I heard or read somewhere a long time ago that depression is anger turned inside. If that's true, then I've been a pretty angry woman for much of my life. I don't think I ever really learned how to express my anger in healthy ways, so it usually festered inside until it either went away or I exploded.
I don't know what made today different, but it was. I was treated rudely - AGAIN - by a co-worker who apparently doesn't consider me one of her favorite people. I can't blame my reaction on being bipolar because I felt perfectly fine before the run-in and after my cool-down time-out. I can't blame it on PMS because thank God I've had a hysterectomy. Maybe it was today's peculiar alignment of the sun, moon and stars, I don't know. All I know is that instead of directing my anger inside, I directed it where it needed to be.
I'm not a wrestling fan, but it was reminiscent of a WWE Smackdown, if I may say so myself. I was professional, measured and focused, but there was no doubt that I was righteously indignant. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't utter a single foul word, and I even resisted the powerful urge to jump over the woman's desk and give her an old-fashioned beat-down!
By the drumbeat of my heart as I made my dramatic exit from her building, I'd say that I got my aerobic exercise for the week and a quick glance in the mirror afterwards confirmed a pleasant rosy glow on my cheeks. I thought I'd be steaming over this all day, but I'm not. It's done. I've said what I needed to say. I made the point abundantly clear that I WILL NOT tolerate this kind of disrespect from her one moment longer and from this point forward, when she pushes me, I will push back. I can let it go now.
I can't say that I won't have another run-in with this person because I'm pretty sure I will. I don't necessarily expect her to change just because of this experience. But I can tell you that I've certainly changed because of it. Not only was standing up for myself not nearly as "awful" or as difficult as I thought it would be, but it actually felt great! My only question is why did it take me so long to realize that it's OK - not only OK, but healthy - to express my feelings, even the unpleasant ones? The key, of course, is choosing the battles and making sure that the defense is appropriate to the offense, and in this case it was.
So, after all these years of quietly seething in silence, I'm finally growing a spine.
I don't know what made today different, but it was. I was treated rudely - AGAIN - by a co-worker who apparently doesn't consider me one of her favorite people. I can't blame my reaction on being bipolar because I felt perfectly fine before the run-in and after my cool-down time-out. I can't blame it on PMS because thank God I've had a hysterectomy. Maybe it was today's peculiar alignment of the sun, moon and stars, I don't know. All I know is that instead of directing my anger inside, I directed it where it needed to be.
I'm not a wrestling fan, but it was reminiscent of a WWE Smackdown, if I may say so myself. I was professional, measured and focused, but there was no doubt that I was righteously indignant. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't utter a single foul word, and I even resisted the powerful urge to jump over the woman's desk and give her an old-fashioned beat-down!
By the drumbeat of my heart as I made my dramatic exit from her building, I'd say that I got my aerobic exercise for the week and a quick glance in the mirror afterwards confirmed a pleasant rosy glow on my cheeks. I thought I'd be steaming over this all day, but I'm not. It's done. I've said what I needed to say. I made the point abundantly clear that I WILL NOT tolerate this kind of disrespect from her one moment longer and from this point forward, when she pushes me, I will push back. I can let it go now.
I can't say that I won't have another run-in with this person because I'm pretty sure I will. I don't necessarily expect her to change just because of this experience. But I can tell you that I've certainly changed because of it. Not only was standing up for myself not nearly as "awful" or as difficult as I thought it would be, but it actually felt great! My only question is why did it take me so long to realize that it's OK - not only OK, but healthy - to express my feelings, even the unpleasant ones? The key, of course, is choosing the battles and making sure that the defense is appropriate to the offense, and in this case it was.
So, after all these years of quietly seething in silence, I'm finally growing a spine.
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