I can't recall a single time that I was feeling fine and all of a sudden, with no warning, I hit a wall and was suddenly depressed. Instead, something happens - usually something big, something that elicits a huge emotional response. After the initial shock wears off, I feel as if the emotional life has been sucked out of me. For a brief period, there is nothingness. Then I start to think about what happened, replay it over and over in my mind, ruminate on it. This is the time when the harmful emotions that I equate with depression tend to creep in. I feel alternating waves of anger, sadness, bitterness, grief, loss, isolation, sadness, pessimism, hopelessness, the list goes on. The more I ruminate, the worse I feel.
The odd thing is that until recently, I thought that this was all a natural part of depression, and that I had no control over how I'd feel or for how long, which as you can imagine, only leads to more feelings of hopelessness and despair. But now I've begun to seriously question the assumption that there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the downward spiral that causes me so much pain.
The last few times I've felt a depressive episode looming, I've noticed the point at which I start to feel the life being sucked out. I know this is a woefully inept way of explaining it, but hopefully it makes sense. Intellectually I decided that if I could just fill that empty space with positive, productive feelings, there wouldn't be as much room for the negative feelings to grab hold and multiply like a virus.
While I know this may sound painstakingly simplistic, it's not. When I'm depressed, even a little bit, my thinking becomes cloudy and on some days I probably couldn't think my way out of a paper bag. Knowing that, I recognize that choosing to replace my negative feelings with more positive ones would require a lot more than "thinking my way out of being depressed," which unfortunately, all too many people who've never been depressed seem to suggest I do. So, how did I do it? I'm so glad you asked.
Years ago, when I managed a small research unit in a Fortune 100 company, I decided that my team needed to institute something we called "Joy Breaks". On a frequent basis, particularly when we were stressed, overworked and up against a major deadline, we'd take a break - sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes a bit longer, just to do something fun to take our mind off of work for a while. Inevitably, we came back to work energized, with a renewed focus on the tasks at hand. But we learned early on that the key to making this work, particularly when the Joy Breaks were short, was to know ahead of time what kinds of things actually worked. There was nothing worse than spending the entire break time trying to figure out what you were going to do on your break!
Our individual and collective lists grew over time, and obviously there was variation among the group, but even taking the time to create our lists of Joy Breaks was a Joy Break in itself. Whether it was munching on microwave popcorn, going out for a quick ice cream cone, walking around the block on a sunny day, knitting for a few minutes or sharing funny stories about our weekend adventures, it was amazing what the Joy Breaks did for us, both individually and as a team.
So, I decided to apply the same approach to dealing with my depression. I recognized that the ony thing that would get rid of a negative feeling was to replace it with a positive one. I also realized that was nearly impossible to do if the negative feelings were allowed to take hold. So just as with Joy Breaks, I started thinking of things that make me happy, or at least calm and relaxed, when I wasn't depressed, so that when I start to feel bad, even if I can't THINK myself into feeling better, I can DO something that will make me FEEL better.
I'm sure such a list would vary wildly from one person to the next, and it should. My list is still growing, but here are some of the things that work for me:
The odd thing is that until recently, I thought that this was all a natural part of depression, and that I had no control over how I'd feel or for how long, which as you can imagine, only leads to more feelings of hopelessness and despair. But now I've begun to seriously question the assumption that there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the downward spiral that causes me so much pain.
The last few times I've felt a depressive episode looming, I've noticed the point at which I start to feel the life being sucked out. I know this is a woefully inept way of explaining it, but hopefully it makes sense. Intellectually I decided that if I could just fill that empty space with positive, productive feelings, there wouldn't be as much room for the negative feelings to grab hold and multiply like a virus.
While I know this may sound painstakingly simplistic, it's not. When I'm depressed, even a little bit, my thinking becomes cloudy and on some days I probably couldn't think my way out of a paper bag. Knowing that, I recognize that choosing to replace my negative feelings with more positive ones would require a lot more than "thinking my way out of being depressed," which unfortunately, all too many people who've never been depressed seem to suggest I do. So, how did I do it? I'm so glad you asked.
Years ago, when I managed a small research unit in a Fortune 100 company, I decided that my team needed to institute something we called "Joy Breaks". On a frequent basis, particularly when we were stressed, overworked and up against a major deadline, we'd take a break - sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes a bit longer, just to do something fun to take our mind off of work for a while. Inevitably, we came back to work energized, with a renewed focus on the tasks at hand. But we learned early on that the key to making this work, particularly when the Joy Breaks were short, was to know ahead of time what kinds of things actually worked. There was nothing worse than spending the entire break time trying to figure out what you were going to do on your break!
Our individual and collective lists grew over time, and obviously there was variation among the group, but even taking the time to create our lists of Joy Breaks was a Joy Break in itself. Whether it was munching on microwave popcorn, going out for a quick ice cream cone, walking around the block on a sunny day, knitting for a few minutes or sharing funny stories about our weekend adventures, it was amazing what the Joy Breaks did for us, both individually and as a team.
So, I decided to apply the same approach to dealing with my depression. I recognized that the ony thing that would get rid of a negative feeling was to replace it with a positive one. I also realized that was nearly impossible to do if the negative feelings were allowed to take hold. So just as with Joy Breaks, I started thinking of things that make me happy, or at least calm and relaxed, when I wasn't depressed, so that when I start to feel bad, even if I can't THINK myself into feeling better, I can DO something that will make me FEEL better.
I'm sure such a list would vary wildly from one person to the next, and it should. My list is still growing, but here are some of the things that work for me:
- listening to music that I love (I'm working on burning some mood-busting CDs of my favorite songs)
- playing the piano (my Mom says that when I was a child, she could always tell when I was stressed, because I'd continue to play the piano long after my hour-a-day practice session was over) - I even bought new sheet music this week and had my piano tuned!
- looking at photographs (some of my own as well as others) - there are some amazing digital photo galleries and blogs online
- taking pictures with my digital camera
- aromatherapy (candles, diffusers, essential oils, bubble bath/shower gels)
- watching great movies, sometimes a comedy works and believe it or not, sometimes a really good tear-jerker does the trick
- going to a favorite place (the beach, the river, the park, an art gallery)
- long, hot bubble baths by candlelight with a glass of wine (or two)
- blogging (the act of writing my way through my feelings is incredibly therapeutic for me)
In reviewing my list, I had to smile at an obvious irony. While I could blame my depressive bipolar tendencies for creating the circumstance that makes this list necessary, I can also celebrate my creative bipolar tendencies that make this list work for me.
It's really hard for me to stay depressed when I'm doing the things on my list. When one doesn't work, I try another, and another, until I find those that work at that particular time. And, unlike most of the meds I've tried, when I do the things on my list, there are no distasteful or worrisome side effects! (No, I am NOT suggesting that you stop taking your meds if you're taking any!)
So, why not create a list that works for you? Then, the next time you start to hear that loud sucking sound, give your list a try. It certainly can't hurt you, and it just might even help! If so, I'd love to hear about it.
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