I'm not mad at 'em

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to share good news. I have a friend who insists on setting me up each time we get together. I made the mistake once of telling her about how painfully my last relationship ended and in doing so, I opened a door that I haven't been able to close. She has a very low opinion of men, and collects anecdotes about men behaving badly like stamp collectors collect stamps.

Every time we talk, she asks how things are going with my new guy. Despite the fact that I always joyfully say that things are great (because they are), she warns me to "be careful", "watch my back", "remember that men only want one thing", "don't believe anything they say because they all lie," blah... blah...blah. I know she means well, she doesn't want me to be hurt again - again. But asking me about my relationship only to then tear it down would be hurtful too if I were inclined to allow her comments to steal my joy.

Yes, I've been hurt. A lot. But over time I've come to understand that no situation, and no relationship, is without purpose. People are brought into our lives to teach us things, and for us to teach them things, and because some of us learn some things slower than others, lessons sometimes have to be repeated over and over until we figure it out.

There is an exercise called "clarity through contrast" that I read about in a book on the Law of Attraction. It involves reflecting on past relationships, specifically the things that we do not want, in order to become clearer on what we do want. Once I was able to release the anger and the embarrassment of my failed relationships, I was able to see the value in them. Just as cold, dreary days make me appreciate the warmth of the sun, all those relationships with Mr. Wrong have helped me be clear about Mr. Right.

So, if I were to write an open letter to my exes, the theme would be one of gratitude. I'd simply say "thank you" to each of them.

Thank you for teaching me about the power of forgiveness when I was able to forgive my best friend in college for sleeping with you.

Thank you for realizing that you "weren't man enough" to stay and watch me die when I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness. That was 15 years ago. I was misdiagnosed, but you clearly weren't ready for a real relationship.

Thank you for not adopting my daughter, even though I wanted you to at the time. She's better off without a father at all, than a father in name only.

Thank you for making me realize that there isn't enough love, compassion or patience to heal a heart that isn't ready or willing to be healed. The more I tried to heal your heart, the more I broke my own.

Thank you for being so impossible to please. The more I tried to change myself to be the person I thought you wanted me to be, the less I liked the person I'd become. Apparently you didn't like her either, so what was the point?

Thank you for breaking up with me so ruthlessly. It was a clean break so there were no jagged edges to get in the way of my healing. Had you not ended things so completely, I might not have been over you when someone new came into my life.

Where did we get the notion that our hearts were never to be broken? Why are we so afraid of being hurt that we're afraid to open our hearts and souls to another? If all of the painful lessons of the past are practice to prepare me for the blessings that God has in store for me, then they were worth it.

So, yes, I've been hurt by men before. Many times, but you know what? I'm not mad at 'em.