I had an epiphany today. I finally realized why I've been feeling so out of sorts for the last few weeks and that realization hurts more than not knowing did. I'm feeling a sense of utter loneliness and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Yes, I have friends, but most of my closest friends live too far away to be able to visit. Yes, I have hobbies and interests (both old and new) that occupy a lot of my time. Yes, I'm gainfully employed and interact with colleagues and clients every day. Yes, thankfully, my mother is alive and well and lives nearby so we talk almost every day. Yes, I enjoy solititude, at times, and I enjoy my own company (although I haven't always). How, then, could I possibly feel lonely?
Today it occurred to me that this is the first time in over 18 years that I've lived alone. It is also the first time in a very long time that I actually have the energy and the desire to engage in a meaningful social life. I don't want sex (although I certainly wouldn't complain if the circumstances were right). Romance would be nice, but that's not critical either. I don't need financial or emotional support the way I once did.
What I want is companionship, a sense of connection and emotional intimacy. I want to go to a great movie and then talk about it for hours over dinner. I want to cook a great meal, knowing that someone is there to share it with me - sharing the cooking over a bottle of wine would be even better. I want to listen to jazz, and maybe even dance, at a dimly lit jazz club. I want to play Scrabble late into the night, with someone who can actually beat me some of the time. I want to share my thoughts, my dreams and my fears with someone who'll listen with open ears and an open heart. I want to give of myself to someone who'll appreciate my efforts and not take me for granted. I want to have plans to look forward to next weekend or next month. I want to make memories.
Can't I go to a movie, cook a good meal, listen to great music, e-mail my friends, or play Scrabble on my computer by myself? Of course I can. I can also knit, read, take pictures, blog, surf the net and work on one of the many book projects that I have planned. And I do. Some days I'm perfectly fine with that, particularly when I was too depressed and too tired to entertain the thought of having someone else around. But thankfully, I'm not in that place anymore. I'm healthy, independent, self-sufficient and self-confident. But I'm also lonely as hell. It's as if I'm all dressed up, with nowhere to go. I think Vincent van Gogh summed it up when he said that "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it."
7 comments:
I think many many people feel this same way, but never want to admit ti. I feel this way off and on even when I have a close companion. I've experienced these types of feelings since a young child, so I don't think it's unusual in any way. We all need that connection. Thanks for sharing, Denise
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Oh my gosh! You just described how I often feel, but so much more eloquently than I ever could. I tried to for years to make my ex understand how I was feeling. Although it would not of changed the outcome of our marriage, for the sake of our friendship I would have liked him to fully understand how I felt. Brava!
That was a eloquently written piece. I think a lot of people feel that way, but i realized some people are meant to be alone. I am doctor myself but i still come home to an empty house and its sad but it is the way it is.
That was a eloquently written piece. I think a lot of people feel that way, but i realized some people are meant to be alone. I am doctor myself but i still come home to an empty house and its sad but it is the way it is.
Well said; I've felt this way for the better part of my life but didn't really understand why. I think you described what a lot of people are feeling in their lives these days. I don't believe that anyone is meant to be alone- I've always lived knowing that there is that one special person out there waiting for me.
Oh my... I feel the same way. No words, no more. That's all.
Who ever you are, you just spoke directly to my soul. I feel so lonely but am surrounded by many caring people. I pray the day will come when I can meet my God given soul mate who will love and cherish me the way I already love and cherish them. Why is it so difficult to find true love now days? I'm only fifteen but I see the death and distruction of humanity's emotions,dreams and love its just not there anymore. You have to be lucky just to find a true friend much less someone who actually wants a meaningful relationship. How do you get rid of the pain? What do you do when life already feels so hopeless?
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