The gift of closure (part 2)

What started out as a big box of black wool is now a beautiful black afghan that I'm giving to my ex this week. It's taken the better part of two months to knit, but it was worth every minute that I spent on it.

Why would I spend that kind of money and time on a man who dumped me? I'm so glad you asked! :)

Knitting this afghan was not about him, it was about me. For me, there is something so cathartic, so healing, about knitting. The time I spend knitting is meditative, it's contemplative, it's prayerful, it's relaxing, and it's creative. And in the end, much less expensive and much more productive than time spent talking to a therapist.

When I started this project, it was painfully slow-going. Perhaps the flood of tears clouded my vision and slowed me down. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get through this. During that time I cried for him, I cried for what I thought I was losing, I cried for what I thought could have been. I prayed for him without ceasing.

By the time I reached the middle, I was mad as hell and the yarn was almost flying through my fingers. At first, I found myself asking questions like: How could he do this to me? Who does he think he is? He's really going to regret this some day. But somewhere in there things changed. My self-talk became statments like: I deserve better than this. This is HIS issue not mine. There isn't a single thing I can think of that I would have done differently - I don't have anything to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. Breaking up with me the way he did (and that was the real issue all along) is not about HIS loss, it's about MY GAIN.

That's when the true lessons started to take shape. I did do it right this time. I did learn from all those failed relationships of the past and entered this one with hope and optimism, but also with knowledge about myself, my co-dependent tendencies and my "relationship issues". In this relationship, probably for the first time, I was the woman I wanted to be, and damn it, she's pretty cool. So while I detest the way he handled our break-up, I can't help but be grateful for the lessons this experience gave me. I am more self-confident now than ever before. I have an even clearer idea of what I want (and don't want) in a relationship, and I know that I can survive without one, so any future relationship(s) will be based on wants, not needs. How can I stay mad at someone who, albeit unknowingly, helped me discover these truths about myself?

By the time I got near the end of the afghan, I was bored and ready to move on. I couldn't knit fast enough. All I wanted was to be done with it and move on with my life. Needless to say, I'm no longer heartbroken. I'm no longer angry. I just am. And I'm beginning to like that person more and more.

The last part of this process was communicating at least some of this to my ex. So, I drafted a note to enclose with the afghan. I shared it with my friend, Susan, who did something that only the best kind of friends could do. After reading my draft, she commented that it wasn't quite clear to her what my true intentions were for knitting the afghan. She noted that if it was unclear to her why I did this and what I wanted, it probably would be to him as well. I think she also may have even wondered if I'd been totally honest with myself about the final message that I wanted to leave with him (my words, not hers). She proceeded to ask me series of very challenging questions - about why I knit the afghan, what I hoped to gain by giving it to him, how I wanted him to respond, and perhaps most importantly, deep down in my heart of hearts, did I want him back.

As much as we like to talk on the phone (I live on the east coast and she lives on the west coast), we both LOVE to write. Her questions were in an e-mail, and I responded the same way. I wrote and wrote and wrote, expressing in much more detail than my ex will ever hear, the answers to all of her questions. I'm confident that I was able to convince her that my motives are pure, that I truly do not expect or want anything from him, and that I absolutely DO NOT want to try to reconcile our relationship. But more important than convincing her, writing it out in a letter to her, knowing that she would read it, feel it, get it, was also an important part of the process. In clarifying my thoughts and feelings to her, I was finally able to express them in the way that I ultimately needed to. It doesn't matter to me that he will never hear my words, what matters is that I expressed them, I put them "out there", and now I'm done.

So, I now have a new and improved note to enclose with the afghan. I found the courage to tell him that I expected a better ending from him, and that I know I deserved one. Of course, there was more, but I remembered the lessons I learned from my mom, my aunt and my grandmother, and I expressed my thoughts in a mature and polite way. Hopefully, the letter and the afghan will show him that even though he changed, I didn't. I left this relationship with the same class and grace that I exhibited while I was in it.

Now, if I had been raised differently, my note would have been much shorter. It would have simply said...

"... And as for you, you can kiss my black... afghan!"

Just kidding!