on the right path, it still hurts like hell to stay there. On days like today I understand why it's so easy to slip back into old, unhealthy patterns and make the same poor choices that we made in the past... because they're easier. They're familiar. Right or wrong, good or bad, they've become part of our comfort zone. And whether we want to face it or not, sometimes it's less scary to face the known, even if we don't necessarily like it, than to step out on faith into unchartered territory.

As I wrote in yesterday's post, I've chosen a path, and until I'm led to do something different, I'm committed to staying the course. Admittedly, though I've been praying for incontrovertible proof that I'm on the right track, I haven't received it yet. The only thing I can say is that as long as I focus on the path I've chosen - the process, not the outcome - I feel a subtle sense of peace. But the minute I start thinking about what others would advise me to do in this situation, or about how weak or stupid they would think I am if they knew, I start to feel anxious and confused.

Today I've come to terms with the reality that the path I've chosen is not going to be easy, and the outcome is completely unknown, but the journey is part of my life lesson. The act of taking responsibility for my decision does not mean that I must ignore the emotional realities that come with it. This situation hurts. I'm confused and I'm sad. And I will be until I'm not anymore. So, I've decided today that I'm going to face my pain, embrace it, let it take it's course and hopefully, over time, it will lessen, or at least become more manageable.

This morning I cried. I don't mean that I shed a tear or two. I mean I cried, like a baby. There I said it! I cried. And afterwards, I felt better. I felt lighter, as if a load had been lifted. And I guess, in a way, it had. Studies have been conducted that seem to affirm the notion that the act of crying can be cathartic. Many people say that they feel better after having a good cry. I know I do. So why is society so hard on those of us who cry to release our pain, sadness and anger. If crying is healing, why is crying considered a weakness and why aren't more people doing it?

For those of us living with bipolar or depression issues, I think this question of to cry or not to cry is an important one. I think it's safe to say that many of us experience intense emotions to a much greater degree than the general population, so I think it's also safe to say that both the need and/or desire to cry is probably more frequent and intense for us as well. Of course, there are times when it's probably not appropriate to start bawling uncontrollably (like at work, or a first date (more on this later), or in the check-out line at Wal-Mart). But if we experience a greater than "normal" need to cry, but don't because we're afraid or ashamed to, where do those tears go?

Biochemist William Frey has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. One amazing discovery of his team's research is that crying may actually help a person to deal with emotional problems. "Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and they feel worse by suppressing their tears. Dr. Frey's research compared tears caused by irritants such as onions with tears caused by emotion and concluded that crying is "an excretory process which removes toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress." Conversely, the researchers also found that "suprressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems and peptic ulcers." To read more about Dr. Frey's research, click here.

In a very interesting article entitled The Healing Power of Tears, Paula Becker writes that

Our tears of sadness or hurt reflect the fears and scars that we spend a lifetime hiding. They are visible evidence of our vulnerability to life. Tears have been equated with weakness because they reveal the soft spots of our soul, and can make us feel unprotected. Deciding whether to stay strong and hold it all together, or let go and show our tears without restraint is not the question...What is most important is that we find a way to honor the truth of our feelings and listen to the call of our heart. We are learning through science what we may have known in our bones for centuries. Tears are a way to mend the pain and suffering of life. Tears of joy and sorrow, tears of awe and pride can make life richer, giving us a natural expression of the pool of emotions that flows through our being.

I've decided to dedicate this weekend to honoring the "call of my heart." I'm gonna cry until I can't cry any more. And then I'm going to watch one of the great tear-jerker movies, My Life, starring Michael Keeton and Nicole Kidman, and I'm gonna cry some more. I made the mistake of choosing this movie as a first date out with a guy whose name I can't recall. I cried so uncontrollably through the entire movie that I thought we were going to be thrown out of the theater. Poor guy, I can only imagine what he thought of me, but I never found out because I was so embarrassed by my crying that I never saw him again.

I'm off now to get ice cream and tissues before hunkering down with my favorite "blankie" for my marathon weepfest. Funny thing is that I'm feeling a little better already!