Who benefits from "Friends With Benefits?"

The first time I overhead some teenage girls talking about having "friends with benefits", I remember thing to myself "Oh, how sweet. I wish I'd had one of those when I was in high school." As a point of reference, I went to an all-girls Catholic High School - in the 1970's. I remember with stunning clarity the painful experience of never having a boyfriend when it was time to go to the prom. Going to an all-girls school and not having a boyfriend meant that if you wanted to go to the prom, you had to ask a guy to take you. Or, you had to rely on the sympathy of friends to set you up on a blind date with one of their date's friends. Trust me, both options were awful! So, the prospect of having a good buddy of the opposite sex who could go with you to the prom, or to the movies, or even to go out for pizza sounded wonderful.

Imagine my surprise when I asked my own teenage daughter if she had a "Friend With Benefits." After she finished laughing, she said "Mom, you OBVIOUSLY don't know what that is." Then she told me. Oh boy was I off base on that one! Suddenly I was thrilled that she didn't have an FWB.

If you're one of the few people on the planet who still doesn't know what FWBs are, they're friends of the opposite sex who engage in casual sex, presumably getting the benefits of carnal knowledge without the messy complications of emotional intimacy or commitment.

The back story in last night's episode of Private Practice was about Friends with Benefits - two sets of them. Since I love Cooper, I had to stop myself from screaming "NOOOOOOO, DON'T DO IT!!!" when Violet proposed an FWB relationship with him. She's overstressed and horny. He's in love - with her. She can't see it (yet), and because she's still in love with her ex who's married another woman, Cooper hasn't found the courage to tell her how he really feels.

After his initial shock at her invitation wore off, Cooper agreed to have sex with her. Not because he was horny, although I imagine he was. I think he agreed because he loves her so much that he was willing to accept her any way that he could have her. However, when the appointed time came to do the dirty deed, Cooper couldn't. Even as the woman he loves with all his heart stood there naked in front of him urging him to take off his clothes so they could get busy, his love and his RESPECT for her wouldn't allow him to go through with it. Now THAT is a good man.

So, after a quick google search, I'm persuaded that there truly are significant numbers of adults who engage in FWB relationships on a regular basis. But who, I ask you, benefits from these hook-ups? Setting aside for the moment the risks of the obvious inconveniences of unwanted pregnancies and STDs, what about those great underrated things called feelings and commitment?

My guess is that few people are truly able to pull off FWBs without running the risk of one partner becoming more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other, or otherwise ruining what was previously a great friendship. But then add to the mix a relationship in which one or both of the people involved lives with either bipolar disorder or depression. You've just created a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

Under the best of circumstances, relationships can be complicated, confusing and full of emotional risks for both parties. In some ways, the prospect of having an FWB relationship may seem like the ideal way to get certain physical needs met without taking the emotional risks inherent in having a "real" relationship where feelings, trust, honest and intimacy are required. But on the other hand, to believe that there are no rules in an FWB relationship seems to me to be dangerously niave.

There are always rules... in this case the rules are that neither party can care too much about the other, that both parties have to accept that they're only eligible to receive those "benefits" until the other person finds someone to have a real relationship with, and of course that no matter what does or doesn't happen, both parties are supposed to be able to remain "friends" at the end of the day. Good luck.

I'm sure there are people that can and do play this game, and I wish them well. But I can't. And I'm glad that at least last night, art imitated life, instead of glamourizing behavior that can be very emotionally unhealthy. Call me a prude, but that's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.