Saturday, September 8, 2007

A real-time exercise in forgiveness

I love books. I have bookshelves full of them, many of which I've never read. Whenever a book catches my eye, I buy it. But rarely do I read it right away. For some reason that I can only describe as "divine synchronicity", I am led to read certain books at the exact time in my life when I need to read it most.

That happened again this week as I prayed for understanding, guidance and peace of mind over the incident I wrote about in my last post. I was led to read a book that I've had for well over 10 years, but had never even opened, The Color Complex by Kathy Russell, Midge Wilson and Ronald Hall. In it, I recognized the situation I struggled with earlier this week as a classic example of "intraracial discrimination". I'd never heard the term before, but it definitely fits.

The book discusses in great detail the history of race relations in America, but not from the traditional perspective of white vs. black. Instead, it focuses on black vs. black perspectives on the long-term psychological, cultural and political consequences of generations of sexual relations (some consensual, but many quite violent) between whites and blacks (and Native American Indians) that have resulted in a plethora of skin tones, facial features and hair textures within the African-American community.

I was looking for validation of the emotional pain and isolation that I have suffered as a light-skinned black woman at the hands of my darker brothers and sisters. And I found it. But I also found painstakingly vivid stories about life on the other side.

While I'm not yet emotionally mature enough to completely overlook what was said to me a few days ago, I am intellectually mature enough to admit that on some level, I have a much better understanding of the deep-rooted psychological pain behind it, and much more.

As much as I was hurt by the exchange, my conscious decision to try to understand the deeper motivations and implications have caused me to realize that I'm not the only one who is hurting. I'm only beginning to comprehend the intensity of the pain this person must live with on a daily basis that could have caused this to happen in the first place. Perhaps more importantly, through prayer, research and a lot of careful consideration of the events and conversations leading up to this one, I realize that my skin color was not the real issue anyway. I'm sure it's lurking in there somewhere, but the real issues go much deeper. I read somewhere ages ago that all emotions can be boiled down to two: love or fear. In this case, it's both.

After my initial feelings of shock and pain subsided a bit, I decided that to be angry about this would be counter-productive and unhealthy for me. If I let it, this would surely trigger another depressive episode, something I'm working hard to avoid. So, I decided that I have to do something to transform this burst of negative energy into something positive. Then I remembered my recent posts on the power of perspective. I was able to recognize that this is not my issue, although it involves me directly. Finally being able to step out of the way and refuse to take personal responsibility for something that is not mine, gave me the freedom to choose how, or if, I wanted to focus the energy that is still undeniably entertwined in the situation.

I decided that instead of being angry with this person, I needed to pray for him. I know that may sound hokie to some, but it's been unbelievably helpful. I still feel an almost overwhelming sense of sadness (empathy?), but it's not directed internally. I feel sad for him, not pity, but a sincere and heartfelt sadness for his pain, which in turn only motivates me to pray for him even more.

Interestingly, I'm not praying for God to restore our relationship. If that's part of His plan, it will happen. Only time will tell. But for now, I pray for God's peace for this person. I pray that God will relieve him of the painful memories that haunt him. And I pray that God will soften his heart so that he can someday be able to truly love someone and accept their love as well.

I guess you could say that I'm practicing forgiveness in real-time for a change. I must admit that it's much easier when the pain is fresh. This way I don't have week, months or years of anger and resentment to cut through in order to deal with the real issues. I can honestly say that the process has been cathartic and I really do feel better. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

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