Sunday, September 9, 2007

God knows

I've been contemplating writing about spirituality and bipolar disorder for months now, but for a number of reasons, I haven't done it yet. That said, I did want to reply to Laurie who responded to a recent post. Click here to read my post and her response in their entirety.

My first thought was to respond to Laurie off-line, but because her question is one that I struggle with, and that I'd imagine many believers struggle with too, I decided to reply publically. In her comment, Laurie says...

"I just feel as if, since my diagnosis, and a few other life-changing events around the same time– all triggers, apparently– I have really struggles with my faith in God. I still go to church, and I still believe He exists, and I still think I’m saved….I am just really having a hard time with some of my actions and reactions that occurred while in the midst of manic or depressive episodes, and the behavior I ought to be exhibiting as a believer. You know what i mean? And the recurring failures to live as such, because of my behavior during those episodes."

Dear Laurie,

First, thank you for your honest and obviously heart-felt comments. I'm not sure that I'm the right person to try to answer this. I would suggest that you discuss this with a pastor or some other spiritual mentor whose advice you trust. But, as one Christian to another, I can share with you my humble thoughts on this.

First, I do understand exactly what you're saying and I struggle with these issues too. I'd imagine that most (if not all) Christians who struggle with serious health issues share your concerns. To be honest, I'd be a little worried if they didn't. I've known people of what I consider to be "great faith"who have questions and doubts about their relationship with God in times of great challenge. I'm reminded of Job and countless others in the Bible who wondered why God allowed bad things to happen. Even Jesus cried out in anguish as he was dying on the cross. Asking God "why?" or "why me?" is not sacriligious. It's human.

I'd argue that as long as we're still having conversations with God, even if they're not all about sweetness and light, that's evidence that we have an intimate relationship with Him. Remember, no problem or concern is too big or too small for Him. He wants us to bring Him our concerns. He may not give us the answers we want, when we want them, but that's not really the point. It's not about receiving all the answers, it's about having faith that there ARE answers, and that God is in control, even when we can't understand what He's doing in our lives or why.

As for guilt about actions and reactions that you're not proud of during times of illness, I understand what you're saying about that too and have spent years feeling the same way. We've all done things that we're not proud of, whether we're bipolar or not. I think I've finally come to understand a few important things about this: (1) God knows better than anyone about the emotional issues that we're dealing with. He understands the symptoms, how they manifest in each of us, and most importantly, He knows our hearts; (2) there's nothing that we've done that God can't or won't forgive us for if we sincerely ask him; (3) none of us are perfect, and God doesn't expect us to be - I believe that my mother echoed God's sentiments when I was growing up. She used to say that all she ever wanted was for me to do my very best... nothing more and nothing less. That's all that God wants from us too. Once we ask Him, God has forgiven us. Now it's up to us to forgive ourselves. And that's not always easy. I have a 2-part post on forgiveness ((part 1) (part 2)) that you may want to read.

And when all else fails, think about all of the inappropriate behaviors that we see all around us every day. I can guarantee you that there are people who're doing everything "wrong" that you think you've done, and probably much much worse, and they DOEN'T have bipolar disorder. I think I've seen a t-shirt somewhere that says something like "At least I'm bipolar. What's your excuse?" :)

I don't know if my reply has answered your question or not. But hopefully it's let you know that you are not alone. And if you don't believe me, visit Marja's blog. She lives with bipolar disorder too, and she writes beautifully, and often, about spiritual issues. In fact, she's working on a model for faith-based mental health support groups in churches. Great stuff!

Thanks for visiting and please come back!

Blessings,
Sydney

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